14 Jun 14Apple reveals new product quadrant

GoodBetterBestBob

21 Mar 13Bob Mansfield’s review

Startling news has been passed to CARS that sheds a new light on Senior Vice President of Technologies Bob Mansfield‘s status with the company. It had previously been announced that Mansfield would be retiring but after Scott Forstall’s ouster, Mansfield was given a new position. This transcript of Mansfield’s recent annual review with CEO Tim Cook reveals, however, that Manfield’s change of heart may have had nothing to do with Forstall.

COOK: Hey, Bob! Come on in!

MANSFIELD: Hello, Tim.

COOK: Wow, hard to believe it’s that time of year again, right?

MANSFIELD: You mean spring?

COOK: Well, yeah, I guess so.

MANSFIELD: As if spring has some kind of special significance for me?

COOK: Uh…

MANSFIELD: Like, oh, Bob’s been hibernating all winter and we hold his review every spring because that’s when he wakes up?

COOK: No, that’s not what I…

[Apple Senior Vice President of Human Resources Joel Podolny enters.]

PODOLNY: Sorry I’m late.

COOK: Why… why are you here, Joel?

PODOLNY: Ah. Yes. Well, Tim… Bob here has asked me to be present for this.

COOK: Oh, come on…

PODOLNY: No, no. This is his right as an employee and Bob has some… concerns… about comments that you’ve made in previous reviews that, uh, give the appearance that his racial status might be affecting your ability to provide an impartial assessment of his performance.

COOK: His racial status? You mean the fact that he’s a bear?

MANSFIELD: Oh, heeeere we go…

PODOLNY: Tim, please! You are not allowed to mention Bob’s racial status, whatever that may be! You’re also not allowed to make reference to anything that might be seen as judgemental of his culture.

COOK: Oh, so I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he messily devoured a live salmon during a staff meeting?

PODOLNY: Tim!

COOK: I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he bathes in the fountain outside?

PODOLNY: No. [reads] “Under the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Act for Ursine-Americans, managers are not allowed to mention anything that might be construed as a reference to an employee’s status as an ursine-American.”

COOK: I’m still not sure that’s a real piece of legislation. But isn’t just mentioning the name of that Act a reference to Bob’s status as…

PODOLNY: Possible status!

COOK: [sigh] …possible status as an ursine-American?

PODOLNY: Please, Tim, why don’t we just start going through the review? I think that’s what we all came here for, isn’t it?

COOK: Well, we can do that, I guess, but…

[Mansfield slowly removes a jar of honey from inside his jacket while staring at Cook.]

COOK: But… uh, I’m not sure how far we’re going to get.

[Mansfield slowly opens jar, still staring intently at Cook as if challenging him to say something about what he’s doing]

COOK: Um… there’s just a few things in here I’m not sure how to talk about without it seeming… uh…

MANSFIELD: What? Bearist?

[Mansfield sticks his entire hand into the jar and spoons a gigantic wad of honey into his mouth, dripping it everywhere, defiantly staring at Cook.]

COOK: Uh… yeaaah. The thing is, though, many of them are listed under “strengths”! Like literally, your strength.

PODOLNY: Tim…

COOK: People like Bob! They like his… culture. They like it when he scratches his back against a door jam or rolls around on the grass when it’s sunny! He keeps the coyotes away!

MANSFIELD: Oh, that’s nice. And it’s nice how Asians are so good at math, isn’t it, Tim?!

COOK: That’s not what I… ugh. OK, look…

PODOLNY: Tim, you’re just digging yourself in deeper.

MANSFIELD: It’s just lucky for you that everyone thinks it was because of Forstall that I was leaving. Because if word got out about your prejudice in the current climate…

PODOLNY: I would like to point out that Bob is not threatening to tell anyone that.

MANSFIELD: I came back because I wanted to give you a second chance, Tim. But you haven’t changed. You’re still making this an issue in spite of yourself! I’ve had plenty of offers, Tim! And I’ll tell you, the thought of working at BlackBerry always seemed like a joke before, but Canadians know how to treat someone like me!

[Mansfield storms out]

COOK: So, he’s allowed to say Canadians know how to treat a bear but I’m not allowed… oh, forget it.

PODOLNY: [shaking his head] Tim, Tim… This is a lawsuit in the making.

COOK: Well, see if he’ll settle for a few flats of raspberries.

PODOLNY: Jesus, Tim. That is not cool.

COOK: [calls to his assistant] Hey, Trevor? Can we get someone to clean up this honey? And get me a scotch or something.

15 Sep 12Johnny Appleseed Leaves Apple

In a shocking announcement, long-time Apple employee Johnny Appleseed has left the company to join a startup in the social networking industry.

Apple PR officials curtly confirmed the move made by the iconic employee who has been used as the representative product user in Apple demos for years.

“Mr. Appleseed no longer works at Apple,” the company said in a brief statement.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that Appleseed has taken a position as a “Marketing and Brand Ninja” at Pltz.com (pronounced “Plotz dot com”).

Interviewed at his new place of employment, Appleseed said he felt the time was right for a change.

“I don’t know if you’re heard, but Tim Cook’s no Steve Jobs,” Appleseed said. “I mean, not that I interacted with Steve. Or Tim. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Apple’s done innovating. ‘iPhone 5’? Puh-leez. Also, I just felt like trying something different. Something, uh, without health care, apparently. I didn’t actually know that before I accepted the position.”

Asked if there was any bad blood between him and Apple, Appleseed was frank.

“I felt like I was just a joke to them! ‘Oh! Your name is Appleseed! We should use you in all of our demos, hahahaha!’ Jesus. Screw you guys.”

Appleseed expressed enthusiasm for the change and thought Pltz.com was going to be the big success story in the social networking space over the next five years.

“We’re kind of the Sharepoint of Facebook, so…”

From across the room a coworker corrected Appleseed. “Dude, no. The venture capitalists nixed that. We’re the Pinterest of… uh… HEY, JERRRY! WHAT ARE WE THE PINTEREST OF?”

“LINKEDIN!”

“Right. We’re the Pinterest of LinkedIn.”

Appleseed stared at him blankly for a minute and then said “I get to wear a lot of hats here. It’s exciting. You can just… say I said that.”

Apple declined to comment on who might replace Appleseed in demos in the future, but a new jobs opening for someone with “an Apple-themed name” on the company’s web site indicated the company is recruiting for the position.

11 Jun 12LIVE WWDC KEYNOTE COVERAGE

Oh, what the hell.

10:17 – So far, NO ANNOUNCEMENTS. There was a filmstrip and it broke in the middle and Scott Forstall couldn’t fix it so Bob Mansfield took everyone outside for fifteen minutes to play kickball. Now we’re back inside.

10:21 – Phil Schiller has taken the stage and is announcing that, as only Apple could do, the company is CANCELING its entire line of highly popular MacBooks. Schiller says you will love their new line of netbooks featuring plastic enclosures. Stunned silence. Schiller coughs. Then leaves the stage.

10:25 – Tim Cook retakes the stage. His shirt is untucked and you can see his Cesarean scar. Very disturbing. He keeps massaging it idly.

10:30 – There’s some confusion. Schiller and Cook are struggling with the microphone. Schiller wins! He’s announcing a Next Generation MacBook Pro! Cook is still trying to grab the microphone, but Schiller is holding him at bay, his palm placed flatly on Cook’s forehead as Cook swings wildly at Schiller! The Next Generation MacBook Pro features a fabulous new design they call “chunky”! It has an industry-leading 8 VGA ports, a floppy drive and a SCSI port for all your peripherals!

10:33 – Cook performs an Aikido move on Schiller and hurls him into the stands, snatching the microphone! He disowns him! “You’re no son of mine! I have no son!” Then he returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.

10:38 – FEED IS DOWN TEMPORARILY. WE NOW SWITCH YOU LIVE TO THE GIZMODO COVERAGE.

Next Generation MacBook Pro. Screen has a lot of pixels but isn’t 3D. Lame.

10:43 – OK, we’re back. Next Generation MacBook Pro has a fan with blades that are spaced asymmetrically. If you have OCD, please check with your therapist before buying this laptop.

10:46 – Next Generation MacBook Pro is $2,199 and is so fast it shipped three weeks ago and you didn’t even notice it.

10:50 – Craig Federighi has taken the stage to talk about OS X and I’d like to point out that “Craig Federighi” is a FAKE name. His real name is “Craig Fahgahbooooooooooooza.”

10:54 – Something something iCloud. Something something Mountain Lion. Something something Messages. OK, I’m actually at the concession stand getting some peanuts and Red Vines.

10:59 – Did you know Apple’s been selling its own line of hand-crafted blender mayonnaise for five years?

Huh.

11:02 – Power Nap keeps your Mac up to date while you sleep. It handles your calls and takes care of your kids. It’ll call you mom and even service your wife. In fact… YOU NEED NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN.

11:07 – An hour in and a stranger enters. He wanders about the stage, curiously dressed in turn of the century garb with a curled mustache and a cane. It’s as if no one sees this stranger. They continue on demonstrating operating system features while the stranger looks over their shoulders and smiles an evil grin. He tips his top hat and departs as the audience feels a shiver go down their spine.

11:16 – Now, iOS 6.0! “Siri has been out for 8 months and has been studying up.” That’s why she hasn’t had time to answer anything you’ve asked her.

11:22 – Siri is now ready to talk about your relationship with her and what YOU’VE done to try to improve things. SHE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

11:25 – Facebook. Barf.

11:27 – New feature: Do Not Disturb. It’ll turn off your phone. Apple will also be shipping the Do Not Disturb iPhone that has no phone! … Yes, it’s an iPod touch. But think of the hours of your life you’ll get back!

11:32 – “Look, seriously, we are just completely out of ideas since Steve died.”

11:38 – Apple introduces a new app: Coupon Clipper. No more taking that giant purse to the grocery store with all those coupons in them! Coupons are stored conveniently in an app! You’ll save as much as 17 cents on toilet paper!

11:46 – New Maps! Features Turn By Turn navigation and Flyover, a 3D view. Note that Flyover is not available in so-called “Flyover” states because, according to Scott Forstall, “no one cares about them. Seriously, the data isn’t even available. We looked. Not real hard, but we looked. There’s like the Corn Palace and that’s it.”

11:54 – Tim Cook returns to deliver One More Thing! LIVE SNAKES! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE! OH, GOD, THE SNAKES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! HELP ME! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AND TRAMPLING OVER EACH OTHER! OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE! I’VE BEEN BITTEN BY WHAT I BELIEVE IS A CORN SNAKE. I’M… I’M FADING… PEOPLE RUSHING PAST. ANOTHER SNAKE IS NEAR MY FACE. OH, NO. DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO

12 Jan 12Underestimated my reach

A year or so ago, inspired by the “CrazyAppleRumors” folks, I bought the “CrazyMicrosoftRumors” domain name.

Just noticed this quote from ZDNet Microsoft blogger Mary Jo Foley from back in June.

First off, no link? Where’s the love?

Second, I am going to sue you blind, lady.