Month: May 2006

Apple Announces Deal With Nike, More Coming.

Apple and Nike announced the Nike+iPod Sport Kit today, a system that transmits your exercise stats from your shoes to your iPod for visual readout and tracking.

This is not the first time Apple has teamed up with a clothing vendor and sources indicate Apple is working on other wearable computing alliances.

According to internal documents forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by those in the know, Apple is teaming up with the following companies:

Pampers – For the lackadaisical parent, the Pampers In-Diaper Alert System tells your iPod when baby is wet, poopy or has chafing of the nimbus. Of course, if your blood alcohol level weren’t the same as the scotch and soda in your hand, you’d probably notice that stuff but, whatever, June Cleaver.

L.L. Bean – Your iPod will instantly recognize those formless sacks of natural materials you attempt to pass off as clothing and begin playing your hippie freak love-in music for you, you god damn commie.

Abercrombie & Fitch – The Poser Package includes a sensor that tells your iPod you’re wearing your way hip A & F garb and your iPod then plays some way cool tunes for you because you’re so awesome and boss!

Frickin’ poser.

Victoria’s Secret – The system includes leather crotchless thong underwear with a push-up bikini top and lace camisole with garters and fishnet stockings, all linked into the iPod nano to monitor friction and tension of the… the various… straps and… the fullness of the… cups… uhhhhhh…………… I’m sorry, I blacked out. What was I saying?

Look for these at an Apple Store near you later this year.

You frickin’ poser.

Apple Releases Open Source Sandwich.

Just days after rumors began to swirl that Apple had decided to close the Darwin kernel, the company attempted to demonstrate its commitment to open source today by open sourcing a sandwich.

According to a spokesperson for Caffe Macs, Apple has open-sourced the Thursday “Meal Deal”, a warm turkey sandwich known as “the Gobbler.”

Documents forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources indicate that the Gobbler is compiled by conducting the following steps in order:

  1. Slice open 1/2 of a French baguette.
  2. Toast the baguette lightly.
  3. Spread both sides with mayonnaise.
  4. Place a heaping portion of premium sliced turkey breast on one side and cover with provolone cheese.
  5. Spread horseradish on the other side.
  6. Toast again until the cheese melts.
  7. Serve hot.

Some Apple followers derided the move as a diversionary tactic on Apple’s part to deflect criticism over locking down the Darwin kernel.

Ars Technica’s John Siracusa said “If Apple believes it’s going to make us forget about the Darwin kernel by offering up this toasty sandwich, with gooey melted cheese and spicy horseradish, smothered in rich mayonnaise… mmm… all inside French bread that’s both soft and crispy… oh, yeah… that’s the stuff…

“What was I talking about?”

Siracusa, who noted he hadn’t had lunch yet, was soon speculating about hacking the sandwich to include bacon and possibly even avocado.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I don’t really have a question, but I wanted to point out this great list of OS 9 rememberances.
A: OS 9 rememberances?
Q: You know, like rebuilding the desktop?
A: Ah, it’s a magical trip down memory lane!
Q: Speaking of memory, what about setting memory allocations for each application?
A: Good times! Or living in the constant fear that you’ll lock up and the app will take the whole system down with it?
Q: Mmm! Yes! Using OS 9 was quite bracing, wasn’t it? Like riding the old wooden roller coaster at a no-name theme park! But my favorite was the deep, unspoken fear that a Windows 95 just might actually be better.
A: Oh, my god, I thought it was just me! And how about how it felt exactly like undressing in the high school locker room and having everyone laugh at you each time you had tell someone you were a Mac user!?
Q: Right! Wait… what?
A: Uh… well… I heard some… other guys felt that way. I never had that happen to me… in high school…

Q: I read this week on your site that Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen is gone and I was thinking it’d be a good time to initiate my lawsuit against Apple.
A: Ah! Strike them while they’re weakest.
Q: Exactly. The only problem is, I can’t decide on what to sue them for.
A: Well, I’m sure there are so many things… so many ways they’ve wronged you.
Q: Oh, there are. Right now I’m considering “Mighty Mouse infestation” or “MacBook Pro-induced crotch burn.” If neither of those fly, I’ve got basic “Mac addiction” as my backup.
A: Those are all good, but might I suggest “Apple Cinema Display envy”?
Q: I actually have an Apple Cinema Display, though.
A: Oh. What about “Titanium poisoning”?
Q: Darn the luck, I’m an iBook guy. “Trackpad finger chafing”?
A: Well, the last guy who tried suing for that had his case tossed out of court after he was shown to be a chronic masturbator.
Q: Oh. Huh. Well… how did they define “chronic”?
A: Uh… why don’t you just go with “Mac addiction”? I mean… defining “chronic masturbation” is probably not territory you want to get into on the stand.
Q: Phew! Not again! Not after my divorce hearing.
A: Over sharing, dude.

Q: Hey, I need a little help. I came into the new Apple Store in New York and…
A: Oh, my god! How is it?!
Q: It’s great. It’s big and, well, you see, it’s just that… well… that… I’m lost.
A: Oh. You got lost in the Apple Store?
Q: Uh… yeah. I took a wrong turn around the theater and ended up in this hall of mirrors. I got kind of turned around I think. It was kind of disorienting. But I broke open one of the mirrors… I’m not sure if I was supposed to do that… but there was this tube so I jumped into it. It dumped me out in this gigantic room where there were stairs coming out of the walls and the ceiling and people were walking up and down them upside down. I tried yelling to them but they just turned and waved. That was kind of freaky. I managed to make it out of there by ducking into this wardrobe, though, but that just led to a sylvan glen full of fauns and centaurs and, jeez, do you know how much fauns and centaurs smell?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Oh, my god. I’m like, “What did you roll in?” And they’re like, “What do you mean?” It was really awkward. Anyway, there was this rabbit hole, so I crawled into that and…
A: Wait, wait, wait. Where are you now?
Q: I’m not completely sure but I think I’m just coming out of a black hole somewhere on the far edge of the universe.
A: Damn. You get good cell reception.
Q: I can see quasars.
A: Uh… I think this is a little beyond me. Let me get the Entity.
Q: That’d probably be good. And could you hurry? I’ve gotta pee like a racehorse.

Apple Issues Warning On MacBook Screws.

Responding to the controversy over four screws on the sides of the recently released MacBook that a number of sites are reporting are “useless” and “purely for cosmetic purposes” Apple issued a dire warning today.

“Do not, under any circumstances remove those screws!” a concerned head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring said.

“Just… just don’t. OK? Seriously. You don’t need to do that. I mean, why… why would you want to do that? There’s no reason. None at all. So don’t.”

Visibly agitated, Mehring would not, however, explain why users should not attempt to remove the screws.

Far from quelling the controversy, Apple’s warning has only served to fuel the fire. Speculation is now raging over what the screws are for and what would be the result of removing them.

A report on AppleInsider claims that one user who removed the screws was spit out of this universe like a watermelon seed. A posting on Apple’s support forum speculated that the screws house an as-yet unused slot like the iMac’s Mezzanine slot, but this one being a “nuclear slot with, like, nuclear powers and radiation and stuff.”

But by far the most disturbing clue was found in what is purported to be an Apple technical note entitled “Periodic Maintenance of Quantum Screws on an Apple MacBook.”

According to this document, forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources in the know, the entire MacBook line was designed to create a quantum net intended to maintain the fragile fabric of the space/time continuum. Apple apparently picked up the contract for maintaining the space/time continuum when a company in the Argolis Cluster that previously did the work went out of business.

Physicists were dubious of the prospect.

“The space/time continuum doesn’t need maintenance,” said Dr. Russell Springer of the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “It just is.”

Pausing to reconsider, Springer added, “Still… probably better if you don’t futz with those screws.”

Apple's Retail Success Due To Ether.

[Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica.

Which, admittedly, I shouldn’t have done. But that’s no reason to go off on Gordy like that.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of certain chemicals on the human brain.

An environmental survey of various retail chains across the nation revealed that the air in Apple Stores contains unusally high concentrations of ether.

“We experimented with different music, different lighting,” said a remarkably frank Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “But ultimately we found that pumping the room full of ether increased sales the most.

“It also increased repeat traffic as people kept coming back into the store, even though they didn’t know why. Or, often, even remember they had been in there before.”

Indeed, according to one anecdote, a curious Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer wandered into the Bellevue Square Apple Store, bought four Mac minis, eight iPods and a Power Mac G5. The next day he woke up drooling and sweaty in a dumpster in Kirkland.

That, of course, was just part of Ballmer’s ordinary Friday night routine and unrelated to the inhalation of the ether.

Apple does credit the strategy with increasing its switcher sales.

Coming to outside the Chandler Fashion Center Apple Store, sudden Apple customer Bill Blanchette, his arms laden with white Apple shopping bags, groggily asked “Unnnhh… What happened? What did I buy?”

Oddly, Apple’s stock was up on the news of its ether retail strategy.

[Don’t forget to scroll down to Moltz’s utterly, utterly false and wrong interpretation.]