Reason For .Mac Issues Discovered

Various user reports from around the Macintosh community indicated that .Mac services have experienced serious problems of late – from slow access to outright outages.

Despite numerous protests, Apple released a statement today insisting that .Mac is “still providing the same high-speed 9600-baud access it has since its inception in 1994.”

This statement was met with significant bafflement by the vast bulk of the Macintosh community. It piqued the interest of Dr. Russell Springer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories, however, who made a startling discovery.

Based on tests performed at the Apple campus, Springer has learned that a tear in the fabric of the space/time continuum has engulfed the .Mac team, altering their reality. Unaware of this change, the entire team believes that it is 1995 and the Apple online service they are working on is not .Mac, but eWorld.

“By 1995 standards,” Springer noted, “the current performance of .Mac is just fine. Accordingly, the team thinks things are going great.

“They’re not crazy about working for Michael Spindler, but…”

Confirming Springer’s findings, several .Mac users indicated seeing eWorld artifacts in their online .Mac experience.

“Man, I saw those little amorphous eWorld guys and I thought I was having another bad mescaline-induced flashback,” said Mac user Trent Davies.

Davies then freaked out looking at an online image of the black MacBook.

“Pismo, man! Pismo! Aaaaaaahhhhh!”

While .Mac users are currently feeling the pain, this unusual incident has a potential upside for long-suffering Newton users.

“The .Mac team has apparently decided to make a Newton conduit for .Mac,” Springer said.

“Although, I wouldn’t hold your breath on it getting finished. They can’t seem to find a Newton development kit.

“Or a Newton.”

Apple engineers outside the .Mac team have only just learned about the issue, but are reportedly already working on closing the tear and reversing its effects.