Why You Will Get No Love Today and Tomorrow.

Nothing today and tomorrow, Apple-istas. Please accept any or all of the following excuses:

  • A tear in the space/rumors continuum has sent all Apple rumors spewing into another dimension.
  • Today is Ryan Meader appreciation day. Oh, who am I kidding?! Every day is Ryan Meader appreciation day!
  • Wait, did I say “spewing”? I meant “splooging”.
  • Your arms are too short to box with Steve Jobs.
  • We’re just not feeling it today. I’m sorry, we’re just not. Is it you? Well, not per se. Is it your “technique”? Since when do you have a “technique”? I wouldn’t call just yanking on it a “technique.” I’m not a Model T, Gloria. You can’t just turn me on by… Oh, no, no, no, no. No, you don’t. Do not try to turn this into a thing about your clitoris. This is not about your clitoris. I’m not lis-ten-ing, Gloria! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!
  • You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks so you get nothing! NOTHING!
  • Got a better offer, man. There are going to be more babes at Scott’s party. Plus, he’s springing for a keg. Sorry.
  • Only the bagel has the correct aspect ratio.

Or, if you don’t like any of these reasons, feel free to add your own in the comments.

Frankly, you can do whatever you want in there. We don’t really care.