Month: November 2006

Apple Hires Stock Photo.

Just days after announcing the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg as General Counsel, Apple today announced that it is making another executive move.

The company is creating a new position – Senior Vice President of Enterprise – which will be charged with developing and implementing Apple’s corporate sales strategy. To fill this position, Apple has hired a stock photo of a smiling executive in a suit.

“I’m thrilled to announce that Stock Photo Guy has joined our executive team, said Apple CEO Steve Jobs, standing next to a picture of his newest recruit.

“Stock Photo Guy has vast experience in the enterprise,” Jobs said. “Whether it’s pointing seriously at something on a screen with an African-American, or pointing at a pie chart with an Asian person or pointing at something off-camera with someone in a wheelchair, Stock Photo Guy has done it all.”

Apple reportedly paid Getty Images $657 to acquire the non-exclusive rights to Stock Photo Guy. Despite the company’s usual policy of exclusive employment, Stock Photo Guy is still available for work in glossy brochures, magazines and catalogs.

Analysts hailed the move and said it fit perfectly with Apple’s enterprise strategy.

“Who better to continue to do nothing than a stock photo?” asked InfoWorld’s Tom Yager.

Stock Photo Guy’s hiring did not please everyone, however.

“They gave him a better parking space than mine,” said a dumbfounded Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson.

“He’s a picture! He doesn’t have a car!”

Apple’s stock was up 1.56 on the announcement.

Microsoft Discontinues the Zune.

Just one day after its release, Microsoft announced today that it is discontinuing the Zune.

Product Manager Scott Erickson said “We gave it our best shot, but it’s become clear that the Zune has failed to gain a purchase in the marketplace.”

Erickson said that the negative reviews and user feedback and Zune reviews that turn into ads for the iPod were overwhelming, creating an insurmountable hill for the Zune to climb.

“People didn’t like the crashing – even with the pictures of chicks getting it on. People didn’t like the weight and the size. People didn’t like the color. People didn’t like the smell of it.”

Holding his Zune up to his face and sniffing it, Erickson muttered “What the hell is that?”

Leaning in, a project engineer said “Sweat socks, sir.”

“Ah. Right.”

Erickson said that the Zune’s termination is actually good news for music fans and fans of Microsoft.

“We heard you loud and clear,” Erickson said. “You said, ‘Fuck no, we don’t want a Zune.’

“Message received.

“That’s why I’m pleased to announce that Microsoft is already working on it’s true iPod killer which we expect to release some time next year.

“Or possibly the year after. But don’t buy any more iPods because you’re really going to want this. Whatever it turns out to be like. Still kicking around some ideas.”

One detail Erickson was able to reveal is that the upcoming “true” iPod killer will feature a totally new DRM system and that any users who have purchased music for the Zune are going to have to buy their tracks all over again.

Internet rumors said it will also allow beamed songs to last for four days or four plays instead of the current three and that it won’t smell like sweat socks as Microsoft recently filed a patent for “a small device that reeks of sauerkraut.”

Microsoft Launches the Zune.

Microsoft released its Zune music player today, a device that the company hopes will challenge the supremacy of the Apple iPod.

In an effort to ensure wide distribution of the device and to leverage its “It’s the social” marketing campaign featuring heroin-chic actors rockin’ out to the Zune, Microsoft has made a bold distribution choice.

In addition to selling the Wi-Fi-enabled Zune through normal retail channels and online, the Zune will also be sold nationally through pushers of heroin and opium derivatives.

“Hey, I’ve got the real stuff, just $399, it’s smokin’ sweet, and brown, real brown,” said one such salesperson encountered on a street in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District.

He declined to provide his name and when asked basic questions about the Zune’s capacity, battery life, and limitations on music exchange, the dealer said, “I’ll cut you!” and moved on.

Analysts fear that some of the target audience – largely 18 to 45, middle-class, white, unmusical individuals with a body-mass index of 25 and higher – may be uncomfortable purchasing their products in cash on unlit streets littered with broken bottles and reeking of urine.

“Hey, that’s how many people buy their first car,” said Zune Product Manager Scott Erickson. Erickson said that his personal car purchase experience was actually much less comfortable and higher pressure.

Responding to criticism of the decision, Erickson said that Microsoft was simply engaging in creative target marketing, as its market research had concluded that anyone interested in buying a Zune would have to already be high on crack.

Zune purchasers can expect follow-up calls, visits, and attacks from the pusher channel, which will demand additional Zune-related purchases every five to 10 days, including music, accessories, additional players, items that fell off trucks, and actual drugs.

In some instances they may move in to your house and use it as a base of operations.

While Microsoft’s new distribution channel has raised some concerns from analysts, another Zune marketing choice is being hailed as a stroke of genius.

According to reviews, all error messages in the Zune software will feature pictures of “girl next door” types engaged in hot lesbian action.

“Users will actually come to want their Zune to crash,” predicted Erickson.

“Which, admittedly, they shouldn’t have to wait long for.”

The Zune went on sale today and large quantities are still reported to be available in all channels.

Inside Apple: The Rosenberg Interview!

Apple announced the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg today. Rosenberg will serve as Apple’s General Counsel and Crazy Apple Rumors Site has the transcript of his interview with Steve Jobs!

We have no idea why they would record something like this, but they do a lot of weird shit.

And it all manages to find its way to… Inside Apple.

APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: Thanks for coming in. It’s great to finally meet you.

DONALD J. ROSENBERG: The pleasure’s mine!

JOBS: Now, Donny… May I call you Donny?

ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I’d really rather you didn’t.

JOBS: The Donster?

ROSENBERG: Nnno. I usually just go by Don.

JOBS: How about the Doninator?

ROSENBERG: No.

JOBS: Donny-do-Donny-do-dee-di-do-Donny?

ROSENBERG: Well… you can see how that might be worse than Donny, can’t you?

JOBS: I suppose so. How about Donatello?

ROSENBERG: Um…

JOBS: Great sculptor. Literally a Renaissance man.

ROSENBERG: I guess that’s OK…

JOBS: Also a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, if I’m not mistaken.

ROSENBERG: Huh.

JOBS: OK, Donatello, let’s get started. I notice on your resumé that you’ve only been at IBM since January. That’s not a long time. Care to tell me why you’ve decided to go job-hopping?

ROSENBERG: Uh, well, I guess because you actively recruited me and offered me a whole boatload of money to come to Apple because I haven’t been associated with any stock-option scandals and I know a lot about intellectual property.

JOBS: Hmm. Are you sassin’ me, boy?

ROSENBERG: No.

JOBS: You seem like you might have an attitude problem.

ROSENBERG: Not at all.

JOBS: You’re not one of those rebels are you?

ROSENBERG: Uhn-uh.

JOBS: A loose cannon?

ROSENBERG: No sir.

JOBS: Only out for yourself?

ROSENBERG: Not me.

JOBS: A bad actor, on the edge?

ROSENBERG: Very far from the edge.

JOBS: How far?

ROSENBERG: Like, a mile and a half. Maybe two miles.

JOBS: Really? Wow. That’s pretty good. I’m only about a hundred yards on a good day.

ROSENBERG: I see.

JOBS: Still, you can’t be me. I don’t expect that. That’d be all wrong. I mean, then we’d have two offices with “Steve Jobs” written on them. It’d be very confusing.

ROSENBERG: Right.

JOBS: You’d get all my email. I’d get all yours.

ROSENBERG: It’d be insanity.

JOBS: Exactly. OK, now, our last General Counsel had breasts. You don’t seem to have any noticeable breasts.

ROSENBERG: Um… uh… thank… you?

JOBS: But you are open to adding breasts later should we require it for, you know, diversity purposes.

ROSENBERG: Nnno.

JOBS: Oh. Well… that’s going to be kind of a problem… Ah, never mind. I’ll just get [Senior Vice President of the iPod Division] Tony [Faddell] to wear a dress. He’s got the legs for it.

ROSENBERG: If you say so.

JOBS: I do. You should see him. Guy must have played soccer or something. I don’t roll that way, but if I did… whoo. Damn.

ROSENBERG: …

JOBS: Well. Let’s move on.

ROSENBERG: Please.

JOBS: Hmm. Hmm. [mumbles] IBM.

ROSENBERG: What’s that?

JOBS: I. B. M.

ROSENBERG: Yes. That’s… where I work now.

JOBS: I’ve heard of them.

ROSENBERG: Uh, sure you have.

JOBS: I could have worked for them if I had wanted to.

ROSENBERG: Oh?

JOBS: You’re not such a big shot.

ROSENBERG: I didn’t say…

JOBS: They just wanted me to move further away from the edge. Like a good 500 yards. And I didn’t want to do that.

ROSENBERG: OK.

JOBS: Yeah. So, if you work for IBM, that means you’ve spent most of this year in New York state… Quick! Mets or Yankees?!

ROSENBERG: Um… uh… Knicks!

JOBS: Ah… very clever. Very clever. Truth be told, I don’t know jack about baseball, it’s more of a psychological question. Like, “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” See how you think on your feet. You handled that like a pro.

ROSENBERG: Oh. Well, great!

JOBS: I’m very pleased with what I’m seeing here, Donatello. If you do well in the swimsuit competition, I think you might be our next General Counsel!

ROSENBERG: Fabulous! Well, I’ll just… uh… did you say “swimsuit competition”?

JOBS: Just a formality.

ROSENBERG: How much money, exactly, are you throwing at me again?

JOBS: A lot.

ROSENBERG: Mmm. OK.

JOBS: And, hey, how about some backdated stock options?!

ROSENBERG: Uh… no…

JOBS: Ahh, I’m just kidding! You need to lighten up. You seem a little serious.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: You ran a poll a couple of weeks ago asking who should replace Steve Jobs, but you left out the most obvious person.
A: Really? We had Boba Fett…
Q: No! Amelio!
A: Come again?
Q: Gil Amelio! C’mon, he’s got experience and it’s a repeat of Jobs’ storybook return!
A: How’s that?
Q: Apple leader, forced out, wanders in the wilderness of the technology industry for ten years and then returns triumphant!
A: “The wilderness”? He’s a venture capitalist.
Q: I’ve even got a slogan for him. Amelio: tanned, rested and ready!
A: Wait, wasn’t that Nixon’s slogan?
Q: Maybe. So what?
A: I dunno, it’s just… Amelio?
Q: Well, it beats the hell out of Spindler.
A: Well, that’s obvious.

Q: I bought a MacBook over the summer because I was really excited about the built-in iSight camera and the ability to video chat with my friends. But I’ve recently become concerned that Apple is watching me through it! I don’t have any direct proof, but I can’t shake this feeling!
A: These kinds of phobias are perfectly natural, but irrational. You may rest assured that Apple is not looking at you through your iSight.
Q: OK. OK. That’s a relief. I feel better now.
A: Yes. Our sources at Apple say they were looking at you through your iSight, but… well… let’s face it, what’s to see?
Q: Uh…
A: I mean, you sitting at home every Saturday night. Eating Cup Ramen, watching your Farscape DVDs and… well… applying that ointment.
Q: Hey! Farscape was a great show! And the rash won’t go away!
A: Hmm. Perhaps the rash is the physical representation of your Farscape fever and will only go away when you move on.
Q: Huh. Wow. I never thought of that. You think that’s it?
A: What? N-no. Dude, you’re wearing leather chaps. It’s the chafing.
Q: Ah, the chafing! I should have thought of that.

Q: You may know your way around Mac, Mr. Help Desk Guy, but you don’t know the first thing about chaps.
A: Uh, well, that could be. But what’s your beef?
Q: Chafing? Chafing? Heh, maybe if you got your chaps at Target or something.
A: Well, I’m not the one wearing the chaps…
Q: What you want to do is go down to the Village and go to the chaps place on Bleecker Street. Tell them Carl sent you.
A: I don’t need any chaps. It was the guy in the last question.
Q: Get the suede ones. The real suede ones. Not that crappy Mexican suedeola. Now, that will give you chafing.
A: I’m not so much in the market for chaps. Not so much a chaps wearer.
Q: A lot of people will tell you to oil your chaps every week. Don’t. Get the spray coating. It’s cheaper and doesn’t leave a residue.
A: I should put you in touch with the previous caller.
Q: I’m wearing my chaps right now and nary a sign of chafing. Check out my bikini area.
A: No. Actually, I think it’s time for an abrupt ending. We haven’t had one of those in a while anyway.