Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I read your piece yesterday about how you lied to us about covering Macworld.
A: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah. That. That whole… lyin’ thing. Kinda funny, huh?
Q: No. I mean, if the Macworld reports are all fake, how can we trust you about anything?
A: Trust us? We’re a rumors site. Do you trust Apple Insider? Do you trust MacRumors? Do you trust MacOSRumors? Do you trust MacOSXRumors? Do you trust, uh… what’s the other one?
Q: MacOSXMacOSMacMacMaccityMacMacRumors.
A: Yeah, them. Do you trust them?
Q: Well, no. But you were different, man. You didn’t hide behind some pseudonym like some little girl.
A: Little girls hide behind pseudonyms?
Q: Little… evil ones. So, what is real on the site? If you’ve lied about your Macworld coverage, what can we trust you on?
A: Uh, let’s see… the legal disclaimer and the link to the store.
Q: The link to the…
A: But not actually the store itself. Uh, there are some lies in there.
Q: There are lies in the store?
A: The shirts. Don’t trust them. The mug is OK. But watch out for the button.
Q: Uh…
A: Those things’ll stab you just as soon as look at you.
Q: Is… is that just some sort of design flaw?
A: Possibly. But can you really take the chance?
Q: Well… uh… I don’t… Oh, for crying out loud, now I can’t even remember what the hell I was asking you!
A: I think it was something about the Apple phone.
Q: It was not!

Q: I’m really confused about this whole options scandal. Can you explain it in simple language that a layman can understand?
A: Oh, I’ll do better than that. I’ll get Ugluk to explain it in language simple enough that a proto-human can understand it!
Q: Awesome!
A: Ugluk?
Q: Ur?
A: Can you explain the Apple stock options issue for us?
UGLUK: Nnn. Ahem. First there is the backdating issue. Jobs was issued 7.5 million options in 2000 with a strike price set at a date earlier than the grant date. This netted Jobs a windfall of the difference between the stock price at the strike date and the grant date. You see, if Jobs were to have sold those options, he would have collected the difference between whatever the strike price was on the options and the value of the stocks at the time. By setting the date back to when the price was lower, the company was affording Jobs compensation without a tax implication. This in itself was not illegal if properly reported. This brings us to our second issue: the accounting. This is where the illegalities would have occurred and Apple has steadfastly maintained that Jobs was unaware of the accounting implications. The options were not properly accounted for, forcing the company to restate earnings in the amount of $84 million. Furthermore the grant was not approved at a full board meeting as required by Apple’s compensation policy and the company falsely reported that it was. The company has now resolved the issue of the accounting with it’s filing of a 10-Q with the SEC and it continues to maintain that Jobs was not involved in the improper reporting.
Q: Wha… well, that didn’t help at all! I didn’t understand a word of that!
A: Ugluk, have you been reading the Wall Street Journal again?! Bad Neanderthal! Bad!
UGLUK: Rrrah! Groooonk! It not Wall Street Journal! It Financial Times! And you no want Ugluk read it then you stop leaving it in men’s room stall!

Q: I saw last week that Linksys announced an “iPhone” and I’m really worried now that Apple won’t be announcing a phone. I’m just not sure if my life is worth living if there isn’t going to be a big announcement at Macworld.
A: Oh, c’mon. Don’t say that. I mean… you’ve got your… uh… you’ve got that…
Q: Yeah?
A: That… thing… that you do… with, uh, the… poodles?
Q: I don’t do anything with poodles.
A: Oh. I thought… oh, no, that’s Larry. OK. OK. Well, uh, you still collect beer cans, right?
Q: No. My mom recycled my collection last year.
A: What? Oh, man. You had some primo cans.
Q: I know.
A: OK. That’s OK. ‘Cause… you’ve still got… oh, no, wait, you’re not dating her anymore, are you?
Q: Mindy?
A: Maybe. Was she the one who looked like Art Buchwald in a leotard?
Q: Thanks. Man, why did everyone say that?
A: OK, but that just means that you’ve got room in your life now to meet your soul mate. You just need to get out and start dating.
Q: …
A: Oooooooooh. I’m sorry. I forgot about the… whole Segway accident and the colostomy bag.
Q: Well, that makes one of us. ‘Cause, I sure haven’t forgotten, what with the constant sloshing…
A: Well, hey, hey, hey. There’s always the Apple tablet. And the lightweight laptop. And the true video iPod! You’ve got to stay positive. Steve Jobs is gonna pull you out of this and give you a reason to go on living! I’m 100 percent sure of it, Gordy!
Q: Well… OK. I’ll keep living for another week and a half. But If there’s nothing big at Macworld I’m not waiting for some fricking late-January special event.
A: Fair enough. Boy, they sure do make it hard for a guy to know when to off himself, don’t they?
Q: You’re tellin’ me. It used to be there were two times a year they’d give you a reason to live. Now one could come at any time, but I’ll tell you, I just don’t have the patience for that.
A: I don’t blame you. Not one bit.

Apple World Rocked By More Scandal.

Following yesterday’s revelation that Apple executives forged documents relating to the issuance of stock options, the Financial Times reported today that the forgeries were specifically related to options granted to CEO Steve Jobs.

Later, though, the Apple world was further shocked to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site had falsified every report it had filed from Macworld for the past five years.

“Uh, we’ve actually never been to Macworld,” said a chastened editor-in-chief John Moltz. “I know it’s seemed like we have to some of our slower readers, but we think that if you go back and read our coverage again it will seem painfully obvious that we were actually filing those reports from a van outside of Pittsburgh while eating Cheez-Its and drinking warm Stroh’s from cans.”

“I mean, that iMac with the round base and the flat screen on an arm? We made that up! C’mon, people!”

Moltz apologized for deceiving CARS readers for five years but promised to make it up to them this year.

“In gesture of contrition, I will personally be attending Macworld this year,” Moltz said, “I’ll be there to provide the in-depth coverage that CARS readers have come to believe – incorrectly – that they can rely on.”

Moltz went on to apologize for what his attendance will mean for this coming Macworld.

“Consequently – by several laws of probability that govern this universe – this will be the lamest Macworld ever.

“There will be no Apple phone, no tablet device, no lightweight laptop. I predict there will be an iLife update and after Steve Jobs says ‘Oh, and… one more thing…’ every attendee will receive a kick to the groin. The entire keynote will be fifteen minutes long.”

Moltz again apologized.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did seem intrigued by the kick to the groin idea.

Apple Shares Fluctuate on Jobs News.

Apple shares took a rollercoaster ride today, the final results of which may not be realized for several days as investors sort out the rumors.

Apple’s stock tumbled early on news of a report on that said company officials forged documents related to the issuance of employee stock options and that CEO Steve Jobs had retained legal counsel in the affair. After further reports that Jobs was unlikely to be at risk and his decision to seek counsel was likely nothing more than a precautionary measure, shares rose around mid-day.

Shares fell again in early afternoon trading, however, after another web site reported that Jobs might actually be a chick. This speculation launched another class action suit against the company and Jobs, claiming the thought of him as a chick was “icky” and complaining “Oh, great, now we have that image in our heads and right after the holidays even, so thank you very much.”

Shares quickly rose in early mid-afternoon trading when the web site was revealed to be, a site specializing in information on…

…well, something that tends to make males involuntarily cross their legs and that it had actually said Jobs could be a chick with some surgery and estrogen.

This rise was to be short-lived as in the mid-mid-afternoon, shares fell again on news that Jobs had fallen into a deep funk about the mid-season cancellation of Lifetime’s Angela’s Eyes.

“Abigail Spencer is such a talented actress,” Jobs reportedly sighed, near tears. “And Dozer had a MacBook! Stupid network execs! Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

In the mid-afternoon, shares rose again when investors realized they had never even heard of Angela’s Eyes before and Jobs would probably snap out of it if they just got him into Veronica Mars.

Alas, their irrational exuberance proved unsustainable through early late afternoon when it was revealed in a hastily-convened press conference that Jobs was not – as many assumed – a nigh-omnipotent being sent by a dying alien race to save humans from their own failings.

Just as shares were plummeting again, the company announced in mid-late afternoon that Jobs was, in fact, the Greek god Prometheus and was here to deliver unimaginable technology that will elevate us from our current primitive state.

The market closed shortly thereafter, leaving shares up 0.01 on the day and the hands of numerous securities traders severely cramped.

Is There In Photoshop No Beauty?

You may have seen today that some other sites have posted poor Photoshop mock-ups of a supposed Apple phone. Please be advised that this is not the phone that Apple will announce at Macworld next month.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received actual photos of the forthcoming Apple phone and it looks nothing like that.

While members of the CARS have seen the photos, we are unable to post them because of the grave danger they pose to the Apple community. The reason for this is that the Apple design process and the genius of Jonathan Ive and Steve Jobs have reached such a pinnacle that the Apple phone is so blindingly beautiful that it cannot be viewed directly without driving the viewer insane.

The photos received by CARS were first viewed by Scooter the mail room guy who opened the envelope they came in and has since been in the men’s room clawing the flesh off his face. Fortunately, Scooter suffers from severe acne and his dermatologist said this may actually improve his skin condition.

If he’s not left a drooling psycho case.

We think he’ll get better.

We hope he’ll get better.

It’s not a great way to spend the holidays, though.

The Entity is, of course, immune to the effects of viewing the Apple phone and was even able to construct a pair of protective goggles that we’ve been using to look at the pictures.

At the risk of sounding like that Gizmodo jackass, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s not white and it’s not chrome and it’s not brushed metal…

And yet it’s all of those. And it’s all the iPod nano colors and all other colors there are and yet…

It’s no color at all.

Kinda hard to describe.

Plus it comes with a lanyard!

How cool is that?!

We’re still not sure how Apple’s planning on getting around the whole “people go insane when they look at it” thing.

They say the G4 Cube did the same thing, though, so…

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, when you see some supposed pictures of the Apple phone, if they don’t drive you insane, then they’re just crappy Photoshop mock-ups.

That’s all.