As the remainder of the presentations for the week appear to be by people whose names do not rhyme with “sleeve snobs”, we have scurried back to the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters to detox and get some rest.
You know it was a big couple of days when you can truthfully utter the words “I saw Cheap Trick.” And you know it was a bigger couple of days when you can’t say the words “I saw Cheap Trick” because there’s some girl’s panties that she put in your mouth with her phone number written on them.
That didn’t happen to me, of course, it was Thor, but it was pretty cool just to see it happen.
Uh, you know, actually, it also happened to Ugluk if I remember correctly.
And Howard.
Hmm.
Oh, and Masako.
Huh.
…
Well, Peter Cohen did grab my ass.
So, you know, the trip wasn’t a complete loss.
Oh, and there was something about a phone, I seem to remember…
But getting back to Cheap Trick, I have to thank Microsoft’s Mac Business Unit for getting us in to MacBlast. We had some other offers of help but they were the ones who came through in the end.
That, of course, means that we are indebted to them and must now provide nothing favorable coverage of Microsoft, Windows and the Zune.
Wow.
At least that’s what it says on the back of the tickets. I really should have read that before agreeing to take them. Those guys are crazy with the EULAs.
Also, since they were so nice to us, I’d like to personally apologize for something juvenile I once wrote about Roz Ho.
I’m terribly sorry.
Really.
It was just a cheap shot (but not a Cheap Trick, because they rock!) and, Roz, you should know that it’s not about you, it’s about me. It was – like this entire site and my highly publicized relationship with Jessica Simpson – a desperate cry for attention. So, please accept my humblest apologies.
But…
Well, you know, in fairness to me, you probably heard it all through high school anyway.
Unless that’s your married name.
I wonder if anyone in the MacBU calls her R-Ho?
Anyway, let’s talk about the phone. Now, I’ve been reading a lot of whiny-assed crap from a bunch of pathetic losers who are bitching and moaning about piddly little things like “Boo-hoo-hoo, it’s too expensive!” or “Ooooh, it’s Cingular only!” or “Whaaa, it’s GSM and not CDMA!”
So, let me talk directly to these miserable excuses for Apple fans. The rest of you can tune out for a bit.
Hey.
HEY.
HEY!
WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!
Did you see Steve at the end of the keynote?! He was practically crying!
Listen, let me say this and I’m going to try to be as clear as I possibly can because you’re obviously fricking stupid.
The people at Apple don’t make these awesome products to make money. They make them because they love you.
I know some people (like my mother) don’t like it when I use this word, but if there’s ever an appropriate use of it it’s right here and right now to you numb nuts.
Shut the fuck up.
That’s right.
Shut.
The.
Fuck.
Up.
If you don’t want to buy the glorious technological marvel that Steve hath delivered unto us as Prometheus of old, that’s your prerogative. You’re an idiot, but it’s your prerogative.
But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit by and hear you sully this man’s life work.
Even if it is his third life work.
So…
I hope I’ve made my point.
Don’t make me travel the globe so I can smack each and every one of you.
Uh, anyway, we had a good time.
That’s all I wanted to say.
FIRST! w00t!
Okay, now that I’ve actually read the post, sorry about the “w00t” thing… I realize that it’s juvenile and sooo 2003. Sorry…
Really sorry.
I am first though. How cool is that?
Third?!
Geez John… If I don’t bail on you like everybody else just because you told us to “shut the fuck up”, does that make me a mindless sycophant?
Oh yeah. A bit of shameless self promotion… Please don’t ban me!
Number FIVE is alive!!!!!
Dude, you fracked up your link. I fixed it for you.
Steve Wozniak is the love child of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak.
And John Moltz is John Gruber.
Yeah, I thought the near-crying stuff was odd. I wonder if he just needed a nap.
Mr. Moltz, I don’t care what any of these other guys say.. You’re the bestest ever!
…
Oh GAWD!! I AM a mindless sycophant!
Tenth – The new First.
And after reading the article, I cried, I could feel the love that went into that John. I see you really care about the stupid people of the world
Now to find my lost badger
I’m sorry, did you say something?
And would someone get this badger off me?
Please.
Yeah. That’s right. You stay over there.
It is written “Leave a Reply”
but
looks like everybody here got this kind of hangover, doesn’t it ?
«And “he” didn’t even talk about iLife 07, and “he” didnt talk about the twelvocore3Quadro, and…»
That’s what we hear about here.
…and he didn’t even came in riding a pony, like predicted- big dissapointment.
Tally Ho!
(sorry, Roz)
Aw, who am I kidding… Moltz made me do it.
I don’t know how, but he did.
And for Bob’s Sake, get that damn badger some rabies shots! Those things are mean… and you’ll need stitches later.
Um, shouldn’t it read “That, of course, means that we are indebted to them and must now provide nothing BUT favorable coverage of Microsoft, Windows and the Zune.” Because if it says what you claim it says on the back of the ticket, I don’t see what the problem is…
Woo! swearing, and my shirt arrived today from the free crap prizes!
Nothing funny or thought provoking to say.
Stand up the person who said “What’s new?”
Rerun of the ‘I am Spartacus’ scene.
Thanks for finding my badger. Ummm, you are bleeding there, no not there, there. Just hold pressure. I will get some bandaids.
He was going to be released in the room holding all the clueless “we didn’t get rainbow Apple stickers as kids so we are still pouting” tech dipsh I mean pundits. But Moltz seemed a little more vicious and hadn’t had his rabies shot
If 10 is the new first, than 20 is the new second.
And I don’t know who this is, but STOP FUCKING COPYING APPLE asshole!
What do you say? Miniature and squashy? Who would use SUCH a name for his company?!?
Never mind! Pass that badger over! I’ll show him the love of Greenpeace…
meow
Yeah, shut the fuck up you miserable excuses for Apple fans…
The crucial question for the iPhone is will it be able to share socks with the iPod?
Yeuch!
Ah, I wish I could have gone to Macworld. This is because it is in a foreign country and I’ve always wanted to go to a foreign country because I am always mispronouncing words, but if I was in a foreign country and mispronounced a word they’d probably think I was just saying it how it is said where I come from (which I wouldn’t be). Or more likely, since I’d be in America, they’d probably just nod their heads and make affirmative noises and then when they thought I was gone say to one another ‘Did anyone understand a word he was saying?‘ and such like, but I wouldn’t really be gone I would have snuck round the back and rejoined them, now wearing one of those clever disguises with the glasses, big nose, and bushy moustache and eyebrows so they wouldn’t recognise me, and then I’d say in an American accent and in such a way as to be extremely convincing ‘I don’t know but I bet it was really deep I could tell by his eyes’. To this they’d probably reply ‘Fuck off, deep? Wasn’t he an Australian?’ which would really piss me off and I‘d launch into a rant about how I wasn’t a bloody Aussie and how any idiot could tell that and so on, at which point they were all confused because they didn‘t recognise me on account of the (clever) disguise and then it just got awkward after that. The end.
Uh… I am a Mac fan first, and an Apple Fan second. Excuse the HELL out of me for expecting things like maybe… I don’t know… some MAC announcements at the MACworld expo. Silly of me I know, but still… If I wanted to see a CES keynote, I would have tuned into some stream from Vegas.
And… I am sorry… I still can’t get over that aTV “demo”. It connects up to your big screen HDTV… but no high def actually gets streamed to the unit. And why oh why would I want audio going to my TV? So I can let my 5.1 home theater just sit their an collect dust? aTV is a solution in search of a problem.
Sorry I get grumpy went I get tired.
Chris
Chris: obviously one valium isn’t enough. You might need to check into the clinic.
Go Bears.
(Sorry, football turrets syndrome)
Wow! Did you read comment number 23 that was great. If it had lesbians on ponies it would have been better though.
. . .
bit of a disappointment really.
. . .
Sorry, forgot myself a bit there. It was fantastic.
I just have to post a reply. John, I think it’s shallow and crass of you to make us all voyeurs by publishing your reenactment of your bacchanalian antics.
I only live across the mountains. I would have split expenses. Come on, here.
I’d also like to say: Everything every one of those “other” “smart” phones promises, the friggin’ iPhone actually does. Yes, I’m a bobble-headed, Steve-loving, sycophantic slobbering Apple fanboy, but that doesn’t change the basic fact: The iPhone is bitchin’.
Can I get a witness.
Slow down a little. This isn’t a race after all.
Amen!
And Footbal turrets? ||||||
Admit it…you want to travel the world just so you can grab each and every one of our asses.
Okay, I admit it… Oh wait! You weren’t talking to me? Heh heh, I was only joking anyway.
By the way, ‘Did you read comment number 23 that was great.’ should have been ‘Did you read comment number 23? That was great.’ It wasn’t meant to refer to the 23rd great comment… Ah, atleast that’s what I think the guy who wrote it meant. It wasn’t just me in a clever disguise or anything. Why would you think that? Hahahaha ahem.
In reference to Comment Number 23.
I am Crazy Apple Rumors fan first, and a listen to complaints guy like 53rd or 54th. If I wanted to read whiney bitchy comments I would tune into the “Bitchy Apple Rumors Site”. I’m here to read funny shit, sarcastic shit, and sometimes just plain shity shit (sorry Jon). I’m into numbering posts, goats, sexbots, and quiet walks at night. If you want to complain do it in way that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, or at least slightly ammused.
OK, 32 is the new 23!
Badger? We don’ need no steenkin’ badgers!
That damn thing does smell. Didn’t someone give it a bath?
Am I the only one who’s waiting for John’s “Smack the World” Tour? We could get T-shirts and everything! Of course, unless, “smack the world” is a euphemism for something else…
Badger on a stick. Them’s good eat’n.
In references to comments 1 through 34 inclusive:
According to my cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s sister-in-law, parallel lines DO converge. So watch out…
Go Badgers! On Wisconsin!
Better still: Deep-fried, breaded badger-on-a-stick. AKA “Dip-Z-Badger!”
Only the best carnival midways have such wonders, and we all know that Macworld is no carnival. Zoo maybe, but not a carnival.
The badger has a better aspect ratio than the bagel.
We could build an enormous wooden badger…
Go Hawks!
38 is the new 10, hence the new new Number One.
Be Seeing You.
Seeing you with my phone.
The one that goes «oh, I’m not even Cingular. Or angular, or not even French Mustard.»
Quick survey. Use the touch senstive screen to answer. If you don’t have a touch sensitive screen, use the back of the person standing in line ahead of you; that should prove to be sensitive enough.
I read CARS posts for
1. thoughtful assesement
2. jovial diversion
3. mild anguish
4. electrical stimulation therapy
My business communication is mainly through
1. iMac
2. eMac
3. Hey, mac.
4. Buddy can you spare a dime.
My recurring dreams generally include
1. Pork chops
2. Guitar chops
3. small mammals
4. All of the above.
Please submit your answers before changing your underwear so that the results will be more precise.
I’d answer 433, and I can’t spare a dime – I only work with Euros…
meow
I think you need some more choices. My answers would be
5. It’s cheeper than therapy and seems to be working just as well. Except, you know, that one incident that was PURELY accidental.
5. MacMacMaccityMacMacBook Pro
5. Lesbians, Ponies, Backhoes, and hot tubs filled with booze.
Wait I think I need to change my answer. Just change #5 for all of them to Lesbians, Ponies, Backhoes, and hot tubs filled with booze. That is probably a more accurate answer to all 3.
Hey John;
Make sure you take a Schedule C deduction for your trip!
Remember, I’m not an accountant and do not play one on TV.
Mikey
Apple inc.(thought the new name might imply a change) must just love litigation, they negotiate with Cisco, don’t come to an agreement, anounce the iPhone anyway, (What about eyePhone, ayePhone, (any other letter in the alphabet)Phone, applePhone, etc) I guess they need to keep their lawyers in shape….
I was going to say that choice 4 worked for me in all cases, but with Del’s suggestion I’d go for choice 5 across the board.
Oh, and I just saw Rip posting at the Macalope. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
This is exasperating; it’s what happens when you let everyone and their ventriloquist dummy post messages.
1. A badger is a pussycat compared with a carcajou.
2. Since Apple’s iPhone runs OS X it is a Mac. So stop whining already! It’s small, it’s “differently abled,” but it is a Mac. Of course it’s also an iPod, so that really messes up the whole halo effect.
If cisco wins the lawsuit, they should just rename it the JesusPhone. I already call it that.
If I WAS wearing any underwear (and I’m not saying I’m not) I’d change it into warm pudding. That’s even better than a flannel jockstrap.
I’m going to wait for the iPhone Pro
Wait. Can I still order the grilled cheese sandwich, here? Why are there no “all of the above” buttons. For that matter, why are there no “All of the above” zippers? Velcro?
I have to go. The microwave is beeping. Or the bomb is about to explode. Or my cell phone battery is low. Maybe it’s just the voices being mischievous again.
Thanks to all the participants in the survey. The complete results will be published tomorrow.
I’m predicting that there will be four winners. Of course, there were only four participants. Five actually, but one was wearing a thong, and that didn’t count.