Month: June 2007

Strange times call for strange people.

Could be an odd week ahead what with iPhone fee-vah hitting a fee-vah pitch, so expect several posting irregularities (’cause I had the bean dip, if you know what I mean! Ha-ha!), as we may be forced to self-medicate to contain our excitement.

And, well, speaking of pitching, we’re going to Wednesday’s Mariners/Red Sox day game to see Dice-K pitch against Not Felix.

And, in this case, it’s Baek so it’s someone really not Felix.

But if you’re in desperate need of solid technology news you can always go to Fake Phil Schiller.

Or Fake Paul Thurrott.

Or Fake Rob Enderle.

Or…

Uh, fake me.

Ahem.

Anyone want to take responsibility for that last one?

Anyone?

Hmm?

Nope?

Didn’t think so.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Performa that I’m thinking of giving to a kid in the neighborhood who doesn’t have a computer. I was wondering if there’s a good site somewhere to download some old games that he could run on OS 9.
A: What?! Who cares?! Don’t you know the iPhone’s coming next week?! iPhone! Yay, iPhone!
Q: So… is that a “no”?
A: Uh…
Q: …
A: iPhone! Yay!
Q: [sigh]

Q: I’ve been trying to set up an older Titanium PowerBook as a media server connected to my HDTV – kind of like an Apple TV – but when I connect it using the S-Video cable all I get is black and white. What gives?
A: Oh, my god, have you seen this iPhone tour?! Is that not the bossest thing you’ve ever seen?!
Q: Yes, it’s very nice. But, see, if I can’t watch my movies in color it’s not really…
A: Oh, holy crap, you just swipe to delete an email! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! OH, MY FRICKING GOD!!!
Q: …
A: Wow!
Q: Are you OK?
A: No! I don’t think so! I’ve got the iPhone fever bad! And… I think I’m having some kind of an pulmonary episode.
Q: Should I call someone?
A: Please.

Q: Um…
A: …
Q: Uh…
A: …
Q: Oh, just go ahead.
A: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! iPhone! iPhone, iPhone, iPhoooooooooooooone!
Q: I will be so happy when this is over.
A: Ahhhhh! Wheeeeeeee!!! Heh-heh.
Q: …
A: iPhone!

Apple Announces Lolcats Strategy.

After weeks of outcry from customers and the press about the company’s apparent lack of action concerning a growing Internet phenomenon, Apple has finally announced its strategy for lolcats.

At a press event on the Cupertino campus, CEO Steve Jobs said that an upcoming revision to .Mac would enable users to automatically add lolcats text to any of their iPhoto images.

“I think this is going to be a really exciting feature for our customers,” Jobs said. “And I’d love to show it to you now.”

Taking a sip from a bottled water, Jobs sat down at a keyboard and monitor and brought up .Mac.

“We’ve got some standard, pre-built lolcats text you can see here in this pull-down menu. Let’s say I want to add ‘I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?’ to this picture. First, I select the picture… then I select ‘I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?’ from the list of pre-defined lolcats texts… and then it’s just one click.

Clicking a button, Jobs created an image of a clearly uncomfortable-looking iPod product marketing manager Stan Ng dressed up in a crude cat suit with “I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?” emblazoned on it in sans serif text.

“Boom. It’s that easy.”

Jobs also said that Apple’s lolcats technology would be added to the iPhone so users can add humorously truncated text to the pictures they take with the unit’s built-in 2 megapixel camera.

“And the great thing about that,” Jobs noted, “is that the iPhone’s on-screen keyboard is already so difficult to use that it’s highly likely to interpret your keystrokes in a hilariously misspelled fashion. So it makes rolling your own lolcats almost automatic.”

The iPhone implementation also includes a feature where users can, Madlibs-like, supply their own words to complete the commonly-used lolcats syntax “I’M IN UR [blank], [blanking] UR [blank].”

“This is light years ahead of what anyone else is doing with lolcats. And it’s only available on .Mac and the iPhone.”

Microsoft was expected to respond shortly by announcing its own strategy which will consist of a crayon that users can use to write lolcats text on the images that appear on their screens.

Another cost-cutting measure

Masako had to delete the WordPress users. So, if you set one up, it’s gone. Please try to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move on. Membership really does not bring rewards anyway.

It’s money that brings rewards. And each one of those user IDs cost us $4,500.

It’s true.

Post coming later.

Soldiering On.

Well, I’ve managed to pull together a budget that – with a little luck, some change we found in the couch and performing a few sexual acts we might not be proud of (well, OK, pride’s not really going to factor into it) – I calculate will keep us solvent through…

…uh, about 2:15 PM PST tomorrow afternoon.

Jeez, I just never realized we operated on such an efficient implementation of the Japanese just-in-time model.

I also never realized that the Japanese were talking about inventory and not cash. Suddenly makes a lot more sense.

All those Cs in business school also make a lot more sense.

It’s a little annoying to see other blogs get book deals and sweet gigs at places we probably wouldn’t be allowed to use the bathroom while we have to scrape (literally – we did a lot of scraping this afternoon) to get by.

But maybe it’s partly my fault for taking the high road with those Darling Furball t-shirts and deciding not to make a profit off them.

We sold 18,000 of those suckers.

Exactly. And what’s even weirder is that 17,000 were extra large while the rest were double extra large.

Well, maybe that’s not so weird.

But I’ll tell you what is weird. Rattling around in this office without the… well… thing… that put it all together in the first place.

And I see that OS X 10.4.10 was released today.

[sniff]

The Entity would have wanted to be here to see that.

He loved palindromes.

Well, anyway, we’ve just decided to keep writing until we max out Chet’s parents’ credit card.

Why a 35-year-old has his parents’ credit card is beyond me but at this point I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

I am taking the gift horse back, though. I mean, that’s just an extravagance we can’t afford right now.