Archive for October, 2007

31 OctApple Faces Two New Lawsuits.

Bad news for Apple today as the company has been made the target of two new lawsuits – one over restraint of trade and one over a product defect.

In the first, Apple has been sued by the creators of the Word-A-Day calendar series over the Word of the Day screen saver in Leopard.

“Apple has basically just driven us out of business, Artemus Johnson, president of the Word-A-Day Company said. “I have kids to feed. A mortgage. I actually have a Mac on lease! It’s not fair.

“No one’s going to buy those little tear-off calendars this Christmas! My wife is going to leave me! Aaaah!”

In a separate suit, Apple is being sued over the iPhone’s screen’s inability to stay free of finger blemishes. The primary plaintiff is one Smudgy McSmudgman, a Trenton, New Jersey businessman.

“According to my client,” said lawyer Greg Delacorte, “his iPhone is practically unreadable, as it is covered in a layer of crusty fingerprints.”

Delacorte did allow that McSmudgman does have particularly porous fingers and a penchant for eating sticky sweets while reading the Sunday newspaper.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” Delacorte said, “but the court documents are also a mess.”

“We’re confident that we will prevail in court,” said Apple general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Our sources indicate that McSmudgman is incapable of refraining from noisily eating fudge with his bare hands in the courtroom. That won’t look good in front of a jury.”

Apple stock went down, then up, then down and then up again on the news.

30 OctTidBITS Agenda Revealed.

As exciting as the Leopard roll-out has been, it has also been revealing. The writing of several so-called “journalists” has revealed them to be willing tools of various nefarious forces.

Most disappointing of all is the venerable Mac publication TidBITS which has been shown by clever readers to be in league with pro-one world government organizations.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has prepared the following graphical depiction of how TidBITS fits into the global conspiracy.

As you can clearly see, TidBITS is the key propaganda arm of the One World Government forces which send their black helicopter brigades to extract the precious bodily fluids from Mac users which they then give to their Emperor Gallagher.

As difficult as it is to fathom, TidBITS has also been caught supporting Microsoft, absurdly claiming that Apple took technology cues from features that are in Vista.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ab-surd.

Microsoft, as everyone knows, is in league with Satan who is worshipped by Al Gore who works in support of One World Government forces who gave him the Nobel Prize.

The circle is closed.

Also, one of Satan’s key operatives on Earth is killer beavers.

When contacted, TidBITS attempted to deny the truth, of course.

“The idea that TidBITS is affiliated with one world government forces is absurd,” said Jeff Carlson. “We do, of course, have tremendous respect for Brother Al because, well, Adam [Engst] is a communist.

“I think that’s fairly obvious. But that doesn’t mean he wants one world government. He wants lots of small communist governments.

“And it’s just Glenn [Fleishman] who really likes Microsoft so much.”

29 OctLeopard Review.

Rejoice Comrades! Chairman Steve has won yet another stunning victory over the forces of the unwashed, styleless masses of the bourgeois technology industry!

Leopard, a work of technological art and might wrought by Chairman Steve with his very own hands from ones and zeros, revolutionizes the desktop much in the way Chairman Steve has revolutionized the hearts and minds of both the technological intelligentsia and proletariate. It throws off the shackles of the capitalist Redmond robber barons and frankly just makes Linux look like ass.

It also has a really cool startup video and does something with FSEvents I don’t really understand.

All errors encountered during upgrading to Leopard have been revealed to be the work of running-dog third party developers! Their system extensions are clearly immoral and have been implemented in a counterrevolutionary manner.

Several imperialist patsies have attempted to besmirch this great work in a vain attempt to boost their pathetic careers while selling out those who actually contribute to society.

But never fear! Chairman Steve’s glorious revolution continues unabated! They shall burn in the fires of change! Their shorts shall ride up in a wedgie of enormous magnitude! All shall be enlightened by Chairman Steve’s clarity of vision and the virility of his execution!

Long live Chairman Steve and his glorious work, Leopard!

Four stars out of five.

25 OctSpecial Thursday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk Leopard Special! Special!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But tomorrow we’re going to be off gettin’ our Leopard on and so are you so, you know, we’ll just see you there. But today we’re giving you the skinny on Apple’s new OS!
________________

Q: Oh, man, I am so stoked about Leopard! Yeah!

A: Yeah. It’s gonna be a nice upgrade.

Q: Nice?! Dude, it’s so gonna rock! Do you know the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home with it?

A: Install it?

Q: No! I’m gonna sit on it!

A: Um… what?

Q: Yeah! I’m going to take the disk out of the box and I’m gonna sit on it until the circle of the DVD is imprinted on my ass!

A: Why… the hell would you do that?

Q: Then I’d be the dude with Leopard on his ass!

A: But it’d just wear off in like five minutes.

Q: Ah, but what a glorious five minutes!

A: You’re… odd.

Q: Yeah, just you wait. Come Saturday everybody’s gonna be talking about the dude with Leopard imprinted on his ass. Make that Zune tattoo guy look like a simp.

A: He already looks like a simp.

Q: Well… more of one.
________________

Q: My question is more of a tactical one about the best way to get my hands on Leopard.

A: Shoot.

Q: Is it OK to knock old ladies over in the mad rush to get in the Apple Store door?

A:

Q: Well, OK, tactical and moral.

A: Old ladies? No. It’s never OK to knock over old ladies. Well… it would have been OK at the iPhone release but… missed opportunities and whatnot.

Q: Oh. What about teenagers?

A: Oh, totally. Frankly, you can shove them to the ground any time.

Q: That’s what I thought. OK, pre-teens?

A: Mmm, that’s a gray area. You’re gonna have to call an audible on that one, my friend. Just use your best judgement.

Q: Paraplegic?

A: Um, no.

Q: Man! This is hard! You’d think Apple would publish some kind of chart or something.

A: Right. They should totally do that.
________________

Q: I have a question about backing up my Mac before I install Leopard.

A: What?!

Q: Um, well, I was wondering what the easiest way to back my Mac up…

A: Ha-ha! What a wuss!

Q: “Wuss”? Does anyone even say that anymore?

A: Only when there’s a major-league wuss around!

Q: Hey, backing up is a very important step…

A: I’m sorry, Jennifer…

Q: It’s Lewis.

A: …if you want to copy your pwecious data onto some fricking floppies or something, that’s your business. Heh-heh. “Backup”.

Q: You’re not a very good Help Desk guy.

A: Oh, please, like I’m worried about your opinion you great big pansy. Just man up and fire up that upgrade, nnkay?

24 OctApple Releases Vintage OS Collection.

In the run-up to Leopard’s release, Apple announced today that it is releasing a 9-DVD collection of the company’s greatest operating system hits.

CEO Steve Jobs said “Yes, they’re all there! Tiger, Puma, OS 7.5, System Software 6.0.2, all those wonderful operating systems of yesteryear!”

Appearing from behind a curtain, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “That’s right, Steve! You get Jaguar, OS 8.6, System 7.1.1 and even System Software 6.0.6, which was only previously only released as an embedded part of the ROM of the Macintosh Classic!

“And, of course, who can forget System 7.1 Pro?”

The Apple Vintage Operating System Collection contains these hauntingly familiar OSes:

A/UX
Apple DOS
Apple GS/OS
Apple Lisa
Apple ProDOS
System 1.0, Finder 1.0
System 1.1, Finder 1.1g
System 2.0, Finder 4.1
System 2.1, Finder 5.0
System 3.0, Finder 5.1
System 3.2, Finder 5.3
System 3.3, Finder 5.4
System 3.4, Finder 6.1
System 4.0, Finder 5.4
System 4.1, Finder 5.5
System Software 5.0
System Software 5.1
System Software 6.0
System Software 6.0.1 (includes drum solo by Neil Peart)
System Software 6.0.2
System Software 6.0.3
System Software 6.0.4
System Software 6.0.5
System Software 6.0.6
System Software 6.0.7
System Software 6.0.8
System Software 6.0.8L
System 7.0
System 7.0.1
System 7 Tuner
System 7.1
System 7.1 Pro
System 7.1.2
System 7.1.2
System 7.5
System 7.5.1
System 7.5.2
System 7.5.3
System 7.5.3L (not included because of licensing conflicts)
System 7.5.3 Revision 2
System 7.5.3 Revision 2.1
System 7.5.4 (not previously released on floppy disk, CD or DVD!)
System 7.5.5
Mac OS 7.6
Mac OS 7.6.1
System 7.0.1P
System 7.1P1
System 7.1P2
System 7.1P3
System 7.1P4
System 7.1P5
System 7.1P6
Mac OS 8.0
Mac OS 8.1
Mac OS 8.5 (guaranteed to rawk your sawks and crash your system!)
Mac OS 8.5.1
Mac OS 8.6
Mac OS 9.0
Mac OS 9.0.2
Mac OS 9.0.3
Mac OS 9.0.4
Mac OS 9.1
Mac OS 9.2
Mac OS 9.2.1
Mac OS 9.2.2
Mac OS X 10.0 (Cheetah)
Mac OS X 10.1 (Puma)
Mac OS X 10.2 (Jaguar)
Mac OS X 10.3 (Panther)
Mac OS X 10.4 (Tiger)

“But don’t answer yet!” Jobs shouted. “If you act now, I’ll throw in a special bonus DVD with all the NeXT operating system releases! Whatever those were! Frankly, I can’t for the life of me remember!”

“Well, hoooold on a minute, Steve!” Schiller said. “Because I’ve got a box of 5 and 1/4 inch floppies with, uh, I dunno… maybe some Apple II crap on it. Hard to tell. But I’ll throw these in absolutely free!

“Phil,” Jobs said, “You’re craaaaaaazy!

Apple then asked how much you’d expect to pay for a fabulous collection of operating systems such as this. $300? $400? $500?

“Well, how about $79.99!” Jobs hollered, now standing about three inches from reporters’ faces.

Reporters nodded mutely to indicate their agreement that this indeed would be a good deal.

The offer will be made exclusively on late-night TV through the fine people at Sessions.