Canada Buys Apple.

In a stunning conclusion to years of wild, unsubstantiated speculation about various firms possibly buying Apple, the firm was bought late today buy the nation of Canada.

According to sources, the weakening of the U.S. dollar against the Canadian dollar finally drove the purchasing power of the lower 50’s frigid and drunken stepsister to the north high enough to make the buyout attractive.

“We’re pleased to announce that Apple is now owned by the people of Canada,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We figured we were going to buy a mess of iPods anyway, so why not just buy Apple? We also bought a couple of jars of barbecue sauce and reacquired Wayne Gretzky.”

According to Harper, Canada has had its eye on Apple for several years now, viewing acquisition as its only recourse to what it perceives as numerous slights inflicted by the company.

“We got the iTunes Store after almost every other industrialized nation,” Harper noted. “I actually think Burkina Faso got their iTunes Store before we did. And then they were going to shaft us on the iPhone? Well, I believe that’s enough using of our toothbrush, thank you very much, Mr. Jobs.”

It’s unknown exactly what this means for Jobs, but it seems likely that he will not be comfortable working for 33 million Mountie humpers. Further, it seems logical to conclude that once Jobs steps down, the most likely choice for a replacement as CEO would be Canada’s native son, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller.

It is known that the company will be rebranded “Maple”, as apple trees cannot grow in Canada’s frozen tundra.

50 thoughts on “Canada Buys Apple.”

  1. As a bona fide Canadian, I should be offended at being called a “Mountie humper”.

    But I’m too polite to be offended.

    Even miffed is too strong.

  2. You can’t be offended, because it’s too damn funny!

    Oddly enough, I’m using MY toothbrush right now, and no, you can’t borrow it. I mean, my fiancée doesn’t even get that kind of trust, so why the hell should some mangy canadian…. Oh that’s right. We were trying to be polite… ;-).

  3. Right Moltz, you’ve just upset the whole British Commonwealth of Nations.
    We are annoyed and even your Protection Contracts with The Mob and Blackstone cannot save you from the sentence passed on you, Ninety Days public Morris Dancing.

  4. 33 million Mountie Humpers.

    That is the single most funniest thing I have read in a long time.
    A VERY long time.

    Thank you, John!
    Just watch out for the Ret. Col.
    He may not be too keen on that.

  5. I hear the Canadians will also change the current ‘green apple’ flavor that the iPhone has when you lick it to a nice smooth maple flavor. Mmmmm. Sounds delicious.

  6. Crap. So does this mean that we’re going to have to talk “aboot” Apple, er Maple now? I can never manage that funny Canadian accent. It is a love/hate thing with me and Canadia.

  7. Nxxx, “Ninety Days public Morris Dancing”? Don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh? Few can endure that kind of torture. Public flailing might be easier to deal with.

  8. Q: What do you call an un-armed North American who has health insurance?

    A: Part owner of Maple!

    Parenthetically, I assume our fearless leader will change his name to John Molson?

  9. Oooh, naming conflict! Waterloo Maple, a company based in Waterloo, Ontario, offers a mathematical programming langauge called Maple, and are now planning to sue Apple, er, Maple for name infringment.

    Waterloo Maple’s world-wide head of marketing Shill Filler was quoted as saying “We’re suing cos its a sin that they would plot this kind derivation of our integral identity. Y, we will tan their hides!”

    However, unnamed analysts for Paper-Jiffy dismissed the remarks as functionally incoherent.

  10. It’s true that ‘Mountie humpers’ has certainly made my day (that’s ‘has’, not ‘have’, by the way – don’t want anyone getting ideas…), but also particularly enjoyed ‘frozen tundra’ in a ‘best use of the term ‘tundra’ since geography O-level’ kind of way.

    Clearly Moltz’s little snooze the other day has left him re-invigorated.

  11. Is that what you call what Moltz has been doing with the sheep lately. “Re-invigorated”. I guess that’s as good a word as any besides maybe “Disgusting”.

  12. I’ve heard Jobs is trying to engineer a reverse takeover.

    Canada (soon to be Applada) will be the perfect country to rebrand. After all, we’re covered in white most of the year anyway.

  13. Nice try, Moltz. You just had to one-up my suggestions, didn’t you? Apple buys Dell not good enough for you, huh? Just like the “5th Ave Apple store construction site == iKaaba” wasn’t good enough for you. That does it, Moltz, I’ve had it with you and your selfish showboating. I’m done being just another one of your little sidekicks, Moltz. Your little ‘X-Men’. I’m off. Gone. History. I’m going to start my own Crazy Apple Rumor Site.

    That’s right. It’ll be mine. I’ll buy my own web hosting, and my own WordPress account. I’ll buy my own domain name, too. I’ll build my own weblog, designed by me, myself, a genius. It’ll be impervious to UhhhDude-style writing-outside-them-there-margins attacks. I’ll hire out The Entity from right under your nose as a field journalist. I’ll use numerology and quantifiable metaphysics to accurately calculate Apple’s future stock trends using wind speeds and bird migrations. Then, when I’ve gained enough attention, traction, and reputation, I’ll crush you with derisive rumors and character assassination. I’ll write stories that get you banned from Apple conventions, that strip you of the noble title “Journalist”, that’ll make you a household name inspiring disgust, mockery, anger. Then, when the world comes pounding at your door with pitchforks and flaming torches, I will be the one who stands amidst the crowd and cries, “Friends! Countrymen! Would we not be monsters ourselves that we would sink so low to hang, draw, and quarter another living being? Would drag ourselves down to the level of this vile beast whose only true crime is being forced into a world that doesn’t understand, that cannot appreciate or sympathize with his sickness?” And then–as the crowd dabs its eyes with its handkerchiefs and sleeves–you will be forced to notice me, Moltz, forced to acknowledge my presence, forced to honor and respect me. As I explain that you are a mysterious creature shipwrecked from another planet who doesn’t understand the ways of humanity and was merely trying to fit in, you will be forced to pay me homage, to erect a statue on your lawn and worship me through its gilt frame.

    Actually, all this is starting to sound like a lot of work.

    Ok, new plan: I won’t do all that stuff. Instead, I’ll say this: you jerk.

    (Ok, I forgive you, though.)

  14. Do Canadians get all the “perks” that come to Apple employees now, because we own the company? If so, put my name on the list for the pony…or maybe the soon to be unveiled iCan (nee iPod) Touch (complete with beer-can shape, and maple flavour).

  15. I was trying to understand what Canadians would possibly do with barbeque sauce. It was driving me mad until I re-read the bit about, “Well, I believe that’s enough using of our toothbrush, thank you very much, Mr. Jobs.”

    Then it came to me in a flash: toothpaste! They’re tired of that maple-flavoured stuff and are ready for a change!

    Kind of disgusting really.

    Hopefully the sexbot project will be moved ahead, though–what with those cold winter nights and all.

  16. Welcome to Canada, home of Apple. by the way you’ll need to pay in Canadian money so lose that devalued green stuff and get some colourful (that’s how it’s spelled in the new Appleland) money to buy your new icePod and icePhone or iceMac. Because looking out the window right now, that’s what out there. Ice. Well since it’s frozen six months of the year up here, maybe the sexbot project will finally get back on track. As for Mountie humping, never seen it but it must be better than being broomhandled by the Governator or whatever you call the big giant head in Sacramento.

    Good day eh!

  17. Okay, enough! That last crack was too much. We not only grow apples, we invented the McIntosh apple (its correct spelling), so Jobs should like it up here fine.

    And yeah, the sexbot project just got put on the fast track.

  18. You bunch of morons you truly feel like Americans own the g**&^&world, well come and visit and stop being so ignorant, theres more to life than your guns toting bible belched white clan red neck and Bush alike, here in old Canada, like maple syrup, Celine Dion, Shayna Twain, little Mosque on the Prairies, Corner gas, The place called Quebec where all is mostly French and poutine, and dumb ass like Steven Harper also know as Mini me of BUSH, so get your parka on and your snowmobile running and come an see how DUMB we are now that your soaring dollars is less than 92cents Canadian its pay back time, ego check baby

  19. Are you aware of the fact (truly) that McIntosh Apples were discovered in Ontario?

    What a coincidence!

    From Wikipedia:

    Every McIntosh apple has a direct lineage to a single tree discovered in 1811 by John McIntosh on his farm in Dundela, a hamlet located in Dundas County in the Canadian province of Ontario, near Morrisburg.

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