Canada Buys Apple.

In a stunning conclusion to years of wild, unsubstantiated speculation about various firms possibly buying Apple, the firm was bought late today buy the nation of Canada.

According to sources, the weakening of the U.S. dollar against the Canadian dollar finally drove the purchasing power of the lower 50’s frigid and drunken stepsister to the north high enough to make the buyout attractive.

“We’re pleased to announce that Apple is now owned by the people of Canada,” said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We figured we were going to buy a mess of iPods anyway, so why not just buy Apple? We also bought a couple of jars of barbecue sauce and reacquired Wayne Gretzky.”

According to Harper, Canada has had its eye on Apple for several years now, viewing acquisition as its only recourse to what it perceives as numerous slights inflicted by the company.

“We got the iTunes Store after almost every other industrialized nation,” Harper noted. “I actually think Burkina Faso got their iTunes Store before we did. And then they were going to shaft us on the iPhone? Well, I believe that’s enough using of our toothbrush, thank you very much, Mr. Jobs.”

It’s unknown exactly what this means for Jobs, but it seems likely that he will not be comfortable working for 33 million Mountie humpers. Further, it seems logical to conclude that once Jobs steps down, the most likely choice for a replacement as CEO would be Canada’s native son, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller.

It is known that the company will be rebranded “Maple”, as apple trees cannot grow in Canada’s frozen tundra.

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