28 Mar 15Hairplay

You know how dour Jony Ive’s always been in his picture on the Apple executives page? Well, I finally figured out how to put a smile on his face.

A crappy Photoshop job? Well, yeah, OK, yes. But what’s really making Jony happy in this picture is this: I gave him Craig Federighi’s hair. I mean, that would make any guy happy. (With the possible exception of Chris Breen.)

Check it out.

Because I'm Happy

So happy! Strangely, bizarrely happy. Unnaturally happy. But, regardless, he’s finally happy. This has been bugging me for years. Now I just need to get someone at Apple to upload that to the page. I don’t expect any trouble with that.

I know what you’re saying, though. “What about Federighi?! You can’t take away hair like that!” Relax. Don’t worry. I’ve got him covered. I gave him Angela Ahrendts’ hair.

Feeling bromantic

See? No problem.

The only problem is, uh, I haven’t figure out what to do about Ahrendts.

I’m thinking about buying her a hat.

142 Responses to “Hairplay”

  1. Gupta Feldstein of Outsorceistan says:

    Easy, give Angela John Moltz’s hair!

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Angela could use a tattoo or two.

    Second!

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Give Bob a bob!

  4. Brother Mugga says:

    Surely . . . give Angela Jony Ive’s’ hair?

    It’s like that Lion King song, ‘The Follicle of Life’.

    [Which is funnier if you say it in a broid Broinx accent. Just like ‘No Luke, I am your father’. Or reading ‘The Waste Land’.]

  5. Anonymous says:

    First

  6. Anonymous says:

    Second

  7. Anonymous says:

    Third

  8. Office Security Camera says:

    Now that the other bits aren’t distracting me, I realize that Jony’s nose needs a little work, too. Who knew?!

  9. Ballookey says:

    This is why I don’t give up on RSS and this is why I never give up on CARS.

  10. Brother Mugga says:

    Hang on . . . you mean there’s *another way*, rather than just loading up CARS every time you fire up Safari, then sighing despondently when confronted with the same page as the preceding six months.

    Who knew?

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    Yes–who knew? And when did they know it?

    Enquiring minds want to know, or so I’ve heard. Most of the minds I run across seem to think they already have all the answers, and I’m too polite and humble to challenge them.

  12. Brother Mugga says:

    Wise words, Ace. This is where years of contributing to the Mega-Post will get you.

  13. Buthidae says:

    Well, it’s clear who wears the Pants™ in that Executive relationship.

    Do we need to get HR involved?

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    BroMu,

    In regard to the Mega-Post, I note that it is no longer accessible at this site. I had the foresight (or so it seems in retrospect) to copy the entire thing years ago before it disappeared. The first page of my file appears thus:

    “AUTHOR: CARS Staff
    TITLE: We’re off next week
    STATUS: Publish
    ALLOW COMMENTS: 2
    CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
    ALLOW PINGS: 0
    PRIMARY CATEGORY: CARS
    CATEGORY: CARS

    DATE: 04/30/2004 11:38:55 AM
    —–
    BODY:

    —–
    EXTENDED BODY:
    But we’ll leave this thread open for you to talk amongst yourselves. Please take this as an opportunity to bond with your fellow Mac users.

    Jeez, this place is going to be on fire when we come back, isn’t it.
    —–
    EXCERPT:
    Nothing next week.
    —–
    KEYWORDS:”

    That was the actual post, and it is followed by 3941 comments, which I will not include in this comment due to lack of space. Someday I may publish it in book form, in the interests of anthropology. Until then, we still have the Giga-Post (http://crazyapplerumors.com/2005/09/09/the-mega-post-is-dead/?cp=all) with which to meddle.

  15. SSteve says:

    Are you sure that’s Federighi? Looks more like Scott Bakula.

  16. Brother Mugga says:

    Ace . . . I am in *awe* of you.

    Now you clearly need to do the same thing with the Giga-Post, lest it also gets taken down for some unknown reason.*

    * Such as our ongoing pisstakery of Our Risen Lord Moltz (certainly I assume he gets up of a morning . . . although given his quite flagrant skiving here . . .).

  17. Steve G. says:

    BroMu,

    Thou art making Lord Moltz sound like a loaf of bread.

  18. Ace Deuce says:

    In 2008, in addition to copying the text of the Mega-Post, I saved as web archives the following similar posts: Giga-Post, Tera-Post, Peta-Post, Hiatal-Post, Final Post, and Post of Doom.

    The names I use aren’t the offical names–for example, what I call the Hiatal-Post has the heading “Hiatus? They *loved* us!”

    Most of these have changed little in the seven years since I saved them, with the exception of the Giga-Post, which at the time boasted 2839 comments, and now stands at 6780. Gee, I suppose it’s due for archiving again–any volunteers?

  19. Steve G. says:

    But who archives the archivers?

  20. The Doctor says:

    But… What is Phil Schiller going to do without a mouth?

  21. Lachlan says:

    Moltz, I think you should reflect on all the life choices that lead to you making this post.

    Because they must have been a totally awesome set of choices!

  22. Sue says:

    Well, will wonders never cease?

  23. Alan Trid Real Estate

    Crazy Apple Rumors Site » Blog Archive » Hairplay

  24. Wiseman & Burke

    Crazy Apple Rumors Site » Blog Archive » Hairplay

  25. Steve G. says:

    Yes, Sue, they will cease. But not just yet; at least, not with this particular comment.

  26. Sue says:

    Well that brings up an interesting point. When this site finally ceases, who will have the last comment?

  27. Brother Mugga says:

    DEATH.

    Unless Mr P is tying him up in an eternal game of chess.

  28. DEATH says:

    I always have time for CARS.

  29. Ace Deuce says:

    Sue, you’re scaring me with the “cease” mention. I have a sentimental attachment to CARS, and beg you all to abstain from ceasing until I have followed Sir Terry and DEATH to the eternal dark desert. On my deathbed I will let you know when I have posted my last comment (via my last comment). Afterward you have my leave to turn off the lights, shut the place down, and send the final rent check to Moltz. Thanks!

    I also have a sentimental attachment to chocolate–semisweet, dark. No pressure…

  30. Brother Mugga says:

    That stuff’ll kill you, Ace.

  31. PonyRD says:

    Smile

    (no photoshop)

  32. J0n says:

    Hi all, I missed you! I should’ve checked on how CARS is doing sooner.

  33. Brother Mugga says:

    That’s to your credit, my friend: the sign of a healthy mind.

    Or indeed, a mind.

    • Office Security Camera says:

      Rent?! He’s charging RENT?! Who knew?

      Oh, wait… I did. Never mind.

      Unfortunately, I’m terribly in arrears. In fact, I’m up to my ears in arrears.

  34. Ace Deuce says:

    The great sage once said “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” or “a waist is a terrible thing to mind.”

    Not sure which is more true…

  35. Steve G. says:

    Uh-oh. Based on the time stamps of OSC’s and Ace’s posts and the improper display order, we appear to be experiencing a disturbance in the time-space continuum.

    Is The Entity coming back?

    Or are our Cousins effing around with one of them “Tardis” thingies? (Which I never really grokked anyway.)

  36. Ace Deuce says:

    Remember, Steve: Time is relative.

    No, that’s not right. Time is absolute. It’s Tim that is a relative. Uncle, I think.

  37. Brother Mugga says:

    Eddy’s in the time continuum.

    I think he might be the Entity’s cousin.

    Although I’m not absolutely sure.

  38. Sara Lins says:

    Give the hair Angela!

  39. Duarte says:

    WOW.. give Angela John Moltz’s hair…

  40. Michael U says:

    It hurts!

  41. Agar Afile says:

    wow functional app thanks for the post

  42. Paôla says:

    give Angela John Moltz’s hair… yeah yeah

  43. Mariih says:

    wooooow was perfect kk

  44. Tina says:

    I dont have hair, but I loved yours!

  45. Maria says:

    It’s unbelievable, but I believe!

  46. Maria Clara says:

    It was really unbelievable!!

  47. Valdes says:

    Thank for share!

  48. lucia says:

    I love these rumors 😀

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