Apple identifies cause of MacBook keyboard problems

Ahead of tomorrow’s iPhone event, Apple has issued a blog post in which it attempts to lay to rest the controversy over keyboard woes associated with its MacBook line.

Much like its recent response to Google over the company’s release of details regarding an exploit of iOS, Apple has a pointed response to those who have complained about MacBook keyboards.

After months of research into complaints about butterfly keyboards on the 2016-2019 MacBook Pro and 2018 and 2019 MacBook Air, we have reached a conclusion. Complaints can uniformly be traced back to a single cause: excessive nose-picking by the user as they used the device.

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio was unequivocal.

“We investigated each and every case where a complaint was filed about MacBook keyboards and found that in each one the user was a dirty nose-picker.”

According Riccio, dried or wet mucus material falling from the noses of these filthy users would become lodged under the keys creating a viscous material that rendered keys inoperative. Riccio stressed the scientific rigor with which Apple approached the issue.

“We really did a deep dive. Much like the deep nasal diving these disgusting people were doing while leaning over their keyboards.”

Apple declined to release the data behind its findings, but Riccio said it was eye-opening for him.

“Some of the nose-picking was because of a condition but so much of it was simply recreational. There was just a ludicrous amount of nose-picking going on. Some users were even picking each nostril with both hands at the same time. They weren’t even typing. One guy was picking the left nostril with his right hand and his right nostril with his left hand. I didn’t even know that was possible.

“I mean, I don’t have to do my own nose-picking, of course. I have a guy. But, still.”

Riccio shook his head grimly.

“Savages. Just savages.”

Noted butterfly keyboard hater Marco Arment shot back at Apple.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t picked my nose since 1992,” Arment said. “And yet every butterfly MacBook keyboard I’ve used has exploded on contact. Explain that.”

This argument may soon be moot as Apple is widely expected to be replacing the butterfly mechanism in the next generation of MacBooks. Sources close to Apple’s laptop engineering team tell CARS that Apple next-generation keyboard will feature a tantalizing new key mechanism known as “fairy wings”.

14 thoughts on “Apple identifies cause of MacBook keyboard problems”

  1. To be honest, it’s a fair cop.

    I mean, I don’t actually have a mac with a butterfly keyboard personally. But I fear my hooter-husbandry may be sufficiently vigorous to have detritied (totally a word) keyboards in a considerable radius.

    Fifth.

    As in, I plead the.

    Which I’m sure must apply to Brits.

  2. And yet, how quickly they flee. They stay long enough to snag their position in the comments, and disappear back into the aether.

  3. My Pants™ would like to know what crazed sorcery caused this time-travelling feed to appear in my RSS reader after many dormant years. Moltz, are you even a real Doctor?

  4. Last! (Probably)

    Well, that was quite a ride. Nice seeing everybody. Drop by the Giga-Post if you miss futile commenting!

  5. Yes. Nice to see some familiar faces again. Come over to the Giga-Post. The water’s tepid. And more than a little scummy.

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