Due to a scheduling snafu, there will be no story today.
Sadly, yesterday’s story was actually supposed to run today and yesterday we were supposed to have all three parts of our five-part exposé on… uh… Exposé.
Next Tuesday’s story on guys at Apple with man-breasts was to have run on Thursday, but Tuesday’s story was actually ripped into small pieces by an enraged Avie Tevanian. The funny thing is, it wasn’t even about him. It was about someone completely different named Avis The Raynian. We deny any accusations that it was secretly about Avie.
That story – the one secretly about Avie – is actually scheduled to run in March and will be entitled “Artie Smelvanian, His Magical Water Pipe, Thirteen Stewardesses and Seven Days In A Tennessee Correctional Facility.”
Our award-winning series on home-schooling your children using nothing but Apple software manuals from the early 1990s, a picture of Chairman Mao Zedong and a stick of butter continues next week when Mao says “Capitalist running dogs will succumb to the revolutionary LC II, which brings affordable computing power to the farmers of the world!” Mao’s hi-larious sidekick Jojo the Monkey Boy will then deliver his patented catch-phrase “And how!” while mugging to the camera.
Sadly, due to budget constraints, we have been forced to cancel our in-depth analysis of the moles on Apple Chief Financial Officer Peter Oppenheimer. We hope to be able to fund this in the next fiscal year or when we take our empty bottles back for the deposit. I know a lot of people were really looking forward to that so I promise we’ll make it up to you.
I’m thinking of maybe an all-day event where you get to shave a section of Steve Wozniak’s back for a dollar. Something like that.
Maybe kiss Jef Raskin full on the lips. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud.
In a hopefully unrelated note, Howard’s photo shoot on “Things at crotch level in the Apple campus” will make its triumphant return shortly after the World Series, which will feature the Yankees and the Cardinals.
Apple has asked that all Danika Cleary fans please move three feet to the left as you’re blocking the sweeping view of the elk preserve.
And, finally, we’d like to announce that the lunch special in the CARS cafeteria tomorrow will be grilled cheese, a cup of tomato soup and a small soda.
That is all.