Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an 867 MHz Titanium PowerBook which currently does pretty much everything I want it to do. Well… yeah. I guess. I mean, there are some things I wish it would do that it doesn’t. You know, like the one I’m calling about. See, it’s a good machine, but it could be better of course. I don’t mean to dis it, but…
A: Look, you know, I’m really in kind of a rush today. Presents to buy. Tree to trim. You know. So, if you could get to the point…
Q: Oh. Well, see, there are some things coming out these days that have pretty high requirements. Like… um… games. I guess. I bet there are some new games I can’t play on it. I don’t know of any because I don’t play games. I do do some development work, though. Heh. “Do do.” Heh-heh.
A: Dude! The point?
Q: I’m getting there. Sheesh. See, there is a prodigious curve to the life cycle of any technology purchase. The question becomes, where is the “sweet spot” on the curve where I, as a technology user, should decide to upgrade and… Wait a minute. You know, I just realized my issue really isn’t with the PowerBook at all.
A: What?!
Q: No, it’s the holidays. It’s the emptiness you’re left with when you realize that another year of reckless consumer avarice and false displays of affection through the showering of others with gifts has not made you any happier, it’s just pointed out how much a lie your life has become.
A: Oh, yeah. I got that.
Q: So, what do I do? When the holidays have come and gone and I’m left alone with the empty husk afforded to me by a bleak and cruel world?
A: You’re deep, Ernie. But, why don’t you just do what everyone else does? Fill it up with liquor.
Q: Oh. Hmm. I suppose I could fill it up with liquor.
A: Yeah. Ernie, do we really have to do this every year?
Q: Well… yes.

Q: Hey, look, I know you’re in a hurry so I’ll be quick.
A: Oh, great. I’d really appreciate that.
Q: I just need to know how to adjust the strength of the quantization in Logic Pro so I can get things close to the beat but not robotic.
A: …
Q: How do I do that?
A: …
Q: Um…
A: You made that up, didn’t you.
Q: No. No. That’s a real question. I… thought you’d know.
A: Well, I don’t. I don’t know. I’m a failure. Are you happy? Happy to point that out at this time of year?
Q: Hmm. No. See, I didn’t plan for it to be a trick question but then it was and I thought for a minute that your failure might bring me happiness but… no.

Q: Uh…
A: What?
Q: Um… how… do you… reboot?
A: That’s your question?
Q: I just… thought an easy one would…
A: That’s it. I’m outta here.
Q: Hmm. Well, OK, I guess there wasn’t really a right question there. Um… hello? Huh. Looks like he left.


You know, I don’t really know how to turn this thing off.

Uh… helloooooo?

Little help?

26 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. 1) Yes


    Christmas comes alive

    In the sweet eyes of a child

    Not yet bored with life.

    Take that you liquor sotted, socially starved, relationship impaired, Christmas scrooges. The answer isn’t more booze. Get a life.

  2. You’re right I hate whiners. It’s all about watching little Johnny come down from a pleasant night’s slumber, and scurry to the tree to gorge himself on consumerism, and the enslavement of third world children to build all those wondrous things.

    oh yeah and sexbots………lots and lots of sexbots.

  3. Surely the whole point of quantisation is that it takes it to the nearest whatever, so it’s wither robotic or non-existent. I suppose you could try quantising to the nearest 128th note or something (or semihemidemisemi-quaver for those brits amongst us) but that’s still effectively precise quantisation, even if to a very short value. Still, I ditched Logic with version 5 when they stiffed me trying to get huge amounts of money out of me for an upgrade I didn’t need that included lots of new audio features which again I didn’t need, so what do I know….

    What do you mean it wasn’t a genuine question? You mean this isn’t the Geeky Musicians Anonymous site?

    oh crap.

  4. Dear CARS Answer Man,

    The holidays can be a tough time to get through especially when you try and measure yourself up to being perfect. I used to expect myself to be perfect and when I wasn’t I ate my anger until I weighed more than 300 pounds! I was an over-eater and if I could help myself I can help you.

    So, just walk over to that mirror. Look yourself in the eyeand say:

    “Hello CARS Answer Man. I don’t have to be a great Answer Man. I don’t have to know the solution to every Mac problem people call me with. All I have to do is be the best Answer Man I can be.”

    Because, I’m good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

    There, don’t you feel better? Happy Holidays!

  5. I have a question.

    What would Jesus do…

    …about deciding between an iPod and an iPod photo?

    I mean, what’s the point in being omniscient if you can’t sort that kind of thing out, eh?

    Although, I guess if you’re omnipresent *too*, then you wouldn’t really need music *or* photos ‘to go’ (as it were) . . . you know, what with being everywhere anyway and all that jazz.


    Well, that’s my Christmas pondering sorted.

    God bless us, every one.

    (Ideally fiscally, but I’ll take returnable gifts.)




  7. Oh and last caller, in order to turn your machine off print up the picture that you get when you click on my name. Show it to your computer. I guarantee your computer will be turned off.

  8. Wow, when will you people stop espousing the megapost. No one wants to hear about it! (Well, those lifeless losers who do already know about it – what, there’s like three of you, right?).

    And could you people come up with better comments then somehow trying to drag demon gods or sexbots into the picture? I mean really!

    For example, not one person here has noticed that Ernie in question one was named without identifying him/herself. How did the answer desk know it was Ernie? It makes one wonder whether or not the ‘fix is in’, so to speak. Maybe these aren’t really people with problems. Maybe its just some friend of Chet’s (wait, I know, it implies Chet has friends, but this is hypothetical at this point) who’s calling in with these so-called ‘questions’ just so the answer desk can use them to espouse their manifesto du jour.

    I’m on to you, Moltz!

  9. In answer to your first question … NEVER

    Second.. We could, but what’s the point. People only want to hear about the sexbots.

    Third I’m assuming caller ID.

  10. Hey Louzer.

    Do you happen to be related to “I hate whiners”?

    It seems that you might have some holiday stress.

    May I suggest that you have a nice cup of cocoa, and try to relax a little.

  11. Del…words fail me. My computer, myself, any person of moderate good taste,(which apparently leaves out most Windows users,) …turned off doesn’t approach the revulsion…

    And he is a top company officer in the biggest (and arguably most important) software company in the world??!

  12. Thanks for the love Streetrabbit.

    I’ve been monitoring the mega-post, but I’m too afraid to post.

    I mean sooooooo much history. I’ve been coming to CARS for awhile, and I’ve posted before. But, never to something so illustrious as the Mega-Post.

  13. hiya, i bought my niece a apple powerbook g3 333mhz.

    it came with a 30 gig hard drive partitioned into 4. is there any way i can get it back? it claims there is software missing so i can’t do it? what can i do!!!! arghhhhh!!!!

    thank you.

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