Month: March 2006

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Mac mini with a SuperDrive and I want to be able to copy DVDs that I rent at the store so I can have them around… um… for the kiddies. I know it can be done, but I tried to ask how to do this on Apple’s support boards and all I got was a long ride on the waaaaaaambulance about how it’s illegal or something. Some crap like that. Stupid crap. So, how do I copy DVDs?
A: Copying DVDs is illegal and Crazy Apple Rumors Site and its parent company Giant Squid Productions do not condone, sanction or participate in the practice.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: We do however offer a pamphlet entitled “How To Copy DVDs – Or ‘How I Stopped Worrying About DRM And Learned To Love Sticking It To The Man.'”
Q: I’ll take ten.

Q: I recently bought a Mac mini and a video iPod…
A: Not a true video iPod. That won’t be out until…
Q: Stop it.
A: Sorry. Rumor writer tick.
Q: Anyway, when I went to load up iTunes and rip some songs, I actually read the EULA and… well… I don’t know, maybe everyone else knows this but me, but is Steve Jobs really allowed to come into my house while I’m asleep and suck vital fluids from my brain using a fleshy proboscis that he normally keeps retracted inside his cheek?
A: Oh, sure. That’s standard. Well… standard taking into account Steve’s particular genetic mutation. But you should read the EULA for the Windows version of Microsoft Office. There’s some scary shit in there. Human sacrifice kinda scary.
Q: Well, I know. That’s was why I decided to switch to the Mac. Hmm. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Linux.
A: Ha! Go ahead! Enjoy your quarterly game of nude Twister with Linus Torvalds!
Q: You’re making that up.
A: Am not! Section 14.3 of the GNU GPL!
Q: The hell?! What is with this industry?!

Q: I’m working on an aging G3 PowerBook running OS 9. I know, I know, it’s high past time that I make the move to OS X and I fully intend to do that. My problem right now, though, is do I go to a PowerPC-based Mac laptop or an Intel-based one?
A: First you’re going to want to catalog your applications and determine a cost for replacing each and whether or not Universal Binaries are available. Then you’re going to want to assign a weighting for each application’s value to you. If you have crucial applications that are not available as Universal Binaries and aren’t likely to be available before the sun explodes – cough, Photoshop, cough – you’re more likely to want a G4-based iBook or PowerBook. But buying a G4-based laptop means you’ll be facing another migration down the road. You can perform a cost/benefit analysis using the time value of money approach to figure out which is the most optimal solution for you.
Q: Huh. Jeez, it sounds kind of complicated.
A: Well, yes, it is.
Q: You know, on second thought, I think it’s easier to just sit here and continue to drink.
A: Well… OS 9’s not that bad.
Q: Not after a couple of martinis.

Editorial: France Full Of Stupid Stupidheads Who Are Stupid.

According to Wikipedia, France is “a country whose metropolitan territory is located in Western Europe, and that is further made up of a collection of overseas islands and territories located in other continents.”

But, alas, that is but half the story.

For France is also full of stupid stupidheads who are stupid.

There is little substance to the French government’s argument that Apple’s iTunes Music Store represents a monopoly threat.

Despite the many, many blog posts, forum comments and drunken barroom rants crowing “Apple’s got the monopoly now, baybee!” and “How’s it feel now that the foot’s on the other shoe [sic], Windoze loozahs?!” and “Hey, while you were in the bathroom, I dunked my testicles in that beer you just drank out of, Robert Scoble!” there is no real evidence that Apple has a monopoly on digital music players or online music sales.

[Editor: Seriously, stop that, you guys. None of the other people in the bar want to see your testicles – let alone see you dunk them in anything – even if it is Scoble’s beer. Which is hilarious by the way. But still… cut it out.]

Anyone who has followed the technology industry knows that Microsoft is the monopolistic tyrant and Apple is the embattled underdog. It’s established technology industry canon. Perhaps the French government – drunk on fine wines and gorged on tasty pastries – fell asleep during the last twenty minutes of Pirates of Silicon Valley, but the rest of us didn’t.

I, for example, never saw it at all.

Anthony Michael Hall gives me hives.

But in summary, the French government would do well to consider what happened to Marie Antoinette when she famously said of the French people “Let them use Rios”, or the 18th century equivalent thereof.

I don’t know the whole story but I believe she was fined quite substantially.

New Apple Product Delayed.

Reports are coming in that a tantalizing new Apple product has been delayed over concerns that it is just too super-duper cool.

Sources indicate that the company is concerned that unless it is able to supply at least one – and perhaps two – units to each and every person on the face of the planet, it will face not only lawsuits, but all-out rioting in the streets.

“It’s rare that working for a technology company makes you afraid for global geo-political stability,” said a source in Apple hardware engineering who declined to be identified, “but we really need to ramp up production on this one before release.

“There are about 6.5 billion people in the world right now. And, frankly, we’re a little concerned we’re not going to be able to find capacity. Or components.

“Or cardboard for the boxes they’re gonna come in.”

The source did emphasize that the device was totally cool and mentioned that he has recently taken to sleeping on the floor of his cube just to be near it.

Information on the new device is extremely sketchy at this point, but Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that it will be the size of a PSP with the power of a cluster of 150 Power Mac G5s and will allow for input via keyboard, pen, voice or modulated brain waves from adhesive sensors placed on the user’s scalp.

It’s also possible it’ll be nothing like that at all, but be super-freaky wicked in some other way.

But one thing is for certain – it will be shiny and come in an understated cardboard box with a tasteful picture of the product on it.

And, despite its utter coolness, people are certain to complain it’s too expensive no matter how much it costs.

Shortly before they shell out whatever it will cost to buy one.

Or two.

Apple declined to comment for this story officially, but shifted uncomfortably in its seat.

Rubinstein Looking To Go Out In Blaze of Glory.

Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein, just two weeks away from his retirement, is still searching for the perfect means to go out in a blaze of glory.

Rubinstein believes that – while he could retire with his dignity in tact – it’d be a hell of a lot more fun to make some waves on his way out.

“And I’ve only got ten more working days to pick just the right thing,” Rubinstein noted. “I want to make this good.”

The man responsible for much of the success of the iPod is reportedly considering sexually harassing a co-worker, showing up to work late and drunk every day and falling asleep in staff meetings and walking around with his fly down asking everyone if they feel a breeze, or just telling off CEO Steve Jobs.

“Man, I’d like to give that guy a piece of my mind,” Rubinstein said, grinding his teeth and shaking his fist. “Stupid black turtleneck… stupid jeans…

“And what’s he gonna do? Fire me?!”

Rubinstein noted that the trunk of his 1998 blue Saturn is already full of office supplies, but he considers that more along the lines of “retirement compensation” than “sticking it to the man.”

“I’m pretty sure they factor this stuff in when you get hired,” Rubinstein said. “I mean, where do you think those sites that sell Apple pens, Apple note pads, Apple folders and other quality Apple office products get their stuff? Ex-Apple employees who drive off with trunkloads of this junk.

“I heard Fred Anderson backed a truck up and drove off with 4,000 binders. That’s what I heard.”

Rubinstein plans to pick and implement his flame-out in the next few days in anticipation of being asked to take the following week off on paid leave.