Month: June 2006

After an outcry against what many say are abusive working conditions in plants making iPods, Apple pledged late last week to institute a China labor probe.

Some, however, are not pleased with this announcement.

“How is that supposed to help?” asked Amnesty International spokesperson and former iPod user Kim Daley. “I mean, haven’t these poor people been through enough without Apple probing them anally?”

Told Apple never said it would actually physically probe the Chinese workers anally, Daley rolled her eyes.

“Well, how else do you think they’re going to probe them?” she asked.

“You’re so naive. I’ve seen these kinds of ‘probes’ before. They’re not pretty.”

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Counsel Mark Aaker categorically denied that the company would be conducting alien-style violations of workers in Chinese plants.

“No, I think maybe we’ll just, you know, do the old ‘turn your head and cough.’ Check the glands. That kind of thing.

“Ha-ha! I’m kidding, of course! We’re looking into the labor practices of our partners, not the behinds of their workers!”

After an uncomfortable pause, Apple then said it wished it had declined to comment for this story.

In the past several days, Apple customers have been shocked by reports that workers in the Chinese factories that create the iPod “work long hours and do not earn a lot of money.

It was but one of many “loss of innocence” moments for Apple’s doe-eyed customers.

“I dunno,” said despondent iPod owner Scott Hochman.

“Was it just a childish pipe dream to allow myself to believe that iPods were made by elves working 30-hour work weeks with full benefits in a candy-colored factory in Magic Gumdrop Land?”

Hochman sighed heavily.

“Maaaybe it was.”

Hochman was not alone in his belief that all Apple employees and employees of Apple contractors and sub-component makers spent their days skipping through a fairy tale of employment bliss. Apple customers are, as a whole, surprisingly uneducated concerning matters of economics and international commerce.

“Well…” said Apple customer Ted Kersten, “Why doesn’t Apple just pay them, like, $50 an hour instead of $50 a month? That seems fair to me.”

Apple was adamant that the more heinous charges that have been floating around the Internet are without merit.

“Steve Jobs does not ride the employees at iPod plants like they’re ponies,” said Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren. “That’s purely a domestic policy.”