iPod Still So Totally Doomed.

As analysts continue to wet themselves in excitement over the impending release of the Microsoft iPod killer, details about the device continue to trickle out.

An article by the Seattle Times’ Brier Dudley says that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, coded named Argo, will be much more than just an MP3 player. It will also act as a wireless platform for games like the PSP.

Strangely, it will also leave little raisins around your house like an Angora bunny.

The device is not yet complete according to Dudley, but it’s scheduled for release for the holiday shopping season and may be being rushed so that it can be announced at Microsoft’s July 27th meeting with financial analysts. Given the company’s track record in meeting deadlines and its ability to turn out quality X.0 releases on a rush schedule this can only spell doom for the iPod.

Or it could spell “xkljadefklja;vjadk.”

But, in yet another sign that the iPod is like so totally doomed, Microsoft will offer license parity for songs already purchased from the iTunes Music Store, so you can bring your music with you to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service. This will amount to a $1 billion giveaway simply to entice users to the new service – a steep price for any company – but Rob Enderle of the group of the same name indicates Microsoft “is wicked boss and has magical powers.”

How this will be accomplished technologically is that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will log on to the iTunes Music Store, view what songs you already own and transfer those assets to their Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service counterparts.

Microsoft expects Apple to send them the fully documented API for how to do this any day now.

Just in case you still don’t believe the iPod is doomy-doom-doom-doomèd, analysts predict that the strength of the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will be its ability to play music on a whole mess of devices that were designed to do something else, which consumer are known to love to do.

Many analysts are recommending that iPod users just go ahead and sell their iPods right now while they still have some value and listen to their old vinyl LPs until they receive their new Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. If rumors are true, Microsoft is just going to go ahead and buy one for each and every person on the planet.

“They could totally do that,” said Rob Enderle. “Totally.”

54 thoughts on “iPod Still So Totally Doomed.”

  1. There’s only one thing I don’t really understand:
    Who are Microsoft going to buy the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player from? From themselves?!?
    Do you really thing that Microsoft are that stupid so as to sell anything to Microsoft…

    meow?!?

    P.S.
    This is no less like Seven’th!

  2. OK John, I’ve perused the dictionary but no “xkljadefklja;vjadk” however the spell checker thinks it is wrong. Being a boring old fart, I find it difficult to stay with modern street usage, so explanation and pronunciation instructions please. Have similar difficulties with “MicroSoft”.

  3. Well, I made the mistake of Beta testing the new MS software, and installed it on my Pants™.
    They now play 3 seconds of a song then crash into a wall. Rebooting Pants™ is not easy….

    moo

  4. cool. I’ve been told off by John Moltz himself.
    Now that is something to tell the grandchildren.

    I probably should mention it in my resumee.

  5. For every one iPod-Killa being sold I will kill one angora bunny and one Pony (as long as supply lasts…).

    Be warned!

  6. With a lowercase I as in “i” in front of MSWMP11PMPDMPMPMP Microsoft may’ve been onto something. Without it.. it’ll just suck.

    At least that’s the vibe I’m getting from the Mac press.

  7. 1. This article sparkles with erudition.

    2. Microsoft Windows Cheeseburger 11 Portable Cheeseburger Device Cheeseburger Cheeseburger Cheeseburger.

    3. “Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service” should be simplified for the sake of smart marketing. “Microsoft Bob” was so successful that they should follow the same naming strategy. “Microsoft Vince,” “Microsoft Skippy,””Microsoft Pat,””Microsoft Chuck.”

    4. It’s so cute when you have to clean up after your new tech toy. Microsoft could enter a new golden era of expansion if customers have to buy food for their new media device. Give away the razor, charge a fortune for the blades. And the accessory market would dwarf that of the iPod: diapers, first aid kits, cosmetics.

  8. I don’t care much about the angora bunnies (there’s Greenpeace and stuff…), but DON’T fiddle with the Ponies!!!

    Be warned!

    iMEOWrrrr

    P.S.
    And I think that putting any vowels in/around MSWMP11PMPDMPMPMP will ruin the impression…

  9. And so is double-u then…

    What a mischief!!!
    It looks as though Microsoft are killing themselves with their own killers…

    meow

  10. Well, I got some extra scoop on this MSWMP11PMPDMPMPMP that no one else got because I have magical powers that are the bossiest.

    Mircrosoft is sick of being shown up by 14 year old kids hacking their systems so they’ve beat them to the punch. The MSWMP11PMPDMPMPMP will be released with its very own Microsoft certified virus! It won’t allow any other virus to be installed unless is has the correct certification and then you have to register that virus within 30 days or it will stop working.

    Don’t tell me Microsoft doesn’t have a handle on things.

    The Loo XP has a handle on it.

    So does the Toilet 2000.

    I hear Urinal Vista will have TWO handles!

  11. Nxxx,

    Let me explain the term MicroSoft. Basically it is a term used to describe someone or a group of someones who need to purchase those products that are always advertised in your email spam. A little cialis or viagra will clear it right up.

  12. I was just thinking this morning that the iPod is such a POS, no one is buying it, and the market clearly needs a new device to jumpstart The Digital Revolution™

    Go Microsoft!

  13. Oh, my god! You can put block quotes in the comments?!

    Um…

    I knew that.

    I totally did.

    See?

    Told you I did.

  14. I don’t know about iPod killers, but I do have a killer iPod.

    It’s an original 10 gig and I swing it overhand in a gym sock. I’d like to try it on Enderle, but well, his skull is too thick. On anybody else though, it’s lethal.

    Okay, I admit I’ve never actually tried this, but I have swung the iPod around in the gym sock enough to be pretty sure it would be lethal, or at least painful. Except to the thick-skulled, anyway.

    Hey, it would leave a nasty bruise, at least. Really. I think. Maybe. Oh, forget it.

  15. So John, should I send my training fee to? You or Masako?

    Now if I can just get my shit together on close those damn <a> tags! Doh.

    BTW, COME ON PEOPLE, RIP ON THE PICUTRE OF THE ARGO WILL YA??

    Please?

    Why do I even bother? I work and work and work and no one appriciates me around here. You’d probably never notice if I just slid right off the face of the earth.

  16. Sorry John, I screwed it up again. I quit. I didn’t think it would recognize it as a tag but it did. I’m going to go soak my head now.

    In a barrel of 30 year old Scotch.

  17. Yeah, you can’t just type “<” or “>” or it sees it as a tag. You have to use the html codes for the characters.

    Not the master has become the pupil, and the pupil the master.

  18. Damn! I guess I’ll have to return this check now too. Prolly woulda bounced any how.

  19. Not the master has become the pupil, and the pupil the master.

    You mean “now”, don’t you?

    BTW, COME ON PEOPLE, RIP ON THE PICUTRE OF THE ARGO WILL YA??

    The Engadget pic, or the real pic I posted earlier? (Personally, I think the one I posted is closer to how it will actually look.) Doesn’t the Engadget pic look like an existing MP3 product?

    Microsoft Windows Cheeseburger 11 Portable Cheeseburger Device Cheeseburger Cheeseburger Cheeseburger

    Now get that Blue Screen of Death feeling in your tummy, too!

    (I’ll stop with the blockquotes now.)

  20. Mummy, my iPod he looks funny! Methinks he has been surrounded by a hostile force.

  21. As in any marketing situation I think they should change the spelling of words or pronouns to match the product’s function or in this case the “experience” of use to: Arrrgho!

  22. I hear that in order to compete with Leopard Mobile running on a bagel, the MS Arrrr-Go runs on a donut. Not a nice glazed yeast donut either–it’s one of those nasty cake ones with the weird frosting.

  23. DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED!
    DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED!
    DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED!
    DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED! DOOMED!

  24. If Microsoft wants to pay me $400 to take a music player off their hands, I’m game.

    -jcr

  25. Somewhere above, in the mists of time, Ahnyer Keester Said:

    COME ON PEOPLE, RIP ON THE PICUTRE OF THE ARGO WILL YA??

    Sorry there dude, but it’s so uninovative looking it put most of us to sleep. Gee, looks like an iPod, sounds like an iPod …

    I always envisioned the M$ iPodkiller to look more like this:

  26. Oh,what a beautiful blog! I like it very much! I’m agreeable to your point of view!
    my name is 反应釜 I hope to make feiends with you !

  27. http://www.engadget.com/media/2006/07/player_zune.jpg

    Ladies and gentlemen, Here is Microsoft’s “Ipod killer fucker”.  Which they intend to call: for full effect please write said name in hebrew: Z U N Eן ו י ז
             (zayin vav yud nun)
    נו.. אז מי פה רוצה זיון?for
    those who are not hebrew readers – microsoft is, basiclly, calling
    their new digital audio player “Fuck”, or at least something that spells
    “f u c k” – when written – in hebrew.
    Just think about how this product will fly off the shelves in Israel. I can’t wait for the press reviews!I
    just know some anonymous person will write that it’s ‘זון’ (zayin vav
    nun) not ‘זיון’ (zayin vav yud nun) – but that person would be wrong. ‘zune’
    is NOT ‘zoon’, in the same way that ‘mule’ is NOT ‘mool’. the
    differance that ‘e’ makes translates to a ‘י’ (yud) in hebrew.”do you want a fuck?”this
    is going to be so much fun, I can’t wait to go to a gadget store and
    ask the girl at the counter “how much does it cost to get a ‘fuck’
    here?”. or calling techsupport complaining about problems when
    listening to the ‘fuck’ – which, as this is a first generation MS
    product you will have for sure.

  28. Came here for some decent news, but it seems all I get is stories with smartass remarks. appleinsider.com here I come.

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