Month: August 2006

CARS' WWDC Predictions.

With Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference barreling down on us like a tour bus full of booze and hookers – which, I understand, pretty much describes the evening program – it’s time for RUMOR ROUNDUP!

YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAW!

Let’s bring in the rumor dawgies!

In a long-overdue move, Apple will phase out the brushed metal theme and will introduce a new “cheesecake” theme. Sources indicate that menu bars will be a crunchy graham-cracker crust and the window beneath will be a smooth cream cheese.

Either that or its someone’s birthday at Apple and they’re getting an OS X-themed cake.

The sources were kind of far away and had binoculars with a really narrow field of view.

It is without doubt, however, that the company will reveal its plans for movie rental downloads from the ever increasingly misnomered iTunes Music Store. Why the company would choose a conference for developers for such an announcement is not entirely sure, but if rumors of discounted downloads of portions of the Girls Gone Wild series hosted by Snoop Dogg are true, that would explain a lot.

Programmers love Snoop Dogg.

OK, and cheap 20-year-old floozies who are willing to bare their breasts for a string of beads.

But who doesn’t like that? Other than some neglectful middle-aged daddies, I mean.

I’m sure Apple developers would really love it if the girls would lift their tops for a linked list.

Frickin’ dorks.

Finally, it is a near certainty that Apple will release some developer-related feature – possibly a Cocoa class called NSWindowToolkitMenuBarWithRetsin or something – that will be basically incomprehensible to you, the non-attendee. Somehow, however, you will find yourself discussing its implications with your Mac-using friends and opining on how it will be a boon to developers, even though it took you four hours to write an Automator script that empties the trash.

Well, those are all the rumors that we have near-confirmed or partially confirmed or somewhere near the intersection of Confirmed and Bullshit.

Well, those and the new Mac Pros.

But you don’t want to hear about that.

Kids Locked In Store At Apple Camp Turn To Cannibalism.

Shocking news has been slowly leaking out of Apple over the last few weeks that several youngsters attending Apple Camp resorted to cannibalism after being locked into the Manhattan Village, Calif., store accidentally.

Staff members were uncertain how it happened and why the children might have resorted to cannibalism so quickly.

Responding to a mall fire drill, Apple employees fled the store and locked the glass doors behind them, unaware the children had been left behind.

“They were only in there for fifteen minutes!” said a distraught store manager Lilly Holden. “I just don’t know how you can consume a 75-pound 9-year-old in that amount of time.”

According to Holden, the 12 children had been playing at the iMacs in the back of the store the last she had seen them.

“They were working on their own GarageBand songs,” she said. “I guess I should have suspected something was already going wrong before the fire alarm when it started to sound like the Carmina Burana back there.”

Behavioral psychologist Robert Reedman said that the line between human and animal is thin and that isolation from society – no matter how brief – can often tear down the facade of civilization.

“Personally,” Reedman said, “I can’t ride up one floor in an elevator without having to ‘mark my territory’, if you know what I mean.

Adjusting his pants, Reedman added, “But that’s just the way I roll.”

CEO Steve Jobs placed a personal call to the parents of the consumed child expressing his condolences and offering them a free iPod nano.

Jobs' Younger Brother Passionate About Kia Sales.

According to sources, Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ younger brother Randy is “really excited” about the 2007 line of Kia automobiles.

A senior sales rep at Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia, Randy Jobs is a passionate advocate of the Kia line who reportedly generates sales using his patented “reality distortion field.”

Jobs was characteristically cool about his sales acumen.

“I think we’re having fun. I think our customers really like our products. And we’re always trying to do better.”

Speaking to Ted and Martha Luchasi of Sunnyvale and their children Aaron and Madison, the younger Jobs smiled and said “We think you’re going to love the new Kias.

“And here’s why…”

Jobs listed the Sedona’s five-star crash safety rating as well as the Sorento’s sturdy ladder frame construction before taking the Luchasis on a test drive and demonstrating the car’s numerous features.

After the test drive, Jobs was joined by sales assistant Bob Schiller who performed a Sedona vs. Toyota Sienna bake-off.

Before retiring to the sales lounge at Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia to check with his manager on pricing, Randy Jobs paused, putting his hands together in a steeple with the tips of his index fingers on his lips.

“Oh, and one more thing…” he said to the Luchasis, pausing for dramatic effect.

“We offer the undercoating protection on all 2007 Kias… absolutely free.”

When contacted for this story, Apple refused to admit that Steve Jobs has a younger brother.