CARS' 5th Anniversary-A-Palooza!

A week from today, Crazy Apple Rumors Site will celebrate its 5th anniversary!

Hard to believe, isn’t it? What began in a Waffle House in Lancaster, Penn., has turned into an rumor publishing phenomenon that has seen Apple through the transition to OS X, the ascendancy of the iPod, the transition to Intel and the institution of “Pantsless Fridays” at One Infinite Loop.

The best thing about turning 5 is that we get to throw an embarrassing cake and soda pop-induced tantrum on the floor of the Tacoma Chuck E. Cheese, the likes of which has not been seen since 1993 when Brandon McCardle managed to wedge himself in the mechanism of the giant rotating mouse or rat or whatever that is, causing it to grind to a halt and forcing local firefighters to use the jaws of life to extricate him.

Interestingly, Brandon’s now a bond trader.

But more than making this just another edition of “Rumor Site Writers Gone Wild”, we want you to share in the joyous celebration. To that end, we’ll be giving away something each day next week. It’s all crap, of course, but if you’d like to get in on that there crap, send an email to and we’ll enter you.


That came out wrong.

Anyway, there’ll be some shirts (if you won’t buy them, then we’ll just have to give them to you to get you to wear them, dammit) and some bumper stickers and… I dunno… maybe some squid steaks or something. I’ll check the stock room and see what we have back there. The Entity’s eaten all the Baked Lay’s, but there might be a box or two of Screaming Yellow Zonkers.

There may be some special visitors, some surprises and rides for the kids.

Yep, could be ponies.

We just want to thank you for sharing our dream. A dream that started with waffles and culminated in hot, steamy sex with scores of nubile, young, rumor site groupies.


Wait a minute…

OK, it’s cool. Just checking to see if my mom was still reading. She’s not. She’s off making her patented gingerbread cookies for the holidays.

So, in conclusion, hot lesbian sex.

Thank you.

What was I talking about again?

59 thoughts on “CARS' 5th Anniversary-A-Palooza!”

  1. Streetrabbit, you got a PorMiVeCaBacon in the mail?!?!? That’s WAY better than a Turducken!

    How can anyone enjoy a meal that starts withTurd…

  2. In other excellent news, if you Google “fuckers motherfuckers” CARS is the 4th hit! Come on everybody, let’s try and get CARS to #1. Now, I’m not sure how to do this, but if we all think happy thoughts about “fuckers motherfuckers” I’m sure it will help.

  3. You know you’ve been reading CARS too long when…
    …you’ve read way past the bottom of the page. Oops! Read too long.

    You know you’ve been reading CARS too long when…
    …you’re often tempted to post crazy nonsense comments to serious sites.

  4. Um, I’d just like to point out that the busiest Waffle House in the country – nay, the world – is on Rt. 161 in Columbus, Ohio.

    Um, I’m going to bed now.

    With clothes on.

  5. Chris, thanks so much for that interesting….fact. Yeh.

    Also, how are the scores of nubile, young, rumor site groupies supposed to have their way with you if you’ve got your clothes on?

    I know that Rip, for example, would never be caught with his clothes on! Sleeping naked helps inspire him when writing the porn content for CARS.

    Moltz tried the same technique, but was shut down by FEMA shortly after his first attempt.

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