Month: December 2006

CARS Announces "Month of Security Dicks"

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Following up on yesterday’s announcement of the “Month of Apple Bugs”, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is pleased to announce that in January it will host the “Month of Security Dicks”.

Editor in Chief John Moltz said today that the “Month of Security Dicks” will highlight one complete and utter dick from the world of professional security a day.

“From George Ou to HD Moore, the professional security world is clearly rife with absolute pricks whose egos are matched in size only by their rapacious desire to get a fictitious Mac user they’ve constructed in their heads,” Moltz said.

Each profile in the “Month of Security Dicks” will provide a detailed list of the dickish security professional of the day’s feverish rants against the supposed cabal of brain-washed Mac users who believe OS X has no bugs. Each will also receive a relative rating of his ego using the technology industry-standard Ebrahimi index.

“Frankly, we were a little worried that a month might be giving the topic short shrift,” Moltz added. “There are apparently a lot of security dicks. But, at the same time, having to cover these jackasses for a month will be like a dose of the clap.”

Moltz said that he hopes the dicks in the security profession learn something from the “Month of Security Dicks”.

“If I had to pick one thing, I guess I’d like them to learn that they’re dicks,” Moltz said.

“That’d pretty much be it.”

The “Month of Security Dicks” will run from January 1st to January 31st 2007 on Crazy Apple Rumors Site, unless the point’s already been made.

IDG Still Partying Like It's 1999.

According to sources, IDG is continuing its embargo on granting Macworld passes to bloggers. The most notable blogger to be rejected for credentials this year is John Gruber of Daring Fireball.

Many in the Mac community have complained that, instead of using a blanket policy, IDG should be able to separate the wheat from the chaff.

But while keeping out rumor sites has long been considered the reason for IDG’s policy, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that it is actually because the company has not realized that time has passed since June of 1999 and simply knows nothing of blogging, podcasting, videocasting or any of the latest web media.

A spokesperson for IDG, Charlotte McCormak, said “Since Steve Jobs’ return to the company last year, we have arranged to keep the riff-raff out of Macworld and we have no intention of changing that. We only accept traditional journalists. You know, guys with those little pads of paper… maybe a hat with a card in it that says ‘Press’… that’d be nice…

“I mean, any yahoo can throw up a website. Like, uh, Yahoo. Although I hear those guys are doing pretty well.

“But, frankly, I’m so totally worried about this Y2k thing that I can’t get all that excited about some… what did you call him – ‘blogger’? – who didn’t get a pass to cover Macworld.”

McCormak added that she was looking forward to the premier of The Phantom Menace in several weeks.

When asked why the company was not willing to recognize the ascendancy of online journalism including blogs and podcasts, McCormak laughed.

“‘Podcasts’?! Ha-ha! Yeah! Well, tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. Any ‘podcaster’ who arrives at Macworld in his ‘hovercar’ gets in free, OK?

“Ha-ha! ‘Podcasts’! You’re killin’ me! What is that, like, transmitting data from your space pod?”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but did roll its eyes at the mention of IDG and say “Pff. Ack. Jeez. Don’t get me started about those guys. Pff. Whoo. Tell you what.”

Apple Rumor Sites Sue Linksys.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Crazy Apple Rumors Site and a consortium of other Apple rumor sites announce today that they are suing Linksys for restraint of trade over the company’s announcement of its new iPhone line of consumer handsets.

“Linksys, in delivering a product with the same name as a widely rumored Apple product, has severely damaged our ability to do business,” said Think Secret’s Nick dePlume.

“Apart from the difficulty in having to clarify that the iPhone we are talking about is not the Linksys iPhone but the widely rumored Apple iPhone, Linksys’ announcement severely damages our credibility by making it appear as if we could have gotten the entire thing wrong.

“Which we may have. I mean, I don’t speak Chinese, for chrissake. Have you tried working with Chinese sources? There’s the language and the time difference and the source building sessions where you have to eat things like chicken feet.

“It’s hard. It’s not like the old days when Apple sources would just walk up to you on the street and hand you a wad of confidential documents.

“Stupid Steve Jobs.”

The consortium is seeking an immediate injunction on the use of the iPhone name and $1.4 billion damages from Linksys.

“That probably sounds like a lot,” said Apple Insider’s Kasper Jade. “But remember that this comes as we’re entering the busy time of year for us – the time leading up to Macworld San Francisco – so the damage is particularly bad. Plus we have a lot of Christmas bills we need to pay off.

“And I’m getting sick of this stupid business and I’d really just like to cash out.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site editor John Moltz said the consortium might be willing to settle out of court for a lesser amount if Linksys executives agreed to admit that they were “great big poopy heads who smell like the feet of indigent Finnish day laborers.”

“We don’t really get anything out of that,” Moltz said. “I just think it’d be funny.”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

I wanted you all to know that the five years that I and the other staff members here have spent working on Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been really special. Your support has been overwhelming – your emails, your comments, your stopping by unannounced at 3:00 AM drunk on peppermint Schnapps – don’t think we haven’t noticed.

But as great as this has all been, it’s also been taxing. The long hours, the relentless pace of Apple rumor coverage, the all-night parties at Schiller’s house with playmates and members of the National Hockey League.

Five years is a long time.

That is why I regret to announce that I am leaving.

This is the end.

Goodbye!

…

Uh…

Good… bye!

Good…

BYE!

Dammit.

Goodbye!

What the f…

I’m sorry. I was supposed to disappear. This… damn… thing… isn’t… working.

Where the hell is that support phone number?

A: Hello, this is Mordor Support, my name is Snaga. Can I get your name, please?
Q: Uh, John Moltz.
A: And Mr. Moltz, what product can I help you with today?
Q: Well, I bought one of your Rings of Power and it was working for a while, but I was just trying to use it to make myself invisible…
A: Mmm-hmmmm. Invisibility is standard on that model.
Q: …and nothing happened.
A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
Q: What’s “MordorCare”?
A: MordorCare is our extended warranty service program. It extends your normal year-long warranty to an eternity.
Q: Oh. OK. What’s that going to set me back?
A: Well, I will need your eternal, undying fealty to Lord Sauron.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeaaah. Also, you’ll be forced to live in a permanent twilight world, caught somewhere between living and dead.
Q: Geez. That seems like kind of a lot.
A: Mmm.
Q: But… what am I gonna do, right? Ha-ha! I need my Ring of Power!
A: So, would you like to go ahead and purchase MordorCare?
Q: Sure.
A: Great. This will just take a second.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: So, how’s the weather in… Tacoma?
Q: Oh… you know. Gray. It’s winter in the Northwest. How’s the weather where you are?
A: Black.
Q: Oh. Uh… huh.
A: OK, I’ve gone ahead and set you up for MordorCare. Now, just give me a second…
Q: OK.
A: So, I’m going to have you try resetting the Ring.
Q: OK, I did that before…
A: Let’s just give it a try and then I’ve got some other things to try.
Q: OK. OK. So, just take it off…
A: That’s right. Take it off and put it back on.
Q: OK.
A: Is it back on yet?
Q: Yes. It’s back on. Nothing. Still visible.
A: OK. We’re going to try resetting your ERAM.
Q: ERAM?
A: Evil RAM.
Q: I should have gotten that.
A: Take the Ring off and look inside it and you’ll see some characters. Those are words in the Black Speech of Mordor. Read those aloud.
Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
A: OK, now put the Ring back on again.
Q: …
A: Anything?
Q: Just me. Sitting here being not invisible.
A: Hmm. I think we’re going to have to set up an RMA.
Q: Ugh.
A: We’ll ship you a box – it’ll arrive by Nazgul Express – and what you’re going to need to do is put the Ring into the box and call for a pickup. There could be some horrible shrieking so… if you have any horses or dogs…
Q: Well, how long is the repair going to take?
A: I don’t know that, sir. It’s going to depend on what’s wrong with your Ring and the availability of parts.
Q: [sigh] It’s just that… I have this need to disappear…
A: We’ll get it back to you as soon as possible.
Q: OK. OK.
A: I’ve arranged for a Nazgul to fly straight to your home to leave the box. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Q: Uh, no. You’ve been… very helpful.
A: Well, you have a wonderful weekend and I want to thank you for buying a product from Mordor.
Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.
A: Of course. You have a great weekend.
Q: Thanks.

Well, uh…

Looks like we’ll be back next week.