Month: April 2007

Jobs Cleared in Options Probe.

Apple fans across the globe rejoiced today as it was announced that Steve Jobs has likely been cleared in the backdated stock options probe that has embroiled the company.

Sources close to the Apple CEO indicate he celebrated today by forcing Apple’s accounts payable department to write him a whole mess of checks.

“I have no idea why I bothered with this whole options thing!” Jobs said. “I mean, I’m the CEO! I can just tell them to write me checks.

“Or I could tell them to get me cash…

“Ooh…

“Or bullion…

“Or… chickens…

“Or chicken bouillon…”

Meanwhile, the SEC has focused its interest on the actions of former General Counsel Nancy Heinen and former CFO Fred Anderson.

Heinen and Anderson are now reportedly on the run together, having stolen a vintage red Ford Mustang.

The two former Apple executives were last seen at a truck stop on Route 66. They stood out, eyewitnesses said, because Heinen insisted on being called “Thelma” and Anderson “Louise”.

Authorities have cordoned off every cliff along a 80-mile stretch of Route 66.

Apple has ordered 6,000 chickens which either means it’s Nugget Week at Caffe Macs or Jobs has picked a new form of compensation.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: This isn’t specifically a Mac question, but I know you’ve talked about the Getting Things Done methodology in the past and, I gotta tell you, I’m having a real problem with it.

A: Oh? Well, one app I can recommend is iGTD. It’s got a nice, clean interface, it integrates with Quicksilver and…

Q: No, no, no! My life used to be carefree! Now I have this monkey of ubiquitous capture on my back! I’m always capturing, capturing! I don’t fricking want to capture tasks anymore! I’ve got 40,000 tasks! Look at this one – “Organize pencils by size.” What the hell is that?! Why would I need to do that?!

A: Uh… well, if your pencils were organized, um… you could jot something down… uh…

Q: There’s no reason! And that’s the kind of crap I’m ubiquitously capturing!

A: You know, maybe GTD isn’t for you.

Q: I think you’re right. I’m going back to aimlessly meandering through a life of procrastination.

A: Good idea.

Q: I’m taking my MacBook to Asia next week and I want to make sure I can do my work, post some photos and watch some movies, but I don’t want to lug too much weight. Do you have any tips for travelers?

A: Absolutely. Instead of relying on your MacBook for watching movies on the flight, rip your DVDs and put them on your iPod before hand. You can get an additional lightweight battery pack for your iPod. In order to save more weight, check out what’s on your MacBook’s hard drive. Ones are, obviously, heavier than zeros. I recommend using a disk editor to change as many ones to zeros as you can.

Q: Uh… that doesn’t seem like a good idea.

A: Hey, do you know what the difference between a one and a zero is? Exactly one bit. You’ll never notice it except in the weight.

Q: I’m not gonna do that.

A: Sissy.

Q: I have an older Power Mac and I’m thinking about finally replacing it with a new iMac. The problem is, I keep hearing that Apple’s going to release new iMacs any day. Should I buy a new one now or should I wait?

A: W-w-w-w-wack! Ack! Ack! Blech.

Q: Um…

A: Glack! Ack! Wwwwwwack. Thoo!

Q: Uh… is there something…

A: Gah! I… swallowed a bug!

Q: Well, that’s great, but I really need to know what to do here.

A: Blach! B-buy a fricking iMac! Glack!

Q: OK. You don’t have to shout.

A: Gleck. Bleck. Oh, man. Mmm. Ahem. You know… that wasn’t so bad. I could go for another one.

Tim Cook BSG-Curious.

Sources close to Apple Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook say the 46-year-old family man has increasingly been drawn to forbidden fruit.

“He’s been battling with it for three years now, said an Apple source close to Cook. “For three long years there’s been this temptation… right there… on cable television…

“But there’s just no getting around it. It was time to admit it to himself. And recently he’s come to embrace the fact that, yes, he’s BSG-curious.”

Cook has reportedly decided to succumb to temptation and experiment with the Battlestar Galactica lifestyle by downloading the miniseries premier on the iTunes Store and seeing if he likes it.

“I’ve heard it’s quite a good show,” Cook said with his trademark drawl. “I understand it’s on hiatus for a while so I thought it’d be a good time to catch up.

“Is there something outlandish about that?”

Some were surprised by the revelation.

“Cook?” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “Wow.

“He’s the last person I’d suspect of being BSG-curious. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s a very good show. It’s just… he doesn’t seem like a scifi geek. Now, Ive? Rosenberg? Serlet? Sure.

“But Cook?”

On the whole, however, the news was not met with nearly the uproar as when CFO Peter Oppenheimer announced that he was Galactose-intolerant.

iPhone Really Delayed.

In disappointing news, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed tonight that the iPhone will indeed be delayed from its highly anticipated June launch.

Sources now say that – contrary to our reporting last night – the real reason the iPhone is being delayed is that Elmo’s voice just doesn’t sound right yet.

According to a CARS source who is a Cingular/AT&T sales representative, Apple is determined to get the sound of the signature Sesame Street character perfect.

“Look, I really hate to be the one to bring this up, but has anyone looked closely at that first row of icons on the iPhone? I’m not gonna say it, but…

“[cough] Elmo phone [cough].

“OK, I sort of coughed it, but c’mon!”

As shocking as the idea the the iPhone is nothing more than a vehicle for a popular PBS children’s show might seem, Apple engineers were surprisingly open about confirming it.

“Yes, the Elmo voice problem is bug 2341,” said a source working on the iPhone. “What bothers me more, though, is bug 1756. ‘Upon pressing Count With The Count, the Count sometimes only says prime numbers.’ I think it’s a problem with an array, but we haven’t been able to repeat it consistently.

“I’m happy to say, however, that Super Grover works like a charm. I personally spent a lot of time on that. I think people are really gonna like it. Heh-heh. Grover!”

Upon hearing this news, sources that for months had been discussing iPhone features such as web browsing, SMS and the revolutionary interface have suddenly backtracked.

“Come to think of it,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg, “all those random access voice mail messages were from Big Bird.”

Apple sources think they should have Elmo’s voice ironed out by October.

iPhone Possibly Delayed.

After last week’s disturbing news that Leopard was being delayed until October, the Apple community has become skittish. Rumors swept across the web today that, despite Apple’s assurances to the contrary, the iPhone was also being delayed.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has determined that these rumors may be true. According to sources close to CEO Steve Jobs, the reason for the confusion is that the iPhone is actually not yet a product in the physical sense.

“The iPhone,” said Jonathan Ive, “is currently a mental construct of Steve’s imagining that he – through sheer force of will – is attempting to manifest onto this plane of existence from his personal mental universe.”

At this point, Apple is simply uncertain at what rate Jobs’ will power will be able to make the iPhone completely physical.

According to Ive, “It could be tomorrow, it could be June or it could be next December. Steve’s concentrating as hard as he can.”

As bizarre as this sounds, it does explain why the iPhone has been as scarce as other imaginary devices like the perpetual motion machine and the all-meat high-definition television.

“We’d love to show it off more,” Ive said, “but it only tangentially intersects with our physical universe at certain times and only under the right conditions. In order to do the January keynote, we were beaming about 300 terawatts of photonic energy at the stage in order to weaken the laws of quantum mechanics and allow the iPhone to slip into reality.”

Asked if there were any health risks to attendees from sitting so close to such a high energy discharge, Ive suddenly became squirrelly and then pulled quickly away from the Arby’s drive-in window.

The company has asked that members of the Apple community visualize the iPhone in order to help Jobs bring it to reality.