Month: June 2007

In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.

And…

Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

WWDC! Today! Live coverage! All nude girls!

We’re here, we’re queer (well, one of us, anyway) and we’re ready to be wowed!

Energize reality distortion field! Ou deflectors to maximum!

Engage!

————-

9:57 AM – Something weird is going on. And I don’t mean David Pogue running around in that Peter Pan outfit throwing rose petals. We’ve come to expect that.

Every. Damn. Conference.

No, it’s the Entity. He keeps flickering. On and off. I’m a little worried about him. I feel like I should get him to a doctor. But where the hell am I going to find a good particle physicist two minutes before the keynote?

10:02 AM – Lights dim! A new Mac ad! John Hodgman as Steve. “Vista’s been selling dozen of copies.” Really? Was it that many?

10:04 AM – A Schiller joke. I hate it when Apple works my side of the street. And now… Steve!

OH, MY GOD, HE’S 9 FEET TALL! How did they do that?!

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m looking at the screen.

10:10 AM – An award for Intel. And Electronic Arts is coming back to the Mac! Yeah! CCO says “Just dual boot into Windows!”

The crowd is rushing the stage! They’re ripping him to pieces! Oh, the humanity!

10:15 AM – John Carmack from Id takes the stage which is covered with blood and entrails. He’s kind of used to that, though.

They’re not bringing any games to the Mac, he just wanted to say “Hi”.

Huh.

10:20 AM – Leopard features! Top secret! Eyes only! New desktop! Translucent menus! 3D dock! Stacks!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

10:21 AM – “And what I’d love to do is show it to you.”

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that on the street in San Francisco.

Know what I mean?

Think you do.

10:24 AM – “Boom.” We have first “Boom”! Who had 10:24 in the pool?

10:25 AM – New Finder! New Finder! New Finder! NEW FINDER! NEW! FUCKING! FINDER!

10:27 AM – You can browse files using Coverflow. “And with file preview, we just made looking at your porn that much easier,” says Steve.

10:32 AM – You can browse your home folder via .Mac.

We’re circling a petition for Apple to hold Leopard until January under the idea that if it’s this cool because they held it for October, just think how amazing it’ll be by January!

10:33 AM – Uh, maybe that’s not such a great idea. Didn’t really think that through.

10:35 AM – Uh…

Now the Entity is showering sparks from his hood.

He’s done that before, but with the flickering thing… I dunno.

10:37 AM – Leopard is 64 bit from top to bottom.

“Except for some 16 bit parts we just can’t get rid of for sentimental reasons.”

Huh?

10:41 AM – Feature number the fifth – Core Animation.

We are half way through the new features he’ll show. And if I didn’t mention this, he’s removing an article of clothing for each feature.

10:44 AM – INTERMISSION

Yep. Half way through the features so… time to head out to the lobby for a drink and a smoke. Go to the bathroom. Maybe get some Dots.

10:46 AM – OK, we’re back! Boot Camp! Built in to Leopard.

So, if you’re filled with self-loathing, Apple’s got you covered.

10:48 AM – Spaces! (All new features must be followed by an exclamation mark as required by law.)

A new widget for movie times! OH, MY GOD!

Oh.

Sorry, I’m just a little excited.

Uh, is there any reason to open Sherlock anymore? Remember when that was the app of the future? Apple’s web strategy? Yeah, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Holmes.

10:53 AM – WebClip!

Steve makes widgets out of Dilbert and National Geographic.

But YOU know what it can be used for.

Wink-wink.

Heh-heh.

Oooooh, yeah.

Bawm-chicka-wacka-wacka.

10:56 AM – iChat!

C’mon, Phil!

10:57 AM – Heh-heh.

Awwwww, yeah.

Phil.

11:00 AM – Phil’s showing backgrounds for iChat. Funny stuff.

But, uh, Phil, next time I’d like to see you in something a little dressier. Something with a collar. Nnkay?

This isn’t hockey practice, Phil.

11:04 AM – Time Machine!

Steve is now chastising everyone for not backing up as often as they should.

Now he’s chastising everyone for not flossing enough.

We’re also not eating enough bran.

Call your mother.

Etc.

11:06 AM – And that’s all 10!

Thanks for coming, everyone! Have a great afternoon!

11:09 AM – Oh, wait, he’s not done.

He just caused the entire audience to crap themselves by pretending they were rollout out a basic and premium version. Kudos to you, mercurial one!

11:10 AM – Safari. On Windows.

But Steve, we don’t use Windows. Jeez. Isn’t that obvious? I mean… it’s not me, right? It’s him.

11:15 AM – “But I do have one other thing…”

Drama queen.

11:17 AM – The Entity is now rebroadcasting some Mexican radio station.

Ooh, boy.

11:19 AM – “You can develop web apps for the iPhone!”

Thanks! No fricking duh!

Literally everyone in the audience is moving their fist up and down over their lap. Even the women.

11:22 AM – OK, at some point there has to be a hardware announcement, right?

C’mon! Johnny needs a new iMac!

11:24 AM – Hey, did little Scotty Forstall just say “Boom”?

You can’t say “Boom”! Only Steve can say “Boom”!

Steve, that bitch thinks he can use your toothbrush!

11:26 AM – Aaaaaand…

That’s it.

Hrm.

Oh, crap, I’d better get the Entity to JPL or something.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m thinking about getting an iPhone when they come out but I’m confused about some of the stuff they showed in the commercial. For instance, how does the iPhone do positioning?
A: Well, I hear it has a built-in GPS.
Q: No, no, no. That’s in rev. 2 which is coming in July. What I heard was that the initial unit uses the cell towers to figure out where you are.
A: That’s crazy talk. My brother says that it takes the picture on your user account, uses a heuristic algorithm to find your face in Google Maps zoom feature and then uses that to pinpoint your location.
Q: You are just recklessly repeating spurious rumors. My understanding is that AT&T is going to tag each customer with a chip so they can identify them. Like the dogs they are.
A: Pshaw. You’re having feverish nightmares. It’s a simple fact that Apple has tiny little people that live inside the products they sell us and report back on our every movement. That’s how they make stuff we can’t help but buy and that’s how they’re going to know where we are.
Q: Hmm. Yeah, OK, you’re probably right about that one.
A: Yeah, it just feels right, doesn’t it?

Q: After enjoying my iPod so much and hearing such great things about the Mac from my Mac-using friends, I finally broke down and bought myself a MacBook a couple of months ago. I have been really disappointed.
A: Oh, really? Well, what is it you’re trying to do with your MacBook?
Q: I’m just trying to get a sense of satisfaction, you know? A good user experience? And so far it’s been sadly lacking.
A: OK, well…
Q: And I tried to take it back to the Apple Store and they wouldn’t take it back!
A: Is it not…
Q: I just think that’s totally unacceptable! Here Apple markets its products as easy-to-use and providing a richer computing environment and when their products fail to deliver, they refuse to take responsibility!
A: Did you…
Q: And it’s not me! I mean, I have to tell you, I pressed my genitals up against this machine night after night and it was not in the least bit erotic!
A: You pressed your…
Q: My genitals. What else would I press up against it? I know a lot of people say they love their Macs, but I’m just not feelin’ it.
A: Uh… well, OK. OK. I can play this game. Maybe you just didn’t press them up against it hard enough.
Q: Hmm. Well, I’ll go back and try again, but I was pressing pretty hard.
A: Just, you know, give it the old college try.
Q: I shall endeavor to press my genitals up against my MacBook extremely hard!
A: That’s great. That’s… yeah. It’s days like this that make it worth coming to work.

Q: I just read that last question and I am totally offended.
A: Oh, hey, I know. We get that a lot. Uh, just last week as a matter of fact. Hmm. But, listen, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.
Q: What? No! I’m not offended by the caller! I’m offended by your snide and condescending attitude toward him!
A: Oookay.
Q: Listen, the expression of love between a man and his computer is a beautiful thing.
A: He wasn’t expressing love. He was rubbing his junk on it.
Q: …
A: Uh, yeah.
Q: OK, well, I’ll just leave a pamphlet for our organization – the North American Man/Mac Love Association – and be on my way.
A: Oooh, no you don’t. Take that thing with you.

No New iMacs At WWDC.

After weeks of speculation that next week’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference would see the long-awaited introduction of new iMacs, several sites have recently reported that an iMac refresh is off the table for months.

Some say that this is due to the current line’s continued success while other point to the difficulty in getting high volumes of the backlit LED displays the iMac will feature.

However, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned the real reason the new iMacs will be delayed.

According to sources, the new screens will not only be backlit LEDs, they will also be scratch-n-sniff.

“For years Mac users have dreamed of the ability to have odors delivered to them over the Internet,” said Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering. “And we’re about to make that dream come true. Our hardware is ready. The problem is there are no sites yet that take advantage of HOML. That’s Hyper Olfactory Markup Language.”

Mehring said that Apple has been trying in vain to get content providers to take advantage of this startling new technology.

“The Food Network. 1800Flowers. We even approached ESPN about having a ‘smell your favorite athlete’ option. What does Serina Williams smell like? I bet a lot of people want to know.

“I know I do.

“Anyway, we can’t launch with just the handful of porn sites we have. That’s just not going to cut it.”

Despite Mehring’s enthusiasm, several beta testers CARS reporters spoke to indicated the technology may benefit from a delay.

“I scratched the hell out of that screen and I still couldn’t smell the peppermint stick,” said Dan Moren. Out of the eight screen elements Moren was given to scratch and then sniff, he could only really smell the orange.

“Although, that is just like a real scratch-n-sniff.”

Apple’s scratch-n-sniff iMacs are expected to be delivered in time for the holiday season.

Hence the peppermint stick.

Apple Community Ponders Identity Of Fake Blogger.

The Apple community is in full speculation mode tonight as it wonders aloud…

“Who is Fake Phil Schiller?”

In a hilarious send-up of everyone’s favorite Apple senior vice president, an anonymous blogger has created an Internet phenomenon that seems sure to set the Apple world on its head.

“I’m not sure who he is, said Tim O’Reilly, “but I’ve got my people trying to negotiate a book deal with him.

“Well, OK, it’s not so much a ‘book deal’ per se as it is a deal for a series of pamphlets. I mean, it’s not like he’s pretending he’s Steve Jobs or something.”

While O’Reilly attempted to work out a pamphlet deal, other Apple followers attempted to piece together clues as to Fake Phil’s identity.

“He’s clearly Canadian,” said Jason Snell, editor of Macworld magazine. “You can tell from the hockey references.

“No one in the states watches hockey. Seriously. I didn’t even know the deciding game of the… whaddaya call it… Cup playoffs… were on tonight.”

Some feel they already know who Fake Phil is.

“Oh, I know who it is,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue, looking around furtively. “I can’t say his name… but his initials are… W.G.

“Aaand they sometimes call him ‘the Great One.'”

Pogue raised his eyebrows several times, then furrowed his brow.

“Oh, hell, it’s Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky. Well, at least I think it is.

“OK, I don’t really know.”

Regardless of his identity, Apple followers agree that from the hockey references to the Star Trek references to the insider’s view on Apple, whoever writes Fake Phil has Schiller down pat.

Fake Steve declined to comment for this story.