Month: June 2007

In late-breaking news just weeks before its launch, Crazy Apple Rumors site has learned that Apple has added a killer feature to the iPhone that is sure to secure its success.

Sources in Apple’s iPhone development group have revealed that in addition to acting as a phone, an email client, a web browser, a mapping platform and a portable entertainment system, the iPhone will also dispense beer.

The company has added a small tap to the side of the iPhone that will, when pressed, release the frosty, refreshing beverage that has been enjoyed since the time of the Pharaohs.

“This could be the holy grail of mobile connectivity,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life.

“To be able to access my beer on-the-go… I can’t even think of a reason why I’d go home again.

“Oh. Well, to see my wife, of course. Right. Uhh… love you, honey!”

The details of this startling new feature were not available at press time. It’s not known, for example, exactly how much beer an iPhone can hold and whether or not Apple will rely on third-party peripheral developers to build add-on kegs.

But most were not concerned by the lack of details.

“It’s a phone that dispenses beer!” exclaimed Apple follower Derik DeLong.

“Oh! My! God! I mean, at this point, I don’t even give a shit if it actually makes phone calls anymore!”

Some of the slower pundits were concerned about Apple “tapping” the iPhone.

“I’m concerned about Apple tapping the iPhone,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

“I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but it did have beer on its breath.

The first advertisements from Apple, Inc., for their new iPhone reveal a previously undisclosed niche marketing factor: the iPhone will only display information related to the sea and children.

In a series of dramatic advertisements aired Sunday night during 60 Minutes, Apple demonstrated the iPhone’s ability to switch from playing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to finding a seafood restaurant. A little noticed footnote displayed during that sequence warned, “The iPhone cannot play movies that do not include nautical themes or water, and restaurants must predominately feature seafood or pirates to be included in our guide.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren clarified late Sunday night that Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism of iPod sales, and because of a little known maritime exemption for regulations governing handheld electronics.

“Our lawyers – admittedly a little skittish after the ones who approved Steve Jobs’ stock options a few years ago were all fired – have naturally interpreted this rule in the strictest manner possible to apply only to devices either intended for use at sea or that include only images of the sea.”

Another ad showed photos of children attached to an email message, but failed to mention that only photos of children may be stored, viewed, or attached to messages on the iPhone.

“Steve thinks you should all focus on your kids a little more,” McLaren said. “He feels pretty strongly about that. I believe his exact words were ‘Our customers are a bunch of deadbeat absentee parents.'”

Accordingly, the iPhone will only be sold to customers who have children.

Or who are pirates.