Month: July 2007

Zune Survey Provides Interesting Results.

A poll conducted by Eagle Research Group indicates that 70 percent of Zune users plan on switching to either an iPod or an iPhone as soon as they can.

Clearly, despite Microsoft’s best efforts to put a happy face on its beleaguered digital music player, the Zune is a severe disappointment.

But 70 percent that desired to switch wasn’t the only bad news Eagle Research Found found for the Zune and Microsoft. According to the study:

  • 20 percent of that 70 percent said they’d rather be kicked in the groin than use a Zune again.
  • 95 percent of iPod users volunteered to do the kicking because they felt the Zune users should have known better in the first place.
  • 100 percent of PlaysForSure music is incompatible with the Zune. That wasn’t actually part of the survey, we just like to point it out every chance we get because it’s so fricking hysterical.
  • The number one complaint of the 70 percent who said they would switch: premature squirting.
  • 35 percent of Zune owners have that funky brown Zune smell.
  • 70 percent of Steve Ballmer’s body consists of chicken parts deemed unsuitable for human consumption – mostly waddles and anuses.

That last one actually didn’t come from the survey, it came from the U.S. Poultry Council.

When reached for comment, Apple said that Zune owners would have to apply for iPod ownership and iPhone ownership would only be allowed for those with very good references.

PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN INCOMING TRANSMISSION.

AT 0900 HOURS THIS MORNING, THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION WAS RECEIVED FROM CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JOHN MOLTZ. THE TRANSMISSION WAS INCOMPLETE – HAVING CLEARLY BEEN SENT IN HASTE AND IN THE DIREST OF CIRCUMSTANCES. IT IS BOTH DISTURBING AND INSPIRING, AND IS PRESENTED HERE IN ITS ENTIRETY IN THE HOPES THAT READERS MAY DERIVE THEIR OWN INSIGHTS INTO THE CYBER APOCALYPSE.

WE ASK THAT YOU POST YOUR THOUGHTS AND INTERPRETATIONS IN THE COMMENTS.

BEGIN TRANSMISSION.

… this thing on?

OK.

Stopped at -anson, MO yesterday to stock up on supplies. Did not bring [enough?] plastic bags. … would think … talking dog would be able to curb himself, but nooooo…

Took us h[ours], but finally scored more mescaline from … 85 … widow. Just in time, too, as Crabb’s image was fading.

He is a fount of knowledge. At once urbane, detailed and highly technical, he is also direct.

When we asked where to find the Entity, he sm…ed me in the middle of the [forehead?] and said “Waffles, young man! Waffles!”

Young?

But … am a fool. Waffles! Of course! I first … the Entity in a Waffle House. Certainly it is near waffles that he will reappear. He is drawn to them … moth to light.

Isn’t everyone? … you … wouldn’t … near waffles? Personally … smeared in syrup. That’s the way I roll.

We shall stick to the open road but … only at night to throw off the metal nightmares that … our trail. … night vision … poor.

… seeking out the great waffle establishments of this fair nation which are [generally? mostly?] open 24-hours-a-day anyway.

THERE IS THEN A LONG, GARBLED PASSAGE OUT OF WHICH THE ONLY WORDS THAT CAN BE MADE OUT ARE “SQUID”, “OCTOPUS” AND… “CRAB”. ONE CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE METAPHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS THAT MIGHT BE BROUGHT TO LIGHT IF ONLY IT COULD BE DECIPHERED.

IT’S ALSO JUST POSSIBLE THEY STOPPED AT A RED LOBSTER OR SOMETHING.

THE PASSAGE CONCLUDES WITH THIS LINK AND IS FOLLOWED BY CLEARER TEXT.

I asked Don about Apple.

How could … that made computers … role in staving off the mechanical beasts … Cyber Apocalypse?

Don stared at me intently. Maybe … the mescaline, but his eyes swirled green, yellow, orange, red, purple, blue. Green, yellow, orange, red, purple, blue.

“Apple … one company that truly makes technology that works for us. Not the other way around.

“When the time comes …

“… lasers …

“… sexbots …

“… Multitouch …

“… user-friendly interface …

“… stem the flood of cold, heartless technological …

“… final battle … One Infinite Loop.”

One.

Infinite.

Loop.

Green. Yellow. Orange.

Red. Purple. Blue.

Green. Yellow. Orange.

Red. Purple. Blue…

Out.

—–

Sent from my iPhone!

END TRANSMISSION.

LET US HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR OUR INTREPID TRAVELERS.

…

TONIGHT, DRAW YOUR LOVED ONES CLOSE AND PRAY TO WHATEVER GODS YOU MAY WORSHIP, FOR NONE OF US KNOW WHAT PERILS LIE AHEAD IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES.

GODSPEED TO JOHN AND HOWARD, WHEREVER THEY ARE.

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.

Mac Market Share Grows. Platform Doomed.

While the iPhone has garnered the lion’s share of the attention lately, the Mac has quietly edged up its market share, as sales were up 26% in the second quarter compared to the industry’s 7%.

While this may seem to be good news for the Mac and Apple, several industry experts said just the opposite was true.

Rob Enderle of the esteemed Just Me And The Mrs. Group said “By my estimation, this entire increase is from Apple zealots buying up all the Macs they can in a desperate attempt to rescue the platform. This will fade as they run out of money. Clearly the Mac is in its last throes.

“Oh, and I don’t know why I feel compelled to tell you this, but I ate a lot of paint chips as a child.”

Enderle’s analysis was echoed by John C. “I probably got where I am today because people mistakenly think I invented the keyboard” Dvorak.

“I was talking with a friend of mine,” Dvorak said, “and he accidentally walked into a Mac user group meeting and heard the Mac zealots planning to steal our precious bodily fluids so they could use them to anoint Steve Jobs as their one true god.

“And you Mac zealots can’t complain about me saying this because it’s not me saying it, it’s my friend.

“Who I made up.”

Meanwhile George Ou remained strangely quiet, not looking up from his hobby of performing taxidermy on neighborhood cats. And, for his part, Paul Thurrott merely wanted to know where Enderle had gotten the paint chips because he was feeling a bit peckish.

Client Development Night.

Well, screw this.

Moltz is out there driving through the desert with a talking dog and a mescaline-induced vision of one of the seminal Mac pundits of the previous decade and I’m sitting here on my ass scrolling through emails from appld00d238@hotmail.com and watching my Lancelot Link DVD.

He left Thor in charge but here’s the thing about the great Thor Samson. He’s smart, powerful, well connected and good looking in a “I don’t roll that way but if I did…” kind of way. But he’s not exactly what you’d call “focused”. One minute he’s talking about how we’re going to redesign the site and make it all Web 2.0 with a state-of-the-art content management system and lasers and shit and the next he’s rolling in a pile of twenties with four Swedish flight attendants smeared in butter.

And he’s not even an employee! He’s a contributing columnist! Ugluk even has seniority!

Not that he wants to get into management. I think he’s more interested in the Shaman position we have open. The hours are better. And he’s already got the cave bear head.

But anyway, like I said, screw this.

I’m taking a mess of ones out of petty cash and I’m doing some client development tonight. Me and Kafasis and Shipley and Thomason and that other dude are going to some strip joints.

So if you rumor monkeys want to get your fix, maybe you can get your jollies on this, which reliable sources say is… from the future.

Really, they said that.

And these were the guys who totally predicted iPod Socks. Seriously. They nailed it.

On The Road With Howard.

Well, it’s day 10 of our quest for the Entity and I wish I could tell you it was going well.

But it isn’t.

We did find fire, though. That was kind of cool. It’s in the trunk.

And this grail thingy. Howard’s using it as a water dish.

But no enigmatic energy being.

We thought we had a hot lead outside of Denver when a couple of teenagers told us there was a cloaked figure that hung out at a local Gas-N-Sip.

But it turned out it wasn’t an energy being, it was just some dood in a cloak who said his name was Darth Silliest.

I know, I know.

I’m, like, “You mean Darth Sidious?”

And he’s, like, “No. Darth Silliest.”

And then he smiles a little and raises his eyebrows a couple of times.

Freaking weirdo.

So, now we’re just driving through the desert at night with the windows rolled down and Zeppelin blaring.

One thing that has become apparent to us is the urgency of our quest. With each mile we drive, the iPhone brings us dire tales of the horrors that robots are wreaking upon the unsuspecting masses. They attack our elderly and replace our beloved migrant workers while we sit by and do nothing.

Is it any surprise they’re getting more uppity?

I just hope something comes up soon so we can start working up a game plan to beat these binary bastards and figure out what role Apple is going to play in the Cyber Apocalypse.

Because we’re almost out of Pop Tarts. And mescaline.

I mean, I’m not adverse to switching to the LSD, I’m just not sure that’s going to provide the right chemical balance for us to find our spirit guide and…

Uh…

…

Howard, did you see that?

Was that who I thought it was?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, I gotta go.

We just passed a hitchhiker.

And it was Don Crabb.

We’re backing up.