October 2007 – Page 2 – Crazy Apple Rumors Site

Leopard!

Hey, kids! Have you heard about the Leopard! Oh, yah, it’s the new thing all the hep cats are into! Come Friday, you don’t want to be that one dorkweed still on Tiger! I mean, Tiger? What’s that?!

Ha-ha!

Well, it’s the operating system you’re all running now, of course.

Except for Larry who’s still running OS 9.

Get with the program, Larry!

Now, you may have seen some sites that attempt to give you the 411 on Leopard. But don’t let those bitches use your toothbrush, my friend! We’ve boiled down their “supposed” list of “300 features” to 10 essential things to take away about the Leopard!

Now… Let’s Leopard!

If you’re like me, you have many questions. What is Leopard? What does it do? How does it do it? Who’s responsible? What’s that thing on my back? Is it a mole? Should I have that checked? It’s more like a flap of skin, isn’t it? Does that look right to you? Doesn’t it look like the kind of thing you see on the people who live in the Port Authority terminal? Should I get some kind of an ointment? I probably shouldn’t pull it off with a pair of tweezers…

…or should I?!

Let’s find out!

Leopard runs on your compooter! Provided your compooter is one o’ them there Mac jobbies. It makes the computer go and run fast!

Leopard is one of those cool kids who kind of spans all groups. Like sometimes you’ll see it with the stoners out back of the cafeteria by the dumpster, yah, but it’s also got a letter jacket in track so it can hang with the jocks. And it spent the summer in Paris and totally rules the French Club!

You may have heard that Leopard is made up of ones and zeros. Not true. Leopard is made of fancy cheese!

Did you know that Leopard adds integers and fractions?! It’s true!

Leopard manages the sharing of the resources and processes system data and user input, all while lookin’ all gussied up like! Yeah! It’s tarted up prettier than a $50 whore! Have you seen that Time Machine? Oh, man, would I like to hit that!

Apropos of nothing, Leopard makes its own blender mayonnaise!

Leopard comes with a free sticker! How cool is that?!

If you were to time travel and take a Mac with Leopard loaded on it back to 1973 and were to show some people then what computers will be like in the future, you could totally get some hot 1973 chick into bed with you! But make sure it’s not your mom, dude.

Leopard avenges thee upon those who hath wronged thee!

Leopard is a sense of warm fulfillment, like sitting close to a loved one in a far-away cabin watching the snow fall and drinking hot chocolate. Which is good for you, because everyone hates you and you live in an efficiency and are allergic to chocolate.

So do yourself a favor, princess. Get in your busted-ass AMC Pacer and head down to the Apple Store on Friday and pick up a copy of Tiger.

I mean Leopard.

Whatever.

Or maybe you just need some RCA cables.

Fuck if I know.

Who am I? Kreskin?

Apple Announces the Apple White Slave.

In a surprise announcement on today’s quarterly call with analysts, Apple said that it was adding a new product line that would revolutionize yet another industry: slave trading.

“When we were looking into this, we were surprised at how inefficient slave trading is today,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “Scarce supply, erratic prices often driven by the proximity of law enforcement or the balance of one’s cocaine bill with the buyer. The Apple White Slave takes the guesswork out of finding quality slave labor.”

Jobs said that Apple’s White Slaves – all of which are adults between the ages of 18 and 30 – would all be offered at one flat price of $10,000.

This prompted some analysts to deride the lack of choice.

“This is just another example of how it’s always Apple’s way or the highway,” said Rob Enderle of the Rob and Mary Show. “Let’s say you’re looking to acquire several 9-year-olds. Well, Apple’s not interested in your business.

“This is why they’re going to go out of business any day now. I mean, have you heard they’re into slave trading?! And no 9-year olds! What is up with that?!”

Jobs did point out, however, that despite the name, the Apple White Slave is an equal opportunity forced labor solution.

“White is not in reference to the slave’s race,” Jobs noted. “It’s in reference to a wonderful program, just like (Product)Red program that’s currently available in our iPod lineup. See, it’s not the Apple White Slave, it’s the Apple White Slave. See the difference? And for every Apple White Slave you buy, a portion of your purchase goes to Project White.

“Which, ironically, helps fight the white slave trade. But you know…”

Jobs did say, though, that the Apple White Slave is not for sexual purposes – as the term “white slave” is usually used – and that violation of this term of the license agreement could result in “bricking” of the Apple White Slave.

Although he did not explain how exactly that would happen.

It’s thought that this particular stipulation was added to protect future sales of the Apple Sexbot.

The Apple White Slave will go on sale immediately and be offered exclusively through Apple retail stores on a large wooden block to be added in the back.

Sick

We really wanted to do a Help Desk, but illness has swept through the Crazy Apple Rumors Site offices like Sherman through Atlanta. You’d think with a staff the size of ours at least someone would be well enough but the problem is we have one of those water fountains that has a really weak spout so if one of us gets something, we all get it.

Admittedly, this is probably an aftereffect of staying out late drinking with our Apple sources last night, but how else are we going to get them soused enough to tell us all about the tablet device that’s going to be introduced at Macworld?

Sadly, that didn’t actually pan out as they passed out during the tequila course around 2 AM.

The only one not stricken horribly ill is the Entity who, now sporting the bod of Jennifer fricking Connelly, is just standing around striking seductive poses.

Thanks. That’s really helping. Thanks a bunch.

At any rate, you guys are pretty good at rolling your own Help Desk, so please have at it in the comments. Don’t mind us. We’ll just be lying on the couch and the floor in the break room moaning in pain and waiting for our Tom Yum soup to arrive from East & West Café.

I wonder if the delivery guy will think it’s weird if we ask him to spoon-feed it to us?

No post. No post. Not posting. No!

Shocking news came late this afternoon as – just hours after announcing a release date of October 26th – Apple announced that Leopard would be delayed again. According to the company, some late testing revealed that there were lingering performance issues on older Macs.

When asked which Macs were affected, head of Mac hardware engineering Peter Mehring said “Mostly Performas. For some reason it runs really slow on even a later Performa like a 6400. And that was a really nice machine. Despite what people said.”

Mehring said he thought it might be the Core Animation.

“Or, really, it could be an icon, actually. They’re a lot bigger than they used to be.”

Asked about the system requirements that state a G4 or higher is required, Mehring said “Oh, that? That’s wrong. I mean, why wouldn’t we get it working on as many machines as possible? Like the PowerBook 2400? Now that was a machine.”

Mehing thinks it will only take another 10, 14, 28 months to get one or two of the 300 Leopard technologies running on Performas.

“I’m sure everyone understands. Shouldn’t be long. Well, OK, kind of long. But, we’d hate to leave our Performa-using customers behind.

“Um… again.”
A huge news day today as CEO Steve Jobs announced that Apple would indeed be releasing an iPhone SDK as this site accurately reported was predicted last week.

Jobs said the development work would take some time as Apple was trying to come up with an effective way to ~~skim a little off the top for Stevie~~ ensure that the applications are secure.

Meanwhile, reports indicated that Apple would be selling an unlocked version of the iPhone in France, a surprising revelation considering the lengths the company has gone to to lock the phone to AT&T in the U.S.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has found another way to achieve its objectives. The unlocked version of the iPhone will cost 9, 000 Euros.

“There you go, you French whiners,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “Happy fricking Bastille Day.”

Jobs seemed uninterested to learn that Bastille Day is actually in July, but added “I got your unlocked iPhone… right… here.”

And then he grabbed a part of his body where it was unlikely there was actually an unlocked iPhone, unless Apple will be releasing iPhone crotch holsters any time in the near future.

Jobs further added that French people could “mange” his “big, crusty baguette.”

“And by that I mean my junk,” Jobs concluded.

The French government declined to comment for this story.
Ha-ha!

No!

No post!

Instead, Pabst Blue Ribbon for everyone.

Please print this page out, report to your local beverage establishment and present it for your free draft beer.

Offer void, um, everywhere.

iPhone News Dominates the Day.