Month: January 2008

Some Apple Execs Reap High Salaries.

Reports filed with the SEC show that several Apple executives pulled in salaries of over $1 million last year with the notable exception of CEO Steve Jobs who still makes only $1.

As CFO Peter Oppeneheimer and COO Tim Cook note, while the rich life does have its rewards, it’s not everything.

“As much as I love my boat, my genetically bred talking monkey and my diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Cook, “I’d give it all up for the richness of simply being Steve Jobs.

“I mean, have you seen Steve’s house? No, of course you haven’t. You’re no one. But I have. It’s serene. Beautiful. Immaculate. He lives a life of stately frugality. He eats only what he needs.”

“He breaths only what he needs,” Oppenheimer added.

“Right. I mean, how else could he survive on a salary of $1 a year?” Cook asked.

However, contrary to Cook and Oppenheimer’s supposed insights into Jobs’ monk-like lifestyle, other sources indicate that Jobs has actually supplemented his $1 income in the following ways.

  • Sold his comic book collection and used the proceeds to buy a case of Top Ramen and a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
  • When he returned to Apple in 1997, instead of spending his “mad money” for the year, he invested it in government bonds and turned $1,200 into an astounding $1,225.
  • Took a second job at the Cupertino Pizza Hut which is kind of humiliating but thanks to his Mercedes SL65 he’s able to maintain a perfect record of delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less.
  • Back in 1973, lifted a mess of quarters from his dad’s dresser. Found them in his pants pocket just last year.

Jobs declined to be interviewed for this story as he had to go meet with his guidance counselor, who thinks he could be applying himself better.

Apple's Record Results Result In Record Drop.

Apple posted record results today, as iPod sales continue to be strong and Mac sales experienced a virtual boom.

Naturally, the company’s stock fell dramatically on Wall Street in late trading, prompting a difficult admission from CFO Peter Oppenheimer over dinner tonight (yes, we frequently dine with Peter Oppenheimer – don’t you?).

“At this point,” Oppenheimer said in hushed tones, “I just don’t think there’s any way to salvage this relationship.”

According to Oppenheimer, Apple is considering divorce.

“Sometimes when you’re in a an abusive relationship,” Oppenheimer sobbed over a white Zinfandel, “you just get used to it.

“You think, maybe it’s me! Maybe it’s all my fault! Maybe they’d invest in me more if I weren’t so fat! I’ve suggested therapy but Wall Street just tells me to ‘shut up’ because it’s ‘watching the game’.”

For its part, Wall Street confirmed there were “issues” but placed the blame solely on Apple.

“The magic just isn’t there anymore,” Wall Street said. “When we met, Apple was… I dunno… sexy. The iPod! Oooh, the iPod! Now… eh.

“Maybe it’d be different if it dressed itself up in something pretty. Like a new iPhone or a tablet or something. You know, make an effort. But the MacBook Air? Too little too late, Apple.”

Apple followers were unable to fathom what, exactly, Oppenheimer could mean by “divorce”.

“What, they’d take the company private?” Macworld magazine’s Jason Snell wondered aloud. “I don’t think that would work.

“Wait, did you really have dinner with Peter Oppenheimer?”

Sure. Yeah. Of course we did.

At the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto, if you must know.

We split the tab, although he picked up the tip because he had dessert. And the wine.

Happens all the time.

IDG To Release Macworld Extended Edition.

Are you suffering Macworld Expo withdrawal? Are you still craving the constant inflow of a dozen podcasts and 10, 00 articles a day? Do you now pine for just one more glimpse of Chris Breen’s rich, luxuriant hair?

Well, your sleepless nights are over! Or, rather, just beginning anew again! Because Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that IDG (in association with Sessions Records) is releasing “Macworld Expo – The Extended DVD”, which will feature over 10,000 hours of unedited material, including presentations, articles, blog posts, podcasts, videos of podcasts, pictures of people doing podcasts and pictures of people walking around the Macworld Expo showroom floor looking for booth babes and wondering why there aren’t any booth babes.

According to sources at IDG, the 6-DVD set includes the following material:

  • Leo Laporte reads Tolstoy’s “War And Peace” – inserting “Steve Jobs” for “Pierre Bezukhov” – until he is unable to speak. He is carried on a bier from the podcasting stage by his adoring fans and lain in one of the Pzizz chairs until he recuperates.
  • 1 hour of a drunken CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz wandering around the Expo floor and asking people if they want to “see his iWang”.
  • A 1,000 page fictional account of Macworld Expo 2008 written by Dori Smith entitled “Harry Potter and the Schwag Bag of Moscone”.
  • Shocking footage of how Macworld’s Jason Snell, Philip Michaels and Dan Moren really spent their week: a cocaine-fueled blur of hookers and violence ending in a shootout with police (a PC World neighbor notes: “They seemed like such nice fellas. Quiet. Kept to themselves.”)
  • Glenn Fleishman’s 48,000-word essay on a whole bunch of wireless shit you won’t understand.
  • Video of Panic‘s Cabel Sasser sitting in his hotel room in his underwear watching “Adult Swim” while drinking a beer and eating expensive nuts, chips and chocolates from the mini-bar. Only after finishing the chocolates does he look at the prices and say “Eh, fuck it. I’ll just expense it.” Shortly after that he notices the video crew and chases them from the room.
  • Andy Ihnatko’s 5,000-image photo journal entitled “Upskirts of Macworld”.

IDG declined to comment officially, but when we called them their operators were standing by, thereby confirming the rumor.

More delicious Macworld content! And low fat!

Macworld Expo may be other, but you can still read about it over and over and over and over and over again.

Here’s the second part of my Two-Part Macworld Trilogy on Macworld.com.

And if you’re already bleeding from your eyes from reading too much Macworld coverage, you can hear me dish the latest rumor in this podcast with Macworld’s Philip Michaels. Why should your eyes do all the suffering?!