Joz's Children Have No Zunes

Apple vice president of iPod and iPhone Product Marketing Greg “Joz” Joswiak harbors a secret in his home: His children have no Zunes.

Hard as this is to believe in 2009, when Microsoft’s music player is found in dozens of households around the world, Joz’s children are forbidden to own the device made by Apple’s fiercest competitor for music-playing hardware.

In a recent interview with Guitar World Magazine, Joz’s wife, “Linda,” reluctantly told a reporter that, “Zunes are banned from our household.”

Acknowledging the strain this puts on her, “Linda” explained, “Every now and then I look at my friends and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we all went out and bought Zunes and then purchased some music and used Wi-Fi on the Zunes to share the music with each other for a limited period of time?’ My friends press the pause button on the headphone cords for their new tiny iPod shuffles and say, ‘Huh?’ But it still stings.”

Joz’s children, Clarus, Luxo, and OpenDoc, have also never known the joy of firing up Windows Vista, cursing, rebooting, cursing, rebooting again, installing hundred of megabytes of critical updates, rebooting, installing anti-virus updates, rebooting, waiting for a system scan to complete, and then having Internet Explorer 7 improperly render a standards-compliant Web page and crash, and then reinstalling the operating system.

“It’s hard on the kids, because when they go to school – a special school that they use a scramjet to attend and which is carved out of the side of a skull-shaped island – and tell their friends about how they were watching movies on an iPod or playing games on their iPhone or using a Mac to create a movie from video they shot from their manned mission to Mars, the other kids just stare at them in blank comprehension,” “Linda” said. “Of course, all the other children have Apple equipment.”

Joswiak’s children may find iPods and iPhone littering every surface in their home – their fleet of Roombas crunches up a dozen or more a day – but there’s not a single Windows Mobile powered phone to be found.

“Fuck no,” said “Linda.” “Are you fucking insane? Have you fucking used Windows Mobile? With the OK button up in the corner? And the fucking fuckety fuck fucked up interface? Really, I know you’re smoking pot, but are you on crank and ecstacy, too? Fucking moron.”

Child Discovered In Word Code.

Shocking news has been leaked from the Microsoft Business Unit today that reveals the reason the release of Office for the Mac was delayed last year. According to sources, some times last year, developers in the MBU discovered a child lost in the voluminous source code of Word for the Mac.

Sources were unable to say how he got in there or whose child he might be, but he apparently had been living in the code in a feral state for a number of years.

Lost in a morass of legacy code, the child was only first glimpsed when Microsoft began to remove Visual Basic support.

“He was apparently hiding behind some of that code,” said a MBU developer who declined to be identified.

The source placed blame on former MBU head Roz Ho and credited new head Craig Eisler with the boy’s eventual rescue.

“Roz ignored the obvious signs there was someone living in the code,” the source said. “There were signs of nesting, old bones and scat everywhere. Craig personally coaxed that kid out of there and saved him from a life that was nothing but a constant struggle to survive.

“Oh, my god, I just realized he probably had to live with Clippy! What a horrible existence. It’s inhuman. I can’t even bring myself to think of it.”

If this child was living in Word for the Mac, one shudders to think what could be living in Word for Windows.

Microsoft declined to comment officially for this story.

We told them it would probably be their last chance but they still declined to comment.



The Mac Vs. Windows – DEATH CAGE MATCH!

For those of you who might have missed our posting earlier today, CNet’s Tom Krazit was kind enough to quote me in a piece on the whole Mac vs. Windows thing you may have heard of once or twice in the past 17 years. While we were pleased that Krazit sought the opinion of such a respected Apple publication, the piece misses several salient points of the debate, which I will now elucidate.

  • PC users usually smell like dirty sweat socks. Mac users always smell as fresh as a summer rose. If only because so many of us use Summer Rose Feminine Deodorant Spray.
  • PC users iz stoopid. Mac users iz teh smart.
  • While one often hears about how Macs are gay, simple statistics dictate that because there are more Windows users, there are more Windows users who are gay. Even if gay people are more inclined to use the Mac simply because they have a better sense of style, statistically, more gay people use Windows. So, who’s gay now? Why it is you, the Windows user who is gay. On the other hand, you do look good in those chaps. I couldn’t pull off that look, but you make it look good. Do you work out? Not that I’m hitting on you or anything. I’m not. I’m just saying if I were gay…
  • It’s a well-known fact that Windows crashes all the time and that Macs never c
  • [bong!]
  • I heard that Bill Gates spent the summer of 1978 killing hookers in Albuquerque and, if you listen closely, you can still hear their screams every time Windows boots up. Well, that’s what I heard. But it’s also possible it’s just the screams of the people who have to use Windows. Most of whom are corporate hookers which kind of brings the whole argument full circle. QED.
  • For the last time, Mac users do not believe that Steve Jobs is god! Ha-ha-ha! Don’t be foolish! That would be absurd! Preposterous! We simply believe – and this should be fairly obviously true to everyone based on the evidence at hand! – that he is Der Ubermensch, a perfectly evolved individual whose indomitable will will bring about a utopian society where Mac users and iPod users alike will live in perfect harmony with nature and their fellow Mac and iPod users. And, yes, Windows users must be purged in the flames of perdition as the leeching vermin that they are. But believing he’s god? Ha-ha! That would be silly!
  • Humorous names that Steve Ballmer has called Bill Gates include Nerdie McSweatervest, Slouchy McJuicebox, Frumpy McScrawny, Foureyes McFloodpants and Donnie Dorko. I don’t really have a point here, I just think it’s funny.

So, from the perspective of this site, we are clearly ready to leave the old Mac vs. Windows debate behind. We are so over that. Live and let live.

As long as we get the last word.

Bungie To Leave Microsoft.

Members of the Apple community are rolling in feather pillows tonight and rubbing themselves with Crisco as reports indicate that Bungie is leaving Microsoft and becoming an independent game developer again.

Despite Game Informer’s claims that Microsoft will retain first right of refusal on all future Bungie games, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources say that Bungie will return to being a Mac-first developer. This news brought a near orgasmic response from long suffering Mac gamers.

[Editor’s Note: I cut the near orgasmic response from Mac gamers. It was icky. It’s bad enough that I had to read it, I’m not going to make you read it.]

First on the menu for Bungie will be a much-awaited sequel to its once flagship title, Marathon. While many have incorrectly considered Halo to be a Marathon sequel, the true sequel will feature an entirely new engine based on Core Graphics and a OS X port of Input Sprockets and will be written only for the Mac platform. After that, Bungie will go on to write a sequel to Myth and then a prequel to Pathways Into Darkness that will actually be done with a stereopticon.

As unbelievable and an out-of-the-blue realization of a long-held pipe dream as this news seems, it’s not all. Sources also say that:

  • Your old girlfriend called and she totally wants to get back together with you.
  • Your parents weren’t lying to you when you were 5, your dog Sneakers really was taken to a farm and – guess what?! – he’s back and he wants to play frisbee! Yay!
  • Your parents breaking up when you were 12 was just a bad dream. Mommy really does love daddy. Not Rico down at the Jiffy Lube. And Daddy really likes women, particularly mommy. Not, uh… well, whatever disturbing thing it is you were told he liked on your 13th birthday. Sheep? Was it sheep? Or gophers? Sources couldn’t remember.
  • Your old girlfriend? Totally wants to do it with you and another chick. Totally.

Apple declined to comment, but CARS staff member and long-suffering Marathon gamer Masako Yamamoto has had what medical experts call “an episode.”

iPod Killer Coming Tomorrow! No, Really!

Devastating news reached the Apple world today as reports indicate that Microsoft will announce its “iPod killer” tomorrow.


Dubbed the Zune 2, the Revenge, the first update to the Zune line will feature, uh…

Flash memory.

Looks like.

“The 2 in ‘Zune 2’ is not sequential,” said blogger Robert Scoble. “It’s exponential! It’s like Zune squared! Which means Zune to the max. Maximum Zunage. Zunalicious. Zune-a-roonie. iPod killah.

“Or not. Whatever. Frankly, I’m kinda sick of this crap. I mean, they don’t even pay me anymore. I don’t know why I keep pimping their junk like some, um, pimp. An unpaid pimp.”

Analysts indicated that Microsoft’s ability to go from hard-drive to flash-based technology in just a year shows what an iPod killer the Zune 2, 3, 4, etc. are and will be forever and ever.

“An imaginary friend of mine told me that the Zunes 2 through 45 are certified iPod killers,” said John C. Dvorak. “They even have little stickers on them that say ‘Certified iPod Killer’, so you know it’s true.”

Microsoft is expected to announce its long-term commitment to the Zune platform as well as to the existence of fairies and elves.

The company will also be announcing its own line of accessories. Microsoft said it asked several third parties to make Zune accessories, but they explained they didn’t have the time because they had to wash their hair and then their shows were coming on.