5 – Prologue

5 begins… NOW!

Previously on Crazy Apple Rumors Site…

NANCY HEINEN: I love you, Ugluk, and I don’t care who knows it! Just hold me… hold me…


CHET MACGRUDER: The aliens have taken Masako’s brain and we’ve got just twenty-four hours to get it back!

JOHN MOLTZ: Whoa, whoa, don’t you mean five days?

CHET MACGRUDER: Riiiight… five days.

JOHN MOLTZ: Alright, listen up everyone! We’ve got to hit the streets… use the old shoe leather… work our sources… call in some favors… cash in our chips… round up the usual suspects… uh… root out the bad apples…

UGLUK: Me love Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen, too! Me also love Kung-Pao Shrimp. You know, me hungry. You want Chinese, Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen? Me order Chinese.

HOWARD: I’m… I’m blind. And the doctors tell me I’ll never see again.

THE ENTITY: Oh. So, I guess you haven’t seen Masako’s brain, then?

JOHN MOLTZ: …grease the wheels… skid the tracks… leave no stone unturned… uh… put the screws on ’em… er… uh… check the… uh… alleys… open those old bills… feed the parakeet… and… um… Wait… what… what were we working on again?

CHET MACGRUDER: Uh… it had something to do with Masako…

ALBERT MCMURRY: Brains… it had something to do with brains…

JOHN MOLTZ: Damn this computer game-induced short attention span!

ALBERT MCMURRY: Were we supposed to be… doing something…?

CHET MACGRUDER: What was that nice Asian woman’s name again?

JOHN MOLTZ: Will you guys shut up?! I’m never going to get through this level with you yaking!

AVIE TEVANIAN: The President has ordered us to Defcon III!

STEVE JOBS: Well, now, see, that’s exactly what I’m talking about, Avie. We don’t even report to the President. You’re such a drama queen.

AVIE TEVANIAN: I’m… I’m sorry. I thought it was important.

THE ENTITY: Hey, have you guys seen Masako’s brain?

AVIE TEVANIAN: Um… what did it look like?

STEVE JOBS: That’s it. I’m going for a soy latté. Anyone want to come with?

THE ENTITY: Oh. Really? Um… nah, I’ve gotta look for this brain and… oh, what the hell. One little latté can’t hurt.

MICHAEL DELL: Now that I’ve delivered Masako’s brain to you, give me the technology that will allow me to finally leapfrog Apple!

ALIENS: Very well… we will honor our part of the bargain. Here are the plans!

MICHAEL DELL: Oh… my… god. Soup… that can think?!

MAIN COMPUTER: Fifteen seconds to auto-destruct!

PHIL SCHILLER: Must… reach… transwarp… drive… throttle!

EVIL APPLE SEXBOT: You’ll never reach the transwarp drive throttle in time! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

VIEWER 1: Shouldn’t he be going for the auto-destruct?

VIEWER 2: Shhhhhh…

HOWARD: I’ve… I’ve got just six weeks to live, Scooter.

SCOOTER: Oh. Well, could you sign for this box full of temporary brains for Masako’s body before you go?


UGLUK: This relationship smothering Ugluk!

NANCY HEINEN: You said we’d be together forever!

UGLUK: Me say a lot of things! Me always talking: blah, blah, blah! Don’t listen to Ugluk! Me Cro-Magnon man, for Pete’s sake! What the matter with you?

JOHN MOLTZ: Is this where I use the power-up?

ALBERT MCMURRY: No, save it for the troll at the end.

THE ENTITY: Say, have you guys seen… oh, never mind.

UGLUK: Me think maybe we just need a brak.

NANCY HEINEN: You mean a break?

UGLUK: No. A brak. That what I call it. It have roast beef and cheese and onions on French bread, and it toasted so cheese just melt, but not too hot…

MASAKO’S BRAIN: Those idiots will never find me.

TOMORROW: iSight… a murder!