[The office of Dr. Emilio LaCroix]
HOWARD: Dr. LaCroix… give it to me straight.
DR. LACROIX: Howard, it’s not good. I looked at your blood work and… well, here, let’s look at the chart. You see these three bars here?
DR. LACROIX: Well, I don’t know what they are because I lost the chart key… I think it might be in my car… I think this one is… uh… riboflavin… or something… but, anyway, they’re all way higher than the ones on my blood work, and I feel pretty good.
HOWARD: But… I feel good, too!
DR. LACROIX: Oh, no, see, you can’t. These bars don’t lie, Howard. Your… uh… monosodium glutimate… maybe… is way off the chart!
HOWARD: You know… I think I’m going to get a second opinion.
DR. LACROIX: Oh. I see. Do you doubt my abilities?
HOWARD: I thought that would be pretty obvious. Particularly after how you tried to draw blood the first time.
DR. LACROIX: Well, I didn’t know you couldn’t get it out of… there.
HOWARD: Regardless, I think I’ll get a second opinion.
DR. LACROIX: OK. OK. It’s probably a good idea. I mean… I’m not even an M.D. I have a Ph.D. in Political Science. I really shouldn’t even be seeing patients.
HOWARD: I know. I wouldn’t be here but your rates were so good.
[A conference room at One Infinite Loop]
STEVE JOBS: OK, everyone here for the executive meeting?
AVIE TEVANIAN: Wait… where’s Phil?
[An alien enters wearing khakis, a polo shirt and a carboard cutout of Phil Schiller’s face]
ALIEN 4: I AM SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER.
[The Apple executives stare at him incredulously as a silence falls over the room]
SINA TAMADDON: Hi, Phil!
ALIEN 4: SILENCE, LOWER LIFE FORM! OH… UH… I MEAN… HELLO, MAMMALIAN MEAT SACK.
[The entire Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff bursts into the conference room]
THE ENTITY: That’s not Phil Schiller! It’s a hideous, bumpy-foreheaded and tentacled alien!
[The Entity yanks the Phil Schiller mask off the alien]
ALIEN 4: EEEEEEEEEEEE!
STEVE JOBS: Uh, yeah, I think we all pretty much figured that out.
SINA TAMADDON: An alien?! Oh… I mean… an alien. Sure. Sure. I knew that.
UGLUK: Hello, Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen.
NANCY HEINEN: [Icily] Hello… Ugluk.
UGLUK: Me think you still hurt about our close, intimate, personal relationship not working out, Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen.
NANCY HEINEN: I’m over the hurt, Ugluk. But I’ll never be over the love.
UGLUK: Mmm. Ugluk not know what that mean.
STEVE JOBS: Entity, where is Phil now?
THE ENTITY: We don’t know, Steve. But this wiggly alien does!
ALIEN 4: EEEEEEEEEEEE!
THE ENTITY: Stop that!
ALIEN 4: OH. SORRY.
JOHN MOLTZ: Hey! Are these the designs for a tablet Mac?!
JON RUBINSTEIN: [Hastily covering them up] Uh, noooo! Pff. No. Sheesh. No.
[A warehouse on the outskirts of Cupertino]
ALIEN 1: Bah! Our Phil Schiller replicon was a failure! I told you that wouldn’t work!
ALIEN 2: Well, how am I supposed to make an accurate Phil Schiller replicon on a $20 budget?! Huh?! Oh, screw this, I quit! I’m going to go find a job where my boss doesn’t set me up for failure!
[Alien 2 storms out]
ALIEN 1: [Calling after him] Ha! Good luck in this economy! Now we will implant the vaguely insect-like device into the real Phil Schiller and gain control of his mind!
PHIL SCHILLER: You… bastards!
ALIEN 1: Shush up, you! Now… let’s see… where to carry out the procedure… Ah, yes! Over there near that old hockey equipment!
PHIL SCHILLER: Hockey equipment, eh?
[Schiller is restrained by two aliens, but begins to surreptitiously cut his bonds on the blade of a hockey stick which is… somehow… sharp enough…]
ALIEN 1: Soon we will have the sum total of Apple’s vast marketing knowledge at our disposal! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
[As Alien 1 approaches Schiller and begins to put the vaguely insect-like device into his ear, Schiller’s bonds snap! He thrusts the aliens away!]
ALIEN 3: EEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALIEN 5: EEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALIEN 1: Look out! He’s got a hockey stick!
[Hearing the ruckus, the Evil Apple Sexbot re-enters the room]
EVIL APPLE SEXBOT: You fools! I told you he was Canadian!
[Schiller deftly high-sticks and slashes the aliens!]
PHIL SCHILLER: For the last time, [Delivering blows as he enunciates each word] I’m… not… Canadian!
[With a flourish, Schiller checks Alien 1 into the boards as the entire staff of Crazy Apple Rumors Site and all the Apple executives rush in]
STEVE JOBS: Phil! Are you OK?!
PHIL SCHILLER: Just taking out the garbage, Steve!
ALIEN 1: EEEEEEEEEEEE!
FRED ANDERSON: Why do they do that?
THE ENTITY: It’s a catch phrase. Like “Ay caramba!” or “What’s happenin’?!”
FRED ANDERSON: It’s not very… catchy.
STEVE JOBS: [To the Evil Apple Sexbot] Gloria!
ALBERT MCMURRY: Gloria?
STEVE JOBS: Oh, Gloria. How could you?!
EVIL APPLE SEXBOT: [Pouting] I can’t help it that I’m bad. I’m just built that way.
STEVE JOBS: Well, that tears it. Consider the Sexbot line cancelled!
STEVE JOBS: No, no! I won’t hear it! We’ll… release new iBooks or something. I’ll make it up to you.
THE ENTITY: [To Alien 1] Alright, Gorgox!
PHIL SCHILLER: How did you know his name?
THE ENTITY: It’s right here on his name tag.
PHIL SCHILLER: Oh. So it is.
THE ENTITY: Spill it, Gorgox! What have you done with Masako’s brain?!
ALIEN 1: Ha-ha-ha! You’re too late, Entity! Her brain is halfway to Rigel 7 by now, in the tentacles of the Grand Inquisitor!
PHIL SCHILLER: You bastards!
ALIEN 1: You say that so much its lost all meaning.
ALIEN 3: Actually, boss, the Grand Inquisitor said he was going to hit the waffle bar at the Shari’s before he left.
ALIEN 1: Your input, Karl, is not needed!
THE ENTITY: To the Shari’s! Quick, before we’re too late!
JOHN MOLTZ: I could go for a waffle…
AVIE TEVANIAN: Mmm, waffles.
Will they reach the Shari’s in time? Will Apple really cancel the Sexbot line? What’s up with Howard’s blood work? Will Schiller have to spend time in the penalty box for high sticking?
Tune in tomorrow for Act III: A Daring Rescue!