Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve been reading stories of Dell laptops that blow up. I’m currently using a Dell Inspiron and I’m just wondering, is there any way to induce that?
A: Uhhh, you mean to make your laptop blow up?
Q: Yeah.
A: Why would you want to do that?
Q: Well, obviously if my laptop blows up, then I have to go out and get a new laptop. Like a MacBook.
A: That seems like rather an expensive way to go about it. Couldn’t you just sell your existing Dell and buy a MacBook?
Q: Pff. Yes, mother, I could, but then nothing will have blown up!
A: OK, so it’s at least partly about seeing something blow up.
Q: Well, I should get something out of this.
A: Other than a new laptop.
Q: God! Why are you making this so difficult?!

Q: I have a series of AppleWorks databases that I want to migrate to MySQL. I have the database structure set up in the destination system, but I’m not sure how to best get the data out of AppleWorks. What do you recommend?
A: My friend, you are about to embark upon a journey at once exciting and dangerous. If you mean to do this… this… export… you speak of… will you have the will to see it through?
Q: Uh… I think so. What are we talking here?
A: Dark magics. The darkest magics.
Q: Oh, you say that all the time…
A: No. No. Well… yes. I do. But this time I really mean it.
Q: Sure you do.
A: No. I do. Uh… look… first you have to draw a pentagram…
Q: You know what? I’m just going to export them to ASCII and then take it from there.
A: No! No, don’t do that! You have to get a goat!
Q: Mmm, I don’t think so.
A: You must appease Gorto!
Q: Gorto will understand.

Q: Oh, man, are you gonna take that?! That bitch just totally used your toothbrush!
A: What am I supposed to do? If he wants to commit acts against Gorto it’s his funeral.
Q: Wow. Gorto’s really that strict?
A: Well… “funeral” is really sort of an exaggeration. Or a metaphor. Or maybe I”m just talking about a funeral for his data.
Q: Wait, what? He’s just going to lose his data? What the hell kind of demon god vengance is that?
A: Losing your data is no laughing matter. Unless it’s, like, some Creed MP3s or something.
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s not like the dude’s guts are going to wind up wrapped around his neck or he’s going to have scorpions for hands or… or chafing around his junk or anything. He’s probably got a backup.
A: He doesn’t have a backup. Gorto has seen to that.
Q: Gorto took his backup?
A: No. Gorto… um… left his backup CDs on the dash of his Impala. In the sun.
Q: Right. You know, I’m starting to think this Gorto’s not really that much of a badass.
A: Dude, he’s got an Impala! It don’t get any badder-assed than that!
Q: Uh-huh.

49 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. I’m trying to come up with something witty and clever, but I’m just drawing a blank.

    Even my Pantsâ„¢ are at a loss this time.
    I think my Shortsâ„¢ are out partying with Gorto, though.
    He’s just a big pushover.


  2. Gorto ate my nuclear physics data. Or at least left the tapes near a strong magnet.
    Bitch used my Twoth!brush.

  3. I have the Encyclopedia Brittanica engraved on a grain of rice, and I want to import it into my iPod so I can have “information at my fingertips.”

    How do I go about that, smarty-pants?

  4. Wait, I just checked my grain of rice with a powerful microscope, and it appears that the salesman bamboozled me. It’s only the words “Encyclopedia Brittanica,” not the actual reference work which is engraved. I can just type the two words and store it as a text file. Never mind.

  5. Best in a long while – laughed out loud.

    Or, should I say, LOL for all you computer savy people.

  6. Normally the Friday Help Desk is my least favourite CARS day. But when you use expressions like “chafing around his junk” that just makes me snigger. Presuming by “junk” you mean testicles. If you mean actual junk, like old typewriters and stuff out in the yard, then I’ll have to rethink my snigger.

  7. Well Ace Deuce, I guess you should make your rice grain explode. Then you should export the ashes to ASCII and probably leave them in the sun.

    Hope this helps!



  8. 一番だ!(ナンバ−1!)まあ、実は14番だけど…

  9. Gorto sounds like one baaaad dude, man. Tell me more about his Impala. Does it have hydraulics? Ground effect lighting? What color?

    I wish I was as bad as him. I just have a Corvair. It can jump up and down, but no one gets scared when I drive by.

  10. If they can try Slobodan Milosevic, when are the folks at the Hague going to get around to trying Bill Gates? His crimes against humanity are at least as bad as anyone in modern history! (Well, maybe Hitler was worse.) Even the Dubyah cannot begin to compare with the robber baron of the software world. He needs to be put away, or put down, or something! At least fixed so he can’t reproduce. (Imagine a bunch of Bill Juniors. Pasty-skinned little things with that haircut. iiiiieeeeeeew.) C’mon people, let’s build a little rage here! The man is a cancer that must be excised!

    Maybe Gorto can do something?

  11. I stared at a 3-D poster of dots, and saw the image. Then, out of the corner of my monitor, I saw “Friday Crap Help Desk” . . . Whoa!

    I looked at the title again, and then looked really hard, and the article has “Crazy Apple Help Desk” . . . but you gotta look real hard. It’s way cool.

    Just a pondrance. A thought. A bit of whimsy, if you will.

  12. Mr. Reasonable, you sound like a badass with an axe on his shoulder and a chip to grind and metaphors to mix.

    You need to chill, Phil.

    Or change your name to Mr. Hostile.

  13. Pants? Goats? Toothbrushes? What kind of weird cult is this? You left over from the Branch Davidians? I am surprised you don’t have some freaky fetish for Ponies! You people are sick. That’s all there is to it. You turned the volume up on your iPods too high before they added the volume limiter. Seek professional help. Quick! Either that or at least get off the Internet and quit spreading your unique brand of insanity where it can influence young impressionable minds. The idea of a Dell machine exploding! They make quality stuff!

  14. So Roadbunny can’t sleep either. Poor unfortunate brainwashed cult member. You need deprogramming. Get out before it is too late. Just walk out the door and seek out someone with a Dell computer and Windows XP – someone NORMAL! Be like everyone else. Don’t feel the need to be so different. Conform. You will find happiness and contentment. You will find a home where everyone loves and accepts you. There will be no need to ever leave. Everything you need will be provided by the munificent Mr. Gates, who has amassed billions so that he can help mankind. Follow his direction unflinchingly and you will be whole for the first time in your miserable life. Then you can sleep. Blissfully, deeply, eternally.

  15. Dear Ace (or should I call you Mr. Deuce?),

    I must apologize for my husband. He did not take his medication today.

    Have a nice day.

  16. You are a truly awful little boy with a terrible dirty mind. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself. Perhaps I should not have medicated him. I think maybe you deserve whatever he says to you. You are so disgusting! I am going to stop reading this and go watch Martha.

  17. I installed a copy of Windows XP that I accidentally found while using LimeWire for porn. Now I get all these popups saying I may be a victim of software counterfeiting. I’m all like “what?” and shit. Have I been victimized. I can’t even get updates now! So, I ended up buying a Powermac G5 and now I can LimeWire all the porn and free software like Adobe Photoshop. I even got a copy of OS 10.4 from a friend and guess what? No annoying popups about Genuine Advantage.

    Hi, my name is Pirate and I use a Mac.

  18. Apple Translation の仕掛によって変換されるこのポスト。

  19. 25番のやつってどういう意味?

  20. Cymru am Byth you bloody foreigners.

    Sorry, can I have a number 14, vegetarian spring rolls and egg fried rice please and how much?

    Right now I can say Cymru am Byth you bloody foreigners.

  21. Sir,
    I really must protest about the obnoxious racist comments on this page. Back on the Khyber in 1876, I found the Chinese to be a fine corps of disciplined fighting men and I wish they were around today. Unfortunately one conducted an unseemly relationship with a lady of ill repute so I had them all court martialled and taken out at dawn and shot.
    Disgusted Col Retd.

  22. Nxxx, it is wonderful that you are so proud of your heritage. May I ask whether you are a Welsh pony or some other sort of Welsh thing? Can you share more fine Welsh phrases with us?

    Disgusting Colonel Rtd. (Retarded?), why are you making comments about the Chinese? You should learn to recognize foreign languages. After all, one of the Mac’s key advantages over Windows is its ability to handle foreign languages. You think we could have done this so seemlessly on one of the machines of abomination?

  23. Seamlessly, not seemlessley. No seam, see? So-called journalists make this mistake often on the net, or so it seems.

    And while I’m at it, the word often intended is faze, not phase. This is not Star Trek, nor is it rocket science.

  24. I have an Impalla, but it’s one of the new ones. 2002 or some shit.
    Am I a badass? People sacrifice goats to me.
    Well they did that once. Some other people ate it too though. It was at an African restaurant. They cut it up with plantains and soaked it in this real wierd barbecue sauce. It was the shiznit. Did I spell barbecue right?

  25. Darn it. My spelling seamed correct. I guess it was just a faze I was going through. But I will press on, unphased. I am sure I can produce a seemless response if I only try harder.

  26. Grrr…

    Also, Ace Deuce misspelled Encyclopaedia Britannica. Thirty lashes with a cat o’ nine tails!

    Oy! When will we learn?

  27. Roadbunny! Ha Ha! now THAT just made me snigger.

    ** In Larry the Cable Guy voice** I don’t care who you are that’s pretty funny right there.

    Sorry Iain couldn’t help it the sniggers just snuck out.

    Must have been all the junk, chafing around and such.

    Well, in my case, more of a Packageâ„¢, really.

  28. Hey! I thought we said no real names.

    **In a guy sitting in a van wearing headphones voice** Bunny’s cover blown sarge, we gotta get ‘im outta there before the Johnidiots torch the place.

  29. Hey Psycho, how did you know that?


  30. Sir,
    Japanese pictograms are cheap copies of the original Chinese. If I had my way, I’d have them taken outside and shot.
    Disgusted Col Rtd.

  31. Well, now, they aren’t actually alphabetic, are they? I reserve that term for Greek, Roman and Cyrillic characters.

    Letterman is quite alphabetic a character, though.

  32. What’s Gorto’s last name? I think I banged his sister last night. I then used his toothbrush to clean my junk before leaving.

  33. I have it on good authority that Gorto’s “Impala” is actually a Malibu. Don’t look in the trunk, if you know what I mean.


  34. That was me, but that was not my sister. It was my wife.

    I’m hopping into the Impala right now to go over to your house and kick your ass.

    Gorto is not pleased.

  35. Yay Ponies!

    If Nxxx is a Welsh Pony I’ll have to make sure he’s on the Do Not Kill list.

  36. I always have terrible trouble with comment-related plugins that require me to put some line in the comment loop; I can never seem to find the right spot. Can anyone tell me where I should put the php line in my comments loop? I haven not modified anything much, and I would be very grateful. Thanks!

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