Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’ve been reading stories of Dell laptops that blow up. I’m currently using a Dell Inspiron and I’m just wondering, is there any way to induce that?
A: Uhhh, you mean to make your laptop blow up?
A: Why would you want to do that?
Q: Well, obviously if my laptop blows up, then I have to go out and get a new laptop. Like a MacBook.
A: That seems like rather an expensive way to go about it. Couldn’t you just sell your existing Dell and buy a MacBook?
Q: Pff. Yes, mother, I could, but then nothing will have blown up!
A: OK, so it’s at least partly about seeing something blow up.
Q: Well, I should get something out of this.
A: Other than a new laptop.
Q: God! Why are you making this so difficult?!
Q: I have a series of AppleWorks databases that I want to migrate to MySQL. I have the database structure set up in the destination system, but I’m not sure how to best get the data out of AppleWorks. What do you recommend?
A: My friend, you are about to embark upon a journey at once exciting and dangerous. If you mean to do this… this… export… you speak of… will you have the will to see it through?
Q: Uh… I think so. What are we talking here?
A: Dark magics. The darkest magics.
Q: Oh, you say that all the time…
A: No. No. Well… yes. I do. But this time I really mean it.
Q: Sure you do.
A: No. I do. Uh… look… first you have to draw a pentagram…
Q: You know what? I’m just going to export them to ASCII and then take it from there.
A: No! No, don’t do that! You have to get a goat!
Q: Mmm, I don’t think so.
A: You must appease Gorto!
Q: Gorto will understand.
Q: Oh, man, are you gonna take that?! That bitch just totally used your toothbrush!
A: What am I supposed to do? If he wants to commit acts against Gorto it’s his funeral.
Q: Wow. Gorto’s really that strict?
A: Well… “funeral” is really sort of an exaggeration. Or a metaphor. Or maybe I”m just talking about a funeral for his data.
Q: Wait, what? He’s just going to lose his data? What the hell kind of demon god vengance is that?
A: Losing your data is no laughing matter. Unless it’s, like, some Creed MP3s or something.
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s not like the dude’s guts are going to wind up wrapped around his neck or he’s going to have scorpions for hands or… or chafing around his junk or anything. He’s probably got a backup.
A: He doesn’t have a backup. Gorto has seen to that.
Q: Gorto took his backup?
A: No. Gorto… um… left his backup CDs on the dash of his Impala. In the sun.
Q: Right. You know, I’m starting to think this Gorto’s not really that much of a badass.
A: Dude, he’s got an Impala! It don’t get any badder-assed than that!