Cory Doctorow Verbally Abuses 99-Year-Old iPad User

While most took the recent story of Victoria Campbell, the 99-year old whose first computer is an iPad, as a heartwarming tale of the benefits of technology, one pundit saw the insidious effects of Apple’s closed and DRM-ridden platform.

Open source and digital rights advocate Cory Doctorow — author of not one but two screeds detailing why anyone who buys an iPad is a terrible, terrible person — flew to Lake Oswego, Ore. to personally chastise Campbell.

“Apparently Ms. Campbell is happy inside Apple’s walled garden,” Doctorow said after being ejected from the Mary’s Woods Retirement Community for haranguing the nonagenarian for a full 45 minutes on the moral imperative of open systems, digital rights and steampunk subculture.

“I hope she’s happy in the infantile world of apps only approved by Apple’s jack-booted thugs,” the author of Little Brother said. “I hope she’s happy being forced into being a content consumer instead of a content creator. And when I say ‘I hope she’s happy’ I’m being sarcastic because people like Campbell really are the worst people in the world. And that includes pedophiles.”

Doctorow believes Campbell should avail herself of any one of the numerous open systems that are just as good, just as easy to use and have just as much content as the iPad.

“I explained to her how easy it is to compile and install Debian on a steampunk casemod of a tablet built by a Japanese company I know of that’s run entirely by bloody nurse cosplayers. You have to reset some jumpers and the sound card isn’t compatible yet, but you can run GIMP on it. Try that on an iPad.

“Anyway, she pretended not to understand what I was talking about. Way to buy into the ugly stereotype of the technophobic nonagenarian with glaucoma in a nursing home, Ms. Campbell.”

The staff of Mary’s Woods was beside themselves.

“This is just awful,” said director Patricia Hershey. “We’re not sure exactly how he got in. We think he might have crawled in through a heating duct that’s only a foot and half across. Although he would have had to dislocate his shoulder in order to fit in it.”

Hershey shuddered. “The staff and the residents are all terribly frightened and confused.”

Doctorow, who will be signing copies of Little Brother at the Bloomington Linux Users Group next week, was unapologetic about his methods.

“Digital rights is the most important thing ever,” Doctorow said flatly. “Way more important than cancer or genocide or child slavery. It’s not even close. They’re like way down on the graph.

“If you are not part of the solution — which is open systems using standards-based formats that allow everyone to freely create and consume openly licensed content while wearing brass-rimmed goggles, leather dusters, tightly-laced bodices and gauntlets — then you’re part of the problem. And Virginia Campbell is part of the problem.”

Hershey said that the incident has forced her to rescind her invitation to have Doctorow conduct a dramatic reading of Little Brother next month to the residents.

“That’s just typical of an organization that promotes closed systems,” Doctorow noted, slipping a copy of Little Brother into the basket of a Mary’s Woods resident’s mobility scooter as she left the facility.

Campbell and Hershey have declined to press charges against Doctorow, stating they don’t think they could bear to listen to him testify.

“I already heard him testify for 45 of the longest minutes of my 99-year life,” Campbell said, not looking up from the poem she was inexplicably creating on her closed, proprietary and DRM-ridden iPad. “That was more than enough for me.”

[Crazy Apple Rumors Site is satire. Added for the irony-impaired who are apparently sending hate mail to Cory over this piece. Seriously, people. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell to do with you.]

119 thoughts on “Cory Doctorow Verbally Abuses 99-Year-Old iPad User”

  5. Would have got 5th but, agh, bloody nurses?
    Just what I needed before going to sleep.
    And by sleep I mean staring into the darkness and trying to breath really quietly. So the nurses won’t find me.

  7. I could totally see this happening. She would excitedly tell him she learned how to purchase a song and he would scream, “YOU BOUGHT A LICENSE TO LISTEN TO THE SONG!” and then start stomping her iPad to pieces.

  8. @Jay, you wasted #6 by complaining about not getting #5. Wait. Who cares? Lucky Seven that’s who.

    Great satire BTW.

  11. Sadly, the only difference between this and reality is that Doctorow couldn’t get to her because of the ash cloud over England. Otherwise…..

  12. “Campbell and Hershey have declined to press charges against Doctorow, stating they don’t think they could bear to listen to him testify.”

    I just laughed so loud I scared my cat.

  16. Hey, did you guys notice that “Doctorow” spelled backwards is “Worotcod”? Says a lot about him, really.

  17. This story strikes close to home for me. Literally, as Mary’s Woods is less than a mile from my house. If I were a little older and had an iPad and were a woman, it could have been me at the center of a media typhoon.

    But, noooooooo.

  18. My problem is that I feel 99 but don’t own an iPad. Abuse like that will never be mine.
    *Wanders off, sliding his Zimmer Frame, weeping.*

  19. You ave a Zimmer Frame ? Don’t you know there are some self-build wooden equivalent, brandless ? Stop nourishing the hydra of International Capitalism with your tiny petty confort !

    Bloody Nurse, huh ? That’s an argument. Ace Deuce, you can still be at the center of media typhon : go dress up and steal that iPad.
    That old wreck (huh ? I wanted to type «brave decent person of age», didn’t I) doesn’t deserve it, anyway. Not as much as you do.

    And a Shiny Nineteen, by the way.

  22. My Pantsâ„¢ are a bit concerned that they’re not Open Source.
    I personally don’t think it’s a problem….

  23. 23. Although I am rather relying on the rest of you for that.

    How come a 99 year-old writes better powims that what me does?

    How rude.

  25. Moltz must have overworked his thesaurus on this post. Either that, or Doctorow ghost-wrote it for him.

    At least Moltz isn’t shilling the book…

  26. Did anyone else use to call it a ‘theseosaurus’?

    Like it was some kind of prehistoric literovore?

    …

    Actually, that would be kind of cool.

  27. I couldn’t agree more, @Huh? I mean, who wants to be walking around in public with their Source Open?

    Don’t ANYBODY answer that!

  35. Since when didn’t it really matter what the hell people use as a computer? Since when was it so important what OS you use? I mean come on, I use Apple, PC and personal built computers and they all do the same thing: make me happy. As long as I can edit photos, go on the internet and downlaod programs I’m happy. Who picks on an old lady anyway? People are stupid, that man is stupid and to be quite honest all this technology is what has done this. We are all fat, lazy and stupid because of computers and gaming units. Get off your asses and get a life away from the internet. Save yourself before you lose touch.

    p.s. the iPad is stupid. It’s just an iTouch/iPhone on steroids. There is really nothing that amazing about it. It’s stupid just like everyone who fights about what kind of computer/OS is better.

  40. I can just imagine what Corey might say about this, but actually I’d be more interested in what John has to say about it.

  41. How did Amanda know I’m fat, lazy, and stupid?

    Has she been stalking me?

    I mean, it wouldn’t be that hard. I hardly move these days, except from sofa to fridge to hobbit-themed dungeon.

    But still…

  42. “Seriously, people. Sometimes I don’t know what the hell to do with you.”

    I understand. We don’t know what the hell to do with us either.

  44. This has to be an April fools joke. But sadly I think i know people like this. He must be atleast in his 70’s. All reason has gone from his brain.

  45. UK satirical magazine ‘Private Eye’ has an amusing send up of the Pad or iBad as it is referred to.

  50. Ah, the man who lured “respected pundits” into attacking Artie MacStrawman must tread carefully! Your powers are mighty. Use them wisely!

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