Apple Revokes Panic Developer License

Apple has quietly revoked the developer license of long-time Mac and iOS software maker Panic, known for award-winning applications such as Transmit and widely praised games like Firewatch.

Panic co-founder Cabel Sasser said “We are attempting to contact Apple for more information. For the time being, customers can still install our apps on the Mac by allowing them to be installed as unsigned. We apologize for any inconvenience and we hope to have this situation, which we assume to be a misunderstanding, sorted out soon.”

Sources within Apple, however, indicate Panic may have a larger problem than it realizes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company’s license was pulled at the behest of none other than the Chinese government. China has recently flexed its muscle with U.S. firms — from the NBA to other software developers — and apparently objects to one recent Panic app in particular.

“Untitled Goose Game represents a clear and present threat to Chinese sovereignty,” said Yang Cheung, a spokesperson for the Chinese government.

Gesturing to a video of Untitled Goose Game gameplay, Cheung explained.

“The goose is a lawless force of rampant anti-nationalism. It encourages violence against the state and disrespects authority.”

“Look at him!” Cheung said. “He is disgraceful! The gardener is hard-working, a paragon of agricultural values. And what does the goose do? He steals his rake! He steals his radio, so he cannot listen to China National broadcasts. He locks him out of the garden, denying him of his livelihood! The goose is obviously a counter-revolutionary bent on nothing but anarchy.”

“He even steals the bell, which is used to ring out the victory of the people over the enemies of the state. Assuming you can figure out how to get into the model town area, which I found to be unnecessarily difficult.”

“Also, we don’t like the name ‘Panic’. It seems intended to cause unrest within the citizenry.”

Apple has so far declined to comment on the license revocation, but it did pull at its collar with one finger and grimace uncomfortably.

Apple identifies cause of MacBook keyboard problems

Ahead of tomorrow’s iPhone event, Apple has issued a blog post in which it attempts to lay to rest the controversy over keyboard woes associated with its MacBook line.

Much like its recent response to Google over the company’s release of details regarding an exploit of iOS, Apple has a pointed response to those who have complained about MacBook keyboards.

After months of research into complaints about butterfly keyboards on the 2016-2019 MacBook Pro and 2018 and 2019 MacBook Air, we have reached a conclusion. Complaints can uniformly be traced back to a single cause: excessive nose-picking by the user as they used the device.

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio was unequivocal.

“We investigated each and every case where a complaint was filed about MacBook keyboards and found that in each one the user was a dirty nose-picker.”

According Riccio, dried or wet mucus material falling from the noses of these filthy users would become lodged under the keys creating a viscous material that rendered keys inoperative. Riccio stressed the scientific rigor with which Apple approached the issue.

“We really did a deep dive. Much like the deep nasal diving these disgusting people were doing while leaning over their keyboards.”

Apple declined to release the data behind its findings, but Riccio said it was eye-opening for him.

“Some of the nose-picking was because of a condition but so much of it was simply recreational. There was just a ludicrous amount of nose-picking going on. Some users were even picking each nostril with both hands at the same time. They weren’t even typing. One guy was picking the left nostril with his right hand and his right nostril with his left hand. I didn’t even know that was possible.

“I mean, I don’t have to do my own nose-picking, of course. I have a guy. But, still.”

Riccio shook his head grimly.

“Savages. Just savages.”

Noted butterfly keyboard hater Marco Arment shot back at Apple.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t picked my nose since 1992,” Arment said. “And yet every butterfly MacBook keyboard I’ve used has exploded on contact. Explain that.”

This argument may soon be moot as Apple is widely expected to be replacing the butterfly mechanism in the next generation of MacBooks. Sources close to Apple’s laptop engineering team tell CARS that Apple next-generation keyboard will feature a tantalizing new key mechanism known as “fairy wings”.

Hairplay

You know how dour Jony Ive’s always been in his picture on the Apple executives page? Well, I finally figured out how to put a smile on his face.

A crappy Photoshop job? Well, yeah, OK, yes. But what’s really making Jony happy in this picture is this: I gave him Craig Federighi’s hair. I mean, that would make any guy happy. (With the possible exception of Chris Breen.)

Check it out.

Because I'm Happy

So happy! Strangely, bizarrely happy. Unnaturally happy. But, regardless, he’s finally happy. This has been bugging me for years. Now I just need to get someone at Apple to upload that to the page. I don’t expect any trouble with that.

I know what you’re saying, though. “What about Federighi?! You can’t take away hair like that!” Relax. Don’t worry. I’ve got him covered. I gave him Angela Ahrendts’ hair.

Feeling bromantic

See? No problem.

The only problem is, uh, I haven’t figure out what to do about Ahrendts.

I’m thinking about buying her a hat.

Bob Mansfield’s review

Startling news has been passed to CARS that sheds a new light on Senior Vice President of Technologies Bob Mansfield‘s status with the company. It had previously been announced that Mansfield would be retiring but after Scott Forstall’s ouster, Mansfield was given a new position. This transcript of Mansfield’s recent annual review with CEO Tim Cook reveals, however, that Manfield’s change of heart may have had nothing to do with Forstall.

COOK: Hey, Bob! Come on in!

MANSFIELD: Hello, Tim.

COOK: Wow, hard to believe it’s that time of year again, right?

MANSFIELD: You mean spring?

COOK: Well, yeah, I guess so.

MANSFIELD: As if spring has some kind of special significance for me?

COOK: Uh…

MANSFIELD: Like, oh, Bob’s been hibernating all winter and we hold his review every spring because that’s when he wakes up?

COOK: No, that’s not what I…

[Apple Senior Vice President of Human Resources Joel Podolny enters.]

PODOLNY: Sorry I’m late.

COOK: Why… why are you here, Joel?

PODOLNY: Ah. Yes. Well, Tim… Bob here has asked me to be present for this.

COOK: Oh, come on…

PODOLNY: No, no. This is his right as an employee and Bob has some… concerns… about comments that you’ve made in previous reviews that, uh, give the appearance that his racial status might be affecting your ability to provide an impartial assessment of his performance.

COOK: His racial status? You mean the fact that he’s a bear?

MANSFIELD: Oh, heeeere we go…

PODOLNY: Tim, please! You are not allowed to mention Bob’s racial status, whatever that may be! You’re also not allowed to make reference to anything that might be seen as judgemental of his culture.

COOK: Oh, so I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he messily devoured a live salmon during a staff meeting?

PODOLNY: Tim!

COOK: I’m not allowed to mention the fact that he bathes in the fountain outside?

PODOLNY: No. [reads] “Under the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Act for Ursine-Americans, managers are not allowed to mention anything that might be construed as a reference to an employee’s status as an ursine-American.”

COOK: I’m still not sure that’s a real piece of legislation. But isn’t just mentioning the name of that Act a reference to Bob’s status as…

PODOLNY: Possible status!

COOK: [sigh] …possible status as an ursine-American?

PODOLNY: Please, Tim, why don’t we just start going through the review? I think that’s what we all came here for, isn’t it?

COOK: Well, we can do that, I guess, but…

[Mansfield slowly removes a jar of honey from inside his jacket while staring at Cook.]

COOK: But… uh, I’m not sure how far we’re going to get.

[Mansfield slowly opens jar, still staring intently at Cook as if challenging him to say something about what he’s doing]

COOK: Um… there’s just a few things in here I’m not sure how to talk about without it seeming… uh…

MANSFIELD: What? Bearist?

[Mansfield sticks his entire hand into the jar and spoons a gigantic wad of honey into his mouth, dripping it everywhere, defiantly staring at Cook.]

COOK: Uh… yeaaah. The thing is, though, many of them are listed under “strengths”! Like literally, your strength.

PODOLNY: Tim…

COOK: People like Bob! They like his… culture. They like it when he scratches his back against a door jam or rolls around on the grass when it’s sunny! He keeps the coyotes away!

MANSFIELD: Oh, that’s nice. And it’s nice how Asians are so good at math, isn’t it, Tim?!

COOK: That’s not what I… ugh. OK, look…

PODOLNY: Tim, you’re just digging yourself in deeper.

MANSFIELD: It’s just lucky for you that everyone thinks it was because of Forstall that I was leaving. Because if word got out about your prejudice in the current climate…

PODOLNY: I would like to point out that Bob is not threatening to tell anyone that.

MANSFIELD: I came back because I wanted to give you a second chance, Tim. But you haven’t changed. You’re still making this an issue in spite of yourself! I’ve had plenty of offers, Tim! And I’ll tell you, the thought of working at BlackBerry always seemed like a joke before, but Canadians know how to treat someone like me!

[Mansfield storms out]

COOK: So, he’s allowed to say Canadians know how to treat a bear but I’m not allowed… oh, forget it.

PODOLNY: [shaking his head] Tim, Tim… This is a lawsuit in the making.

COOK: Well, see if he’ll settle for a few flats of raspberries.

PODOLNY: Jesus, Tim. That is not cool.

COOK: [calls to his assistant] Hey, Trevor? Can we get someone to clean up this honey? And get me a scotch or something.