Yes, it’s time for another in our series of fabulous interviews with Apple luminaries!
Glaarku! You know he’s inhabiting Steve Jobs’ body, but what makes this guy tick?!
Some say it’s an intestinal disorder! Let’s find out!
And, yes, we are going to beat this Glaarku thing all week long! So… get on the Glaarku train or get out of the way!
CARS: Glaarku, first of all, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with us.
GLAARKU: I AM MIGHTY.
CARS: Uhhhhhh… huh. OK. Kind of a non-sequitur, but… Anyway, let’s get inside Glaarku for a minute. What people want to know more about… Glaarku… is… eating souls. How does that work… exactly?
GLAARKU: WORK?
CARS: Yeah. I mean… how do you extract someone’s immortal soul from their body and consume it? Is there ectoplasm involved? Does it involve any equipment? Who cleans up afterward?
GLAARKU …
CARS: Well?
GLAARKU: I AM GLAARKU!
CARS: Mmm. Yes. And it seems you are also evading the question.
GLAARKU: GLAARKU EVADES NOTHING! GLAARKU IS ALL-POWERFUL! I DO NOT FEAR! I AM FEAR ITSELF!
CARS: I see. So… you’re saying… if I may paraphrase… you just don’t know how you actually go about eating souls.
GLAARKU: UM… NO. NOT SPECIFICALLY. A MINION MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED IT TOO ME ONCE BUT IT’S KIND OF COMPLICATED AND… UM… I WAS WATCHING TRADING SPACES AT THE TIME SO I WASN’T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION…
CARS: OK, well, you could have just said that. It would have saved us some time.
GLAARKU: WELL… IT JUST… YOU KNOW… YOU MIGHT NOT GUESS IT BUT I’M KIND OF A PRIVATE PERSON. PLUS, IT JUST DOESN’T LOOK GOOD. I SHOULD KNOW THAT.
CARS: Let’s just move on, shall we? More about you… Glaarku. So. Tell me. What gets Glaarku up in the morning?
GLAARKU: MMM. WELL, IT USED TO BE ALL ABOUT DEVOURING SOULS. YOU KNOW… WHEN AM I GOING TO GET MY NEXT SOUL… GOTTA GET ME SOME SOULS… OOOH, SHE’S REALLY HOT, I’D LIKE TO EAT HER SOUL… BUT NOW THAT I’M INHABITING STEVE JOBS, I’M THRILLED TO BE CONTRIBUTING TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE DIGITAL LIFESTYLE. THE MAC AND OS X AND THE IPOD AND ITUNES TRULY REPRESENT A WAVE OF INNOVATION THAT’S MADE ITS WAY INTO PEOPLES’ LIVES LIKE FEW OTHERS BEFORE IT. I’M EXCITED TO BE A PART OF THIS. IT’S REALLY TURNED MY LIFE AROUND.
CARS: Huh. Really?
GLAARKU: UM… NO. ACTUALLY, IT’S STILL ABOUT EATING SOULS. I HAVE… A PROBLEM. I’M ADDICTED TO SOULS. I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF! THEY’RE SO GOOD! YOU’RE ALL LIKE FLESHY, SOUL-FILLED PIÑATAS JUST WALKING AROUND! OH, MY GOD, YOU ALL LOOK SO GOOD I COULD JUST EAT YOU RIGHT UP! LITERALLY!
CARS: That was enlightening. I really felt you open up there.
GLAARKU: THANKS. THAT FELT GOOD.
CARS: Now it’s time for the lightning round!
GLAARKU: UH-OH!
CARS: I’ll say a word and you say whatever comes into your mind! Ready?
GLAARKU: YES!
CARS: Pancreas.
GLAARKU: APPETIZER!
CARS: Hot.
GLAARKU: ACTION!
CARS: Ha-ha! I guess demon gods put their pants on one leg at a time, too!
GLAARKU: CONTINUE!
CARS: Sorry. Uh… spigot!
GLAARKU: ANTIETAM!
CARS: Huh! Wow. OK. Uh… baloney!
GLAARKU: SUPPOSITORY!
CARS: Uhhh…. huh.
GLAARKU: THAT… WAS A FRATERNITY PRANK. I… DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
CARS: It’s just as well as that’s all the time we have today. I want to thank our guest, Glaarku, for being on Inside The Apple Studio.
GLAARKU: MY PLEASURE.
CARS: Please join us next week when our guest will be Phil Schiller’s pool guy!
CARS: That was great.
GLAARKU: Oh, good!
CARS: Absolutely. Much better than Andy Ihnatko. So… tell me… what’s Steve really like?
GLAARKU: Well… kind of like chicken, actually.