Apple Execs Increasingly Worried About Tim Cook

After a number of tweets from Tim Cook over the past month, other executives at Apple have grown increasingly worried about the company’s CEO.

Three weeks ago Cook posted the following tweet without explanation.

Many assumed Cook would be following up with an announcement of record Apple services revenue, a new initiative in services revenue or some kind of services bundling deal, but no announcement was forthcoming.

Then, a week later, Cook tweeted:

As one of Cook’s go-to phrases on Apple’s quarterly conference calls with analysts, many did not take it as particularly odd, other than the capitalization indicating that he was shouting it.

Then things got weird.

On June 15th Cook tweeted:

This prompted a scramble within Apple PR and Legal as teams fielded questions from journalists and government officials while Cook was reportedly golfing, an activity no one knew he undertook.

Finally, things came to a head yesterday.

On a group video call late Tuesday, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, Senior Vice President and General Counsel Katherine Adams and Senior Vice President of Retail and People Deirdre O’Brien shared their concerns.

“What the actual hell?” Adams asked as the three joined the call.

“I don’t know,” an exasperated Schiller said.

“Do you think he meant ‘Mac fever’?” O’Brien asked.

“I have no idea!” Schiller shouted. “He’s totally off book here! And golf? That’s my thing! Everyone knows that!”

“Did he look sort” Adams hesitated. “You know… bronzed… on the last call we were on?”

“YESSS,” O’Brien exclaimed, her eyes widening.

“Oh, my god, totally,” Schiller added.

The executives vowed to keep an eye on Cook and keep notes on his increasingly erratic behavior in case they wanted to write a tell-all book on working with him after leaving Apple.

Apple Glasses Already Here

Competing rumors regarding Apple’s AR glasses have come out in recent weeks, creating a game of one-upmanship in the rumorsphere.

In mid-May, Ming-Chi Kuo reported that Apple Glasses were coming in 2022 at the earliest. A week later, Jon Prosser said nah, sorry, brah, Apple Glasses are coming in 2021 and will look like Steve Jobs’ iconic glasses because putting AR into wire rims is easy.

After extensive interviews with no less than 209 and a half sources that are in, around, and in one case under Apple, some in the supply chain, some hiding in the bushes outside Tim Cook’s house, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple Glasses are not shipping in 2021, nor are they shipping in 2022.


Because Apple Glasses are already here.

And you’re wearing them right now.

According to our research, Apple’s AR glasses shipped in the summer of 2019, just after WWDC. The reason no one remembers that they bought them and are wearing them right now is Apple’s next-generation reality augmentation.

“Our goal is to make the buying process as painless as possible,” said Apple Vice President of Product Marketing Greg Joswiak, who spoke to us for some reason. “We found that with the prices of our products, the most painful part was when the customer thinks ‘Oh, god, what did I just do?’ right after clicking ‘purchase’.”

“So we removed that,” Joswiak said. “Now you can buy Apple products without the worry. In fact, you already are.”

Shocked Apple customer Jeff Clement seemingly confirmed Joswiak’s assertion.

“I don’t know where all this came from,” Clement said, “but I’m suddenly up to my ass in iPads, HomePods and Mac Pro wheels. I’m broke but somehow I’m not worried about it. I feel kinda great. These things really work.”

Given the current state of world affairs, Apple is hopeful that it can roll out the feature for other events than just purchasing the company’s devices.

“From presidential elections to global health concerns, Apple Glasses will make the hurting go away. If you don’t have Apple Glasses, you’re going to want them,” Joswiak said.

When asked how a user would know if they should get them when, if they did have them, they would not know they did, Joswiak smiled.

“That’s the beauty of it,” he said. “You’ll just keep buying them and buying them. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

At that point we figured the interview was over and ended the Zoom session.

More on this late-breaking story as it unfolds but we don’t know that it’s actually unfolding.

Apple Revokes Panic Developer License

Apple has quietly revoked the developer license of long-time Mac and iOS software maker Panic, known for award-winning applications such as Transmit and widely praised games like Firewatch.

Panic co-founder Cabel Sasser said “We are attempting to contact Apple for more information. For the time being, customers can still install our apps on the Mac by allowing them to be installed as unsigned. We apologize for any inconvenience and we hope to have this situation, which we assume to be a misunderstanding, sorted out soon.”

Sources within Apple, however, indicate Panic may have a larger problem than it realizes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company’s license was pulled at the behest of none other than the Chinese government. China has recently flexed its muscle with U.S. firms — from the NBA to other software developers — and apparently objects to one recent Panic app in particular.

“Untitled Goose Game represents a clear and present threat to Chinese sovereignty,” said Yang Cheung, a spokesperson for the Chinese government.

Gesturing to a video of Untitled Goose Game gameplay, Cheung explained.

“The goose is a lawless force of rampant anti-nationalism. It encourages violence against the state and disrespects authority.”

“Look at him!” Cheung said. “He is disgraceful! The gardener is hard-working, a paragon of agricultural values. And what does the goose do? He steals his rake! He steals his radio, so he cannot listen to China National broadcasts. He locks him out of the garden, denying him of his livelihood! The goose is obviously a counter-revolutionary bent on nothing but anarchy.”

“He even steals the bell, which is used to ring out the victory of the people over the enemies of the state. Assuming you can figure out how to get into the model town area, which I found to be unnecessarily difficult.”

“Also, we don’t like the name ‘Panic’. It seems intended to cause unrest within the citizenry.”

Apple has so far declined to comment on the license revocation, but it did pull at its collar with one finger and grimace uncomfortably.

Apple identifies cause of MacBook keyboard problems

Ahead of tomorrow’s iPhone event, Apple has issued a blog post in which it attempts to lay to rest the controversy over keyboard woes associated with its MacBook line.

Much like its recent response to Google over the company’s release of details regarding an exploit of iOS, Apple has a pointed response to those who have complained about MacBook keyboards.

After months of research into complaints about butterfly keyboards on the 2016-2019 MacBook Pro and 2018 and 2019 MacBook Air, we have reached a conclusion. Complaints can uniformly be traced back to a single cause: excessive nose-picking by the user as they used the device.

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio was unequivocal.

“We investigated each and every case where a complaint was filed about MacBook keyboards and found that in each one the user was a dirty nose-picker.”

According Riccio, dried or wet mucus material falling from the noses of these filthy users would become lodged under the keys creating a viscous material that rendered keys inoperative. Riccio stressed the scientific rigor with which Apple approached the issue.

“We really did a deep dive. Much like the deep nasal diving these disgusting people were doing while leaning over their keyboards.”

Apple declined to release the data behind its findings, but Riccio said it was eye-opening for him.

“Some of the nose-picking was because of a condition but so much of it was simply recreational. There was just a ludicrous amount of nose-picking going on. Some users were even picking each nostril with both hands at the same time. They weren’t even typing. One guy was picking the left nostril with his right hand and his right nostril with his left hand. I didn’t even know that was possible.

“I mean, I don’t have to do my own nose-picking, of course. I have a guy. But, still.”

Riccio shook his head grimly.

“Savages. Just savages.”

Noted butterfly keyboard hater Marco Arment shot back at Apple.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I haven’t picked my nose since 1992,” Arment said. “And yet every butterfly MacBook keyboard I’ve used has exploded on contact. Explain that.”

This argument may soon be moot as Apple is widely expected to be replacing the butterfly mechanism in the next generation of MacBooks. Sources close to Apple’s laptop engineering team tell CARS that Apple next-generation keyboard will feature a tantalizing new key mechanism known as “fairy wings”.


You know how dour Jony Ive’s always been in his picture on the Apple executives page? Well, I finally figured out how to put a smile on his face.

A crappy Photoshop job? Well, yeah, OK, yes. But what’s really making Jony happy in this picture is this: I gave him Craig Federighi’s hair. I mean, that would make any guy happy. (With the possible exception of Chris Breen.)

Check it out.

Because I'm Happy

So happy! Strangely, bizarrely happy. Unnaturally happy. But, regardless, he’s finally happy. This has been bugging me for years. Now I just need to get someone at Apple to upload that to the page. I don’t expect any trouble with that.

I know what you’re saying, though. “What about Federighi?! You can’t take away hair like that!” Relax. Don’t worry. I’ve got him covered. I gave him Angela Ahrendts’ hair.

Feeling bromantic

See? No problem.

The only problem is, uh, I haven’t figure out what to do about Ahrendts.

I’m thinking about buying her a hat.