Ahead of tomorrowâ€™s iPhone event, Apple has issued a blog post in which it attempts to lay to rest the controversy over keyboard woes associated with its MacBook line.
Much like its recent response to Google over the companyâ€™s release of details regarding an exploit of iOS, Apple has a pointed response to those who have complained about MacBook keyboards.
After months of research into complaints about butterfly keyboards on the 2016-2019 MacBook Pro and 2018 and 2019 MacBook Air, we have reached a conclusion. Complaints can uniformly be traced back to a single cause: excessive nose-picking by the user as they used the device.
Reached for comment, Apple Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Dan Riccio was unequivocal.
â€œWe investigated each and every case where a complaint was filed about MacBook keyboards and found that in each one the user was a dirty nose-picker.â€
According Riccio, dried or wet mucus material falling from the noses of these filthy users would become lodged under the keys creating a viscous material that rendered keys inoperative. Riccio stressed the scientific rigor with which Apple approached the issue.
â€œWe really did a deep dive. Much like the deep nasal diving these disgusting people were doing while leaning over their keyboards.â€
Apple declined to release the data behind its findings, but Riccio said it was eye-opening for him.
â€œSome of the nose-picking was because of a condition but so much of it was simply recreational. There was just a ludicrous amount of nose-picking going on. Some users were even picking each nostril with both hands at the same time. They werenâ€™t even typing. One guy was picking the left nostril with his right hand and his right nostril with his left hand. I didnâ€™t even know that was possible.
â€œI mean, I donâ€™t have to do my own nose-picking, of course. I have a guy. But, still.â€
Riccio shook his head grimly.
â€œSavages. Just savages.â€
Noted butterfly keyboard hater Marco Arment shot back at Apple.
â€œAnyone who knows me knows that I havenâ€™t picked my nose since 1992,â€ Arment said. â€œAnd yet every butterfly MacBook keyboard Iâ€™ve used has exploded on contact. Explain that.â€
This argument may soon be moot as Apple is widely expected to be replacing the butterfly mechanism in the next generation of MacBooks. Sources close to Appleâ€™s laptop engineering team tell CARS that Apple next-generation keyboard will feature a tantalizing new key mechanism known as â€œfairy wingsâ€.