Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I recently purchased a brand-spanking-new MacBook Pro and, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but these puppies run a little hot. I use this thing on my lap a lot and, frankly, I’m a little concerned about my… my…
A: Your area.
Q: My region.
A: Your stuff.
Q: My junk.
A: Your package.
Q: My lunch meat.
A: Your salad box.
Q: My… wait. What?
A: Uh… your crate of comic books?
Q: …
A: Um, your bag of take-out?
Q: Well, that’s… close. I guess. I was more thinking of something like “my stack of media.”
A: Ooh, that’s a good one. Can I use that one?
Q: Can we get back to my problem?
A: Oh, yeah. Just get a Podium Pad or something.
Q: That’ll protect my pork larder?
A: Uh… we are talking about your groin, right?

Q: I bought a PowerBook for my home business last year and I was looking to upgrade the RAM.
A: That’s a good idea. You can never have too much RAM.
Q: Yeah. So, I thought about taking it in to the Apple Store, but thought, heck, how hard could it be? So I ordered some RAM online and installed it myself.
A: Excellent! You don’t need some dandy with a troll patch putting his manicured fingers all over your PowerBook!
Q: Uh… yeah. Anyway, while I was in there I noticed that there was a whole bunch of dust bunnies and crumbs and bacon bits and crap. So, I bought some compressed air and I blew it all out…
A: Of course you did!
Q: Uh… yeah!
A: Like men do!
Q: It was just a little compressed air…
A: Which you blew in a most manly fashion!
Q: Well, I’m a guy. I’m not sure I can blow compressed air any other way.
A: Ah-ha-ha! Men!
Q: Uh… yeah. Uh… what?
A: Men!
Q: I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

Q: I’m an avid scrapbooker and I’ve been looking for applications and peripherals for the Mac that will support my scrapbooking hobby.
A: Oh, I’ve heard of that. You print out pictures and you put them together in a book with borders and keepsakes and stuff.
Q: Yes. Only I specifically scrapbook all the stupid things people around me do.
A: Uh… you…
Q: So, for example, my husband was putting dishes into the dishwasher the other day and he was putting the forks in with the tines up so you’d, like, stab yourself when you went to get them out. I mean, what is he, an idiot?
A: Well…
Q: So, I took a couple of pictures of him and then printed them on my Epson printer and cut them out and put them in some cut-out construction paper in a scrapbook.
A: You… create angry scrapbooks.
Q: Yeah. So, anyway, what I really want is to be able to create my own papers. Like, backgrounds, patterns and stuff.
A: Uh, you know, I gotta say… I don’t think you should be questioning your peripherals. I think you should be questioning why you’re angry scrapbooking.
Q: Oh, you are making me so mad. I am so going to scrapbook the hell out of this.
A: What… what are you doing?
Q: I’m taking your picture. I think with your stupid skin tone a spring color would make a good background. Maybe a green or a yellow.
A: Uh, you don’t find this a strange juxtaposition?
Q: No. Stupid… stupid.

26 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  4. I have Salma Hayek on my lap a lot and, frankly, I’m a little concerned about my… my…

  9. Why is it, whenever there’s a brand new MacBook Pro, there is spanking involved???

  10. John,
    I proposed you for an Order of the British Empire in Her Britannic Majesty’s Birthday Honours List.

    You appear to have been black balled on the grounds that you regularly criticise that nice, soon to retire, William Gates Esq. I have been assured that if you restrain your criticism, you will receive favourable consideration in the 2007 New Year Honours List.

    Of course you could make a sizeable contribution to one of our political parties and gain a Peerage.

  12. Hasn’t anybody told that guy that he shouldn’t use a MacBook Pro on his lap naked?!?

    …and 12th

    …and meow

  13. I dno…. I mean isn’t the only reason we own laptops to put them on our laps and do high level video editing so as too umm get the hardrive “spinning up”….

    No thats just me…..

    wow ok…

    So, umm yeah…. How bout that heat huh???

  14. I dno…. I mean isn’t the only reason we own laptops to put them on our laps and do high level video editing so as too umm get the hardrive “spinning up”….

    No thats just me…..

    wow ok…

    So, umm yeah…. How bout that pork larder huh???

  16. That’s nothing.

    I hear if you put a PC on your lap, the sheer vibrational force tears open your pants,
    it traps your “stack of media” in its CD drive,
    gives it an STD (Which your over-priced virus checker will never pick up),
    makes 13 copies of it (which you’ll never find because the system acts like they never existed,
    finally it sends out duplicates to various internet websites, and everyone in your address book.

    If you try rebooting all you’ll get is the “Non-System Disk or Disk Error. Replace and strike any key when ready.” Which you can never get rid of since your laptop has your pork larder stuck inside it.

    oh, and it also reformats your underpants.

    and… uh… I’m not speaking from experience. It happened to a friend of a friend of a PC owner.

    *rubs groin tenderly, but not in a dirty way, since I know you were all thinking that… sickos*

  17. Groin area computing has long been a problem. I knew someone in the early sixties who had an accident while doing calculations with a slide rule.

  19. angry scrapbooking! pure genius. That deserves a webpage or something…maybe a few angry scrapbooking supply vendors.
    pure genius

  25. Your area, region, stuff, junk, package, lunch meat, salad box, crate of comic books, bag of take-out, stack of media, pork larder.

    Damn this shit is classic. Taking notes now – gotta find a way to use “stack of media” this way in conversation!

    Hey, is that a stack of media in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

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