10:00 AM – Coverage begins NOW! Hot and saucy, just the way you likes it! This post will be in reverse order [Editor: since reversed to make it readable.] to keep you up-to-date on how many bottles of that Apple-branded water Jobs has consumed.
Forget the stock options. How much is Apple spending to keep Jobs in fancy water?
Please note that earlier plans to provide coverage entirely in pig latin have been CANCELED.
Canceled.
Anceled-cay.
Not gonna do it.
10:03 AM – BREAKING!
CARS is confirming MacNN‘s breaking news that
Attendees are being asked to shift to the center of the seating rows.
That is CONFIRMED.
Attendees are also being asked to arrange themselves so the tall ones are in the back and the short ones are in front.
10:15 AM – Jobs is talking about the conference stats. 1000 Apple engineers are here. One for every 4 attendess.
More startling, however, is the 1 to 1 booth babe ratio.
And, without further ado… SCHILLERMANIA!!!
10:20 AM – Schiller’s introducing the Mac Pro. It’s an all dual-core unit that will give you a woodie.
What did he say?
Oh. “Woodcrest.”
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.
Holds up to 4 internal drives FOR ALL THE PORN IN THE WORLD!
OK, not really, but a lot of porn.
Case design is relatively the same, but the inside is all-new.
Strangely, he adds “The outside is also all-new.” Then he pauses, looks at the audience and raises his eyebrows several times.
But… it’s kinda not.
No one’s sure what he’s getting at there.
10:25 AM – Ooooh, 3.0 GHz.
FINALLY.
Sheesh.
Uh… “Yay”?
Whatever, Apple.
Says the Intel transition took 210 days to complete, “faster than anybody else.”
What?
Who else was there? Are we talking alternate universe Apples here?
10:30 AM – New Xserves. 5x faster than previous models. 1 billion times faster than “doing it by hand.”
Oookay. Well, I hope they don’t do a bake-off of that. I’ve got a flight back home in a couple of days.
OK, Steve’s back to talk about software.
Oh, Bertrand Serlet is puttin’ the BEAT DOWN on Vista! Oh, Steve Ballmer, I do believe that French bitch just used your toothbrush!
BOO-YAH!
10:35 AM – Leopard
64-bit app support for apps.
128-bit support for widgets.
Huh. That’s weird.
Time Machine – integrated backup facility. Jobs says “So you little sissies don’t have to go whining to your mommas when you loose your pwecious data-ums.”
Man, that guy really has an attitude, doesn’t he?
The bad thing is, Time Machine only backs up to floppies, so you need to go out and buy a whole shitload of floppies, like, right now.
10:45 AM – And, of course, Time Machine features a whole bunch of cycle-sucking eye candy that you KNOW you gots to get yourself some of! You know you want it, baby! You want it bad!
You’re just an eye-candy whore! Admit it! You’d do anything for the eye candy!
You’re addicted! Like some cheap prostitute on crack who keeps crawling back to your sugar daddy, Steve Jobs!
You disgust me.
Speaking of eye candy, Steve’s now talking about Spaces, a new virtual desktop environment that will put all the other virtual desktop environments out of business.
Kinda surprised Arlo Rose wasn’t working on one.
Eh, for all I know, maybe he was.
10:55 AM – Spotlight can search other machines now. VP of platform experience Scott Forstall says “We want it to be a great app launcher.”
He says he also wanted it to be a magical pony that would come when he called it and would always be his bestest friend forever and ever, but Apple engineers told him that wasn’t possible.
He says they told him that ponies grow up to be horses and then they get old and sick and they have to be shot between the eyes by a sweaty ranch hand out back behind the barn when the kids are at the fair.
Now he’s crying.
Boy, this is really uncomfortable.
Schiller’s trying to console him.
Jeez… I…
Wait…
Ponies don’t grow up to be horses.
Colts grow up to be horses. Ponies are just ponies.
What the fuck?
11:05 AM – OK, Steve’s back. He’s talking about Core Animation.
He says “Your graphics card just went obsolete.”
Oh, great.
Leopard does braille support and closed captions for QuickTime.
And there’s nothing funny to be said about that.
OK?
So just shut up, Rudy.
Mail to feature big enhancements.
“For all you ass clowns who switched to fucking Ubuntu because we made you have to use an export utility to move your mailbox to another application – like your mail is sooooooo important, Cory Doctorow – well, you douche bags can just kiss my…”
Well…
He’s just kind of going on like that.
11:15 AM – Apple’s delivering Dashcode – an IDE for developing widgets.
Oh, for chrissake, who needs an IDE to develop a widget? That is so lame.
I made one with construction paper, some blunt scissors and Elmer’s glue.
And some glitter.
It’s… really cool.
It um… counts down the days until “Snakes On A Plane” is released.
OK, I have to change the numbers by hand, but…
11:25 AM – iChat demo.
Hey, wait a minute… Steve’s chatting with Schiller.
Schiller was just on stage…
Now he’s in Times Square. They say it’s just an effect, but…
OH, MY GOD! PHIL SCHILLER IS THE MASTER OF SPACE, TIME AND DIMENSION!
But you already knew that.
There’s a rollercoaster background and Steve says “Life at Apple is a rollercoaster”!
Ha-ha!
Yes, one day your little music device is bringing you boatloads of cash and the next they’re investigating your stock options!
WHOOOOOO!!!
WHEEEEEE!!!
AHHHHHHH!!!
Just give us the Leopard wrap-up, rollercoaster boy.
11:30 AM – That’s it!
Leopard to be released in the spring, when the flowers are blooming and love is on a young man’s mind.
And in his pants.
