I know everyone’s wound up about the AppleTV delay that was announced today, but I’d like to talk to you about another Apple product that we haven’t seen yet.
You will remember that late last year it was widely konfirmed that the iPhone would be quickly followed by a second iPhone with special features of some kind or another.
I don’t really remember what they were and it’s not really germane to this argument. What’s important is that Apple has failed to deliver.
And, no, “konfirmed” is not a typo. That’s how we spell it on the Apple rumor business.
Because, well, “confirmed” would technically be innacurate. But, as part of the rumor site code of ethics, a story can only be run once it has been “konfirmed”, which means that it has been sourced by not one but a minimum of two anonymous emails. Or Slashdot posts. Either one.
Or Crazy Larry who lives under the freeway bridge. He’s good.
But it’s high time that Apple admit that rumor sites, like the Pope, are infallible.
“Oh, come on, Moltz,” you say. “Infallible?
“The Pope’s not infallible.”
Well, look, that’s really between you and the Catholic Church – I’m not getting into that – but I can assure you that rumor sites are infallible, regardless of your feelings on the Papacy, Vatican II or the teachings of Mel Gibson.
How does this work? Let’s say I write that Apple is going to come out with an update to the Newton. If Apple then releases an update to the Newton, I’m right and I get a job blogging for ZDNet. If Apple doesn’t release an update to the Newton, I simply say that an angry Steve Jobs cancelled the project when it was reported on a rumor site and I get a job blogging for ZDNet.
Either way, I get a job blogging for ZDNet and I’m living the rich life, hanging out in the luxurious ZDNet bloggers lounge with George Ou and going on beer runs with Jason O’Grady!
Wait a minute, why the hell would I want to do that?
I’m assuming they pay those goofballs, but it’d have to be an awful lot to make it…
Anwyay, the point is, Apple, you’re gonna release a second iPhone. It’s already been konfirmed, so let’s have it.
C’mon.
…
I don’t have all day.
…
Now would be a good time.
…
Nnnnnn…
Nnnnnn…
NOW!
OK, no, really.
I’ll just be sitting over here minding my own business.
…
La-la-la-la-la…
…
Just wa-tching Heroes…
La-la…
…
NOW!
OK, look, I can do this all day, so…
…
NOW!
…
Well, fine. If that’s the way you want it, Apple.
Look for our exclusive report tomorrow entitled “ANGRY, BITTER STEVE JOBS CANCELS SECOND IPHONE!”
As soon as we get it konfirmed, of course.