Author: John Moltz

Jobs Hooked on Saying "Stevie Don't Play That".

According to highly placed sources at Apple, CEO Steve Jobs has begun to concern executives with his repeated use of the phrase “Stevie don’t play that.”

Senior Vice President of Software Development Avie Tevanian said today “I don’t know how he got into this, but he’s saying it all the time. Yesterday we were talking about whether or not to keep installing Internet Explorer now that we’ve got Safari. ‘Stevie don’t play that.’ Last week it was spinning the iPod off as a separate business. ‘Stevie don’t play that.’

“I’ll be frank, it’s really damned annoying.”

Sources within Apple could only speculate what has prompted this trend by the mercurial CEO. Some pointed to Jobs’ new-found connections in the music industry as a possible influence, while others believe it must have come from his long-standing ties with the motion picture industry.

“What I’m concerned about is that I’m pretty sure that phrase isn’t even ‘hip’ anymore,” said Chief Financial Officer Fred Anderson. “I don’t know much about this stuff, but I remember Damon Wayans saying it on In Living Color and that was years ago. What was that… when the LC came out?

“Somebody needs to set Stevie straight is what somebody needs to do. What Stevie shouldn’t be playin’ is that tired phrase. Don’t go there, Stevie. Talk to the hand, Stevie. Freddie say ‘no.'”

Apple Senior Vice President and General Counsel Nancy Heinen complained, “He tried to put it into a legal document the other day. Try explaining to the lawyers at a major client why there’s a phrase in the contract that reads ‘Should termination of this agreement occur prior to the completion of a full calendar year, supplier will be indemnified for any loss assumed by the purchaser. ‘Cause Stevie don’t play that.‘

“Makes me look like an ass-clown.”

Executives with connections in the know about hip lingo are considering asking them to speak to Jobs about his use of this phrase.

“I think Jonathan Ive knows Moby,” Tevanian said. “Is Moby cool? He’s a little old, but maybe that’s just what he needs – it’d be less threatening. Maybe Moby could talk to him.

“Hmm. Moby. Moby. Mmmmmoby. Mmmmmmmmmobay. Heh.

“Oh. You’re still here. How did you get in here, anyway?”

Mac OS 9 Resuscitated By Quick-Thinking Developers

Ted Klapsick didn’t expect to become a hero yesterday, but he did. A developer from Spencer Software, Klapsick is now known as the man who saved OS 9.

Seated in the front row at Steve Jobs’ Worldwide Developers Conference Keynote, Klapsick jumped into action when Jobs dramatically pulled OS 9 from a coffin on stage to signal the operating system’s demise.

“Steve was making this big joke out of it, but there was OS 9, dead, and no one was doing a thing!” Klapsick said. “It was kind of weird, but the OS’s whole life flashed before my eyes. I saw OS 6, MultiFinder, OpenDoc, Themes… I thought, ‘Good times. Good times.'”

“I couldn’t just sit there!”

Jumping on to the stage, Klapsick knocked a startled Steve Jobs out of the way and began trying to resuscitate OS 9. Immediately, Klapsick was joined by David O’Neil of AKA Development, who performed artificial respiration while Klapsick performed CPR.

“I had been using OS 9 not ten minutes before,” O’Neil said, “so I knew it couldn’t have been gone long. When I saw Ted get up there, I had to help out. I mean, crap, my company has an OS 9-only app coming out in three weeks. It damn well better live!”

Klapsick and O’Neil were able to resuscitate the operating system in less than two minutes, leading many at the conference to conclude that Apple representatives had not made any attempt to resuscitate it on their own.

“They just sat there and watched it die,” Klapsick said. “That’s cold, man. That is cold.”

OS 9 is expected to make a full recovery and authorities are refusing to charge Jobs or Apple.

“We are talking about software here, aren’t we?” asked Officer Gail Lamont of the San Jose Police Department. “I’m pretty sure they can do whatever they want with it. Actually, the only people we’d consider charging are the two who jumped up on stage.”

After the incident, an angry Steve Jobs had to be pulled away from OS 9 by Apple staff.

“You’re dead, OS 9!” Jobs screamed, pointing at the operating system. “You hear me? Dead! Extensions – dead! Chooser – dead! Platinum – dead!”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story.