Wednesday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Wednesday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site will answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I recently stuck a sandwich in the Mezzanine slot of my original iMac but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve tried rebooting, but my Mac still doesn’t have access to any sandwich-related services. What am I doing wrong?

A: Most likely the sandwich you attempted to use contained braunschweiger or some other meat product of European origin. European meat products require a different voltage than your iMac uses. Replace the sandwich with one containing American ham or turkey.

Q: Before going to bed, I accidentally left my original blueberry iBook on the toilet seat. In the middle of the night I got up to go to the bathroom without turning the light on and thought I was lifting the lid and… well, let’s just say the keyboard doesn’t work so well anymore. What should I do?

A: You should never ever, ever, write in to Crazy Apple Help Desk ever again. Ever. Really, we mean it. And it would probably be a good idea to get rid of that iBook.

Q: Every day, I need to generate a series of PDFs from Quark documents and publish them to the web. Then the PDFs need to be emailed to others in my office. I think I can use an AppleScript to automate all this but I don’t know where to begin. What do you suggest?

A: Yeah, sure, AppleScript’s great. Knock yourself out. Oh, and we’d prefer it if you didn’t write in again either. It’s not your fault, we just can’t help associating you with that iBook question. Yick.