14 Dec 01"Macs Suck" Web Sites Provides Irrefutable Evidence That Macs Do, Indeed, Suck

The Mac community has been dealt a series of reeling blows in recent weeks by the publication on multiple web sites of a compelling body of evidence that indicates Apple computers and the Macintosh operating system suck. Apple CEO Steve Jobs convened a hasty press conference this morning in a frantic attempt to quell the panic already rippling through the nation’s schools, graphics departments and homes where Macs are used.

“We at Apple are still reviewing the material on SBP’s Anti-Mac Homepage and other sites,” Jobs said. “It will take us some time to digest this information but we expect within a few weeks to be able to determine if this will force us to take any action, such as a corporate restructuring. Obviously, this is as much a shock to us at Apple as it is to our customers. We simply had no idea that Macs suck so badly.”

Most devastating to Apple’s Macintosh product line is evidence unveiled on SBP’s Anti-Mac Homepage entitled “Technichal (sic) Reasons to Hate Macs.” Former Apple enthusiast and Macworld columnist Andy Ihnatko described his reaction to reading the incontrovertible evidence that the operating system he has proselytized for years sucks: “It was like a light went on, you know? One mouse button. No software. Low market share. Overpriced. The list went on and on. Reading it, I felt like I was in a car crash; everything was happening in slow motion.”

Analysts indicate that Apple has several key questions it will need to answer over the coming days if it is to right itself. Can it quickly make changes to its Macintosh product line to make it stop sucking or, at least, suck less? Does the recently introduced iPod, which is not a Macintosh, also suck or is it exempt from the suckage? Do certain Apple applications, such as WebObjects, that are able to run on other non-sucky operating systems, also suck? Even if it is just the Macintosh itself that sucks, how will the company restructure itself to survive solely on those relatively few products it makes that do not suck?

As Apple struggles to answer these and other questions, time appears to be running out. Already a class action suit is being initiated against the company and Cupertino police have formed a cordon around the Apple campus where an angry mob has gathered. Demonstrator Mark Grudzilanek, a 40 year old sound engineer, told CARS reporters “It just never hit me before that I had bought a computer without a floppy drive. I mean, I’ve never really needed to use one, but a computer without a floppy drive? How much does that suck?” Other protestors echoed Grudzilanek’s comments. Deborah Getty, a 29 year old a school teacher from San Jose, demanded “What am I supposed to do with this iBook I got last Thursday? I just found out it sucks.”

Apple’s stock has plummeted in recent days and is currently trading at $0.24/share, having been severely downgraded by a majority of Wall Street analysts.

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