EXCLUSIVE: MacWorld Keynote Coverage Minute By Minute!

Here we go, kids! Perhaps the most hyped event in Apple history!

8:35 – After a brief delay at the door where we were given a hard time about proper credentials, we finally got in when Masako hinted to the guard that we were friends of Mac-using comedian Sinbad.

8:45 – People still filing in. Music playing: the Macarena. Who the hell picked that?

8:55 – Five minutes! This is really exciting! Is everyone thinking “sexbots”? I know I am!

9:00 – Lights dimming! Here comes Steve! And he isn’t wearing his trademark turtleneck and jeans! Wow! He’s not wearing anything at at all! He’s nude!

9:10 – Steve talks about the products introduced in 2001: new iBooks, Mac OS X 10.1, iPod. The audience is having a hard time concentrating because, well, the guy’s stark raving nude up there. The women seem to be enjoying it. And a lot of the graphics guys. Masako said, admiringly, “Yes, this one is big.” That can’t be what they meant…

9:30 – Okay, starting to get used to a nude Steve Jobs up there. Here’s the first announcement: Mac OS X 10.2. Spring loaded folders! Tabbed folders! Manila folders! Wait, what? Hey, he’s got free update CDs and he’s throwing them out to the crowd! We’re trying to snag one! Man, he’s throwing them really hard. OW! Son of a… Oh, my God, he’s lost it! He’s trying to take people out! Look out! Look out! Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

9:50 – Okay, Steve’s calmed down and he’s moved on to the hardware. He’s talking about the current enclosure for the G4. While it was good in its day, it’s now a 3-year-old design. He hates it. He cannot bear to look at it. He says it burns his eyes when he even looks at it askance. He says he demanded that Jon Rubenstein remove the hideous creature from his sight and that all reference to that enclosure be expunged from Apple’s records. Wait, they can’t do that, can they? What about the TIL? How will they support it?

Well, anyway, now he’s talking about the replacement. Apple wanted even easier access to internal components so they thought, why not put them on the outside?! They’ve turned the G4 inside out! All the internal components are on the outside. More RAM? Snap! New hard drive? Snap! It’s like Lego! Strangely, though, all the external components are now on the inside, which means you have to open it up to put a CD in, which will then come out into the CD drive. Which is on the outside. Huh. Well, it looks cool!

10:20 – Steve now says it’s time to unveil the piece de resistance! Apple’s been planning this since he took over. They wanted a new level of ease of use in a consumer device that every person in the world would be drooling for. Sex appeal in what will be the pivotal component of Apple’s “digital hub” concept. Here it is! He’s holding it up! Everyone’s on their feet! People are craning their necks to see it! It’s… it’s… it looks like… What the hell is that? We’re kind of far back but… from here it looks like a… salad. Am I right? Chet says it looks like a salad, too. So does Masako. The guy next to me just yelled “It’s a fucking salad!” Everyone’s very confused. A few people even started clapping but they just sort of trailed off. There’s a lot of murmuring. Steve’s not saying anything. He’s just standing there, smiling and holding up a big salad in a glass bowl. In the nude.

You know, this is my first MacWorld and, I have to say, this is not turning out like I had expected. For starters, there’s a lot more nudity than I thought there’d be. And, now, more produce.

Well, now Steve’s kind of mumbling something about iSalad and how it comes with iCrutons and iDressing and some other crap. You can see he knows it’s not going over like he’d hoped. He’s moving on.

10:40 – Another product announcement? No! Steve says he’s going to do a tune! Here come the show girls! “Here’s a little number for a very special lady.” It’s a rousing rendition of “Luck Be A Lady Tonight”! Man, Steve can really belt one out. Everyone’s really getting into it. “Luck be a la-dy… tooooooooniiiiiiiiight!” Yeah! Encore! Encore!

10:45 – Okay, now another product announcement. It’s been 4 years since Apple discontinued the Newton (OH, MY GOD!). Apple’s worked closely with Palm in the mean time and made using Palm-based devices easier and more productive on the Mac, but Steve says they could do better (YES, YES, YES!). The market seemed very interested in having Apple bring the Macintosh experience to the hand-held form factor (WE ARE! WE ARE!). Rather than try to put the Mac OS on an underpowered and limited device, Apple decided to research shrink ray technology. Really? No. Really? The result: the miniMac. Holy crap, it’s just like those little iMac clocks but it’s a working iMac. That is so cool. Steve’s going on to say that in the early stages there were some “accidents” and several technicians were reduced in size, forcing Apple to also invent a growth ray to avoid possible legal action. Actually, he says, it was pretty easy. Turns out you just turn the shrink ray around. Consequently, Apple’s also introducing a limited run of the maxiMac. It’s about the size of a minivan and will be sold through a new set of Apple Stores for the Big and Tall.

Steve’s also pointing out, ominously, that now that Apple has shrink ray technology, it’s not afraid to use it. He’s rubbing his hands together now and saying “And, to think, they laughed at me at the University! Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha!” Not sure what that means. I’m pretty sure Steve didn’t even finish his undergraduate degree.

10:55 – Okay, Steve’s wrapping up (but we know there’ll be a “One more thing…”). Mac OS X 10.2. Inside out G4. iSalad (cripes). miniMac. maxiMac. Oh! Here it comes! “One more thing…” Big dramatic pause!

No, wait, big sigh. “Oh, the hell with it. It’s LCD iMacs, you ungrateful bastards. Like you’re surprised. I dunno, they’ve got detachable screens and you can write on them and stuff. They’re pretty cool, I guess. $700. You can get them now. Knock yourselves out. I’ve gotta go get dressed.” WOW! They’re slim and they have the iPod white and chrome look! They’re excellent!

Steve’s walking off stage. He seems kind of angry or something. Oh, well! We’ve got new iMacs, baby!