Wednesday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Wednesday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: Me Cro-Magnon man recently unfrozen from block of ice me been in for 40, 00 years. Me not really understand shiny box filled with spirits, but me scientist friends say me should get a computer. Me thinking of buying iMac because me hear easy to use. Me being Cro-Magnon man, me like this. Me question, what best tool on Mac for making fire?

A: It would be easy to list a number of ways to get your Mac to make fire (heck, some of them you can’t even stop from making fire). But before you jump in to looking at products, maybe you should ask yourself first what problem you’re trying to solve. Is it cooking the flesh of a recent kill? Staying warm while the sun-god sleeps? Keeping predators at bay? Maybe you don’t even know, in which case you could benefit from having a consultant evaluate your business processes. Of course, by the time you do all this you’ll probably get eaten by a bear, so on second thought, we suggest going out and buying the first thing you find. Maybe some lighter fluid.


Q: Wait a minute, you expect us to believe an unfrozen Cro-Magnon man wrote in with a Mac question? Give me a break. Besides, Cro-Magnons were semi-nomadic as they had to follow the animals they hunted, so he’d never buy an iMac. He’d buy an iBook, which would provide the portability and long battery life needed by someone constantly on the move. And I should know, because I’m a Neanderthal.

A: Look we’re not going to get into the middle of this debate. The only way we can think of to prove to you the previous question was real is to sick the Cro-Magnon man on you! Get him, Ugluk!

Q: GRAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH! Me show you who real!



Q: I’m confused by the previous questions. Why did the Cro-Magnon have trouble with pronouns while the Neanderthal, by all accounts less developed than the Cro-Magnons, spoke perfect English? I’m also confused about the themes involved. Certainly there’s the theme of the Mac’s ease of use as well as one concerning the perceived value of modern-day consultancy. But does the fight at the end over whether or not the Cro-Magnon was real point to something more existential?

A: Well, yes, the Cro-Magnon could be seen as representing our basic human motivations for food, shelter and safety, that often seem incongruous in the technological world we’ve created. For this reason, his very existence is called into question but, ultimately, he appears as a powerful presence. Really, though, we just liked the gag about a Cro-Magnon using an iMac to make fire. Then the whole thing kind of got away from us.