Apple Glasses Already Here

Competing rumors regarding Apple’s AR glasses have come out in recent weeks, creating a game of one-upmanship in the rumorsphere.

In mid-May, Ming-Chi Kuo reported that Apple Glasses were coming in 2022 at the earliest. A week later, Jon Prosser said nah, sorry, brah, Apple Glasses are coming in 2021 and will look like Steve Jobs’ iconic glasses because putting AR into wire rims is easy.

After extensive interviews with no less than 209 and a half sources that are in, around, and in one case under Apple, some in the supply chain, some hiding in the bushes outside Tim Cook’s house, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple Glasses are not shipping in 2021, nor are they shipping in 2022.

Why?

Because Apple Glasses are already here.

And you’re wearing them right now.

According to our research, Apple’s AR glasses shipped in the summer of 2019, just after WWDC. The reason no one remembers that they bought them and are wearing them right now is Apple’s next-generation reality augmentation.

“Our goal is to make the buying process as painless as possible,” said Apple Vice President of Product Marketing Greg Joswiak, who spoke to us for some reason. “We found that with the prices of our products, the most painful part was when the customer thinks ‘Oh, god, what did I just do?’ right after clicking ‘purchase’.”

“So we removed that,” Joswiak said. “Now you can buy Apple products without the worry. In fact, you already are.”

Shocked Apple customer Jeff Clement seemingly confirmed Joswiak’s assertion.

“I don’t know where all this came from,” Clement said, “but I’m suddenly up to my ass in iPads, HomePods and Mac Pro wheels. I’m broke but somehow I’m not worried about it. I feel kinda great. These things really work.”

Given the current state of world affairs, Apple is hopeful that it can roll out the feature for other events than just purchasing the company’s devices.

“From presidential elections to global health concerns, Apple Glasses will make the hurting go away. If you don’t have Apple Glasses, you’re going to want them,” Joswiak said.

When asked how a user would know if they should get them when, if they did have them, they would not know they did, Joswiak smiled.

“That’s the beauty of it,” he said. “You’ll just keep buying them and buying them. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha! A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

At that point we figured the interview was over and ended the Zoom session.

More on this late-breaking story as it unfolds but we don’t know that it’s actually unfolding.

13 thoughts on “Apple Glasses Already Here”

  1. Joswiak or Wosniak – what’s the difference at this point? Since you already have the Glasses…

    Where’s my iFlame? Or, dare I say it, SexBots?

    And, thirdly: Third!

  2. iGlass.

    Yarrrrrr.

    First dibs on TLAPD.

    i saw it first.

    . . .

    Man this lockdown is getting to me . . .

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