26 Mar 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I got my iPod about a year ago, and I noticed that it was starting to collect some scratches. So I got on of those iPod cleaners and I was rubbing it on my iPod… slowly massaging it into the surface… gently, yet forcefully… and… well… as will any situation involving ointments… things got out of hand and I just want to know…

A: No, it’s not possible for your iPod to love you back.

Q: Oh. Oh. OK. Ha-ha! It’s just that… the little thing’s so darn cute and… smooth to the touch… oooh…

A: Dude.

Q: Oh. Right. Thanks.

Q: I have a question about yesterday’s story about OS X being taken to Chuck E. Cheese. I’m the concerned mother of an operating system of my own, and I don’t feel that Avie really handled that situation well.

A: Well, some may disagree with Avie’s parenting skills, but sometimes it’s hard when you’re frustrated and surrounded by…

Q: He didn’t use guilt! There was humiliation and derision… but where was the guilt? Guilt is the foundation of any strong parent/child relationship! Verily, it may be the glue that keeps our society together!

A: Uh… so, you’re saying…

Q: Why not something like… “I’m so disappointed in you!” Or “It just breaks my heart to see you behave so badly! Where did I go wrong!?” Sheesh, he’s never going to get anywhere with OS X by just shaming it! I mean, shame’s good and all, but guilt

A: Wait…. Mom? Is that you?

Q: Oh, stop it.

Q: OK, see, now I’m confused…

A: What?

Q: Well, I’ve always thought it was fear of death that was the glue that kept our society together. Not guilt.

A: Oh, she didn’t know what she was talking about. But it’s not fear of death. It’s the mind-numbing powers of pop culture.

Q: Wait, it’s not a perverse sexual tension?

A: No, that plays a role. But, interestingly, many sociologist say it’s our long obsession with voyeurism.

Q: Hmm. I have a friend who says it’s greed.

A: Pah. That totally discounts the large impact of alcohol.

Q: Maybe. But he also points to groupthink, exacerbated by our senseless need for instant gratification.

A: Oh, yeah. I read that book. But I still say it’s rampant nihilism with just a hint of paprika.

Q: Paprika?

A: Yes. Paprika.

Q: Huh. Well… what about hot girl on girl action?

A: Oh. Yes. Well. It may not be the glue that holds society together, but it sure passes the time.

Q: Indeed.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Designbot says:


  2. 1. Ich bin laffin’!

    2. I’m not telling you again about the broken link for the top banner!

    3. Welcome back, olivey-beige!

    4. Keep it realistic!

    5. Have a good weekend!

    6. Has anyone seen WInky-Girl? She went to the store two hours ago for gummy nodules.

    Your pal,


    Don’t forget to fix your banner link!

  3. sprockety says:

    I’m not complaining, but the expresssion “hot girl on girl action” has been getting thrown around a lot lately and I just don’t want to see anyone taking “hot girl on girl action” for granted.

    Its just so yummy.

  4. wwc says:

    ah, the banner ad seems to work. May I suggest cleaning out your cache? Indecent as that sounds and all.

  5. Waiting says:

    Speaking of which, nobody’s even mentioned “sexbots” and their to-be-hoped-for relevance (whenever Apple gets around to shipping them, that is!)


    hillbilly girl on hillbilly girl wack!

  7. constant comment says:

    i glad me interact with cars

  8. Oziguana says:

    good article, however it is ~safron~, not paprika, which is the light seasoning to accompany rampant nihilism. But dont worry, many have made the same mistakes before you.

    Pleased to help.


  9. Christine says:

    Saffron is expensive though! Have you ever bought it? They give you this little tiny vial and it costs a ton of money! Maybe a little rosemary or basin instead would hold society together for a bit cheaper.

  10. mick says:

    Second post!~!!!!

  11. Aaron says:

    Is CARS going to be saffron colored now?

  12. Laemkral says:

    I should say not. I’m disappointed in you all for thinking that Moltz is so weak willed he’d color the site paprika. Honestly, I expected better from you people.

    See, that’s guilt. Guilt makes the world run and Jewish mothers have been proving this for centuries.

    Now you don’t have to go and get me a turkey sandwich, it’s not like I mind you never visit or call anymore. I’m sure I can be fine sitting here, in the dark, starving to death, while my fellow posters forget about me. No mustard.

  13. Flavius Smith says:

    I thought that for a short discussion of societal gluons it was okay, although the complete lack of any mention of either Hegelian anti-bosons or mouthwash was seriously remiss.

    There should also be links to some hot ‘iPod-love’ sites.

  14. Aaron says:

    I’m going to my grandparents’ 80th birthday party tomorrow. (They’re less than a month apart in age.) Guess why? Here’s a hint — five letters, begins with “g”.

  15. Oziguana says:

    greed? you want them to give you money? grandparents always give money.

    gross? you are going to see when grandma takes her teeth out and swaps them with grandpa’s?

    grunt? you will help your grandpa stand up?

    grail? you’re going to view the final resting place of both grandma and grandpa?

    grump? you like it when neither of them have enough sleep?

    ok im done… its got to be one of them.

  16. Oziguana says:

    >Saffron is expensive though! Have you ever bought it?<

    Christine, I think you undervalue how important it is that our society be held together. I mean surely its worth the extra dosh to hold it together with a decent spice? You will be suggesting something cheap and tawdry like cinammon next. Disgusting stuff.

  17. MacStansbury says:

    Great. The first chance I get to complain about the lack of seximal innuendo, they get all kind of FCC-approved filth. Next time Moltz…next time.

    By the way, the whole paprika reference is from a movie called Amanda and the Alien that starred Charles in Charge hottie Nicole Eggert. Now, even though her career took a dive-bomb (blown away by Corey Haim?!?! horrible), this was an enjoyable, if not disturbing walk down memory lane…all kind of 90s clothes and music.

    And hair. Big hair. Big, 1992 style, New Country wanna-be hair.

    But the deal with the paprika was the Alien got high off of spices. And there was a fair amount of seximus on the screen. A lot actually. And then the alien kills-ah, but I’ll ruin it for you…

    So go out right now to your better Wal-Mart, Fred’s, or Sav-A-Lot and look in the bargain bin video tape section for this wonderful, spice-filled love-in.

  18. Conspiracy Theorist says:

    The pieces of the puzzle are beginning to fit into place:

    The horses, aided by Howard (a secret agent) have been preventing a wave of hernias in Lapland by diverting all of the bananas into making of iPod cleaners.

    Using their inside connections they are able to advertise their illegal, hernia inducing product on CARS.

    –Conspiracy Theorist

  19. Tim Knight says:


    do your grandparents grope alot???

  20. ipodguy says:

    Glue? HAHAHAHAHA. Do you see me laughing?

    I thought it was applesauce. I mean… it explains why things don’t hold together so well… right? Right?

  21. Leibnitz, N. says:

    No. But it might explain the ants.

  22. likes the OSX for webing says:

    One of the perks for OSX is its immunity to porn site forced .exe infections. Not that I over use these features mind you, but could make a valid reason for those frustrated window watchers to convert.

  23. Laemkral says:

    One of the other “perks” of OS X is how it improves nipple quality on all sexbots in a way OS 9 simply couldn’t handle.

    Not that I’d know anything about that as I mainly work with the “hard drive”. If you know what I mean…..cause I honestly don’t have a clue. So please tell me.

  24. John Moltz says:

    Well, you see, when a man loves a woman very much…

  25. the_holy_macintosh says:

    You know, I think that first caller was my brother… seriously. I think the iPod and him have joined and are now one organism, I haven’t seen the two of them apart for 3 monthes or more…

  26. Laemkral says:

    Also when a man and a man; a woman and a woman; three men, two women, a goat, and a midget wearing spandex underwear with spiked high heels and a leather whip.

  27. Jarvis says:

    * shudder *

    Hit the pink one… THE PINK ONE!!


  28. Zsla says:

    i want ugluk..sexy ugluk fuck me ugluk


  29. shemp howard says:

    hey mo !

  30. moe howard says:

    whadda ya want knucklehead ?

  31. curly howard says:

    OOOOO!!! A wise guy, eh?? Rawf, Rawf, RAWF! Nyeah, Nyeah!

  32. roscolux says:

    Praise Jebus!

  33. Mason says:

    I’m looking at the icon with the entity, and, well… I’ll just come out and ask it.

    Are the Entity and the Boss from Help Desk related?

  34. i really liked the first one, so short and to the point!