25 Mar 04OS X Turns Three.

Apple’s 21st century operating system turns three years old today and while Ars Technica marked the event with a retrospective, Apple celebrated by taking OS X and 15 of its screaming friends to Chuck E. Cheese for an afternoon of pizza, games and sugar-induced frenzy.

“Aaah, kids! They grow up so fast!” laughed Apple’s Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian watching one three-year-old boy violently yanking on a little girl’s pony tail.

“Use your words, Justin!” Tevanian called after the boy as he ran off after another victim. “Aren’t they just so precious?! They are our most special gift!

“Not in the face, Madison! No, no, Brandon! Don’t put the quarters in your mouth! Mackenzie, don’t kick the giant rat!”

Tevanian did admit, “I’ll be glad to see OS X get out of the ‘terrible twos’! This one’s turned into quite the little manipulator!”

OS X proceeded to consume four pieces of chocolate cake and three glasses of Coke. The Unix-based operating system then tore around the Chuck E. Cheese like a hysterical jack rabbit for forty-five minutes until it collapsed in a tired, whiney lump on the floor, refusing even to support its own weight.

“Although, I can’t say three is starting out to be much better,” Tevanian added, trying to pull OS X up by its wrist.

Shortly thereafter, Tevanian was seen scolding OS X and dragging the limp, sobbing operating system from the restaurant.

“I swear, I am never doing this again!” Tevanian said. “Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up! Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Do you want me to tell Steve what you did? Do you?!

No Responses to “OS X Turns Three.”

  1. Conspiracy Theorist says:

    Who is this “Mackenzie” and what’s with the giant rat?

    Is the rat a spy planted by Howard?

    and what does the “E” stand for in “Chuck E. Cheese”?

    If you ask me, I’d say it was “Ed”!

    –Conspiracy Theorist

  2. Cai says:


    third post baby!

  3. Tha Valrus says:

    Fantastic last paragraph

  4. Doubting Thomas says:

    This is an early update. Usually this site isn’t updated until much much later in the day.

    Don’t think I’ll forget about Monday… or the lack of Monday.

    It’s as if Monday didn’t even exist for the CARS staff.

    I WILL NOT FORGET; March 23rd will forever be known as Black Monday.

    You can start updating this site at 5am EST, and still Black Monday will hang like a stagnant cloud of Mustard-colored gas over the CARS headquarters… kinda like the color of this web site.

    Net zero, indeed.

  5. Jon says:

    This may be the sixth post, but I beat Jan!


  6. Aaron says:

    Aren’t there any kids’ pizza restaurants founded by former *Apple* executives they could have been taken to?

  7. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    Kids grow up so fast.

    Sadly, the comment window cannot grow. It is a fixed size.

    This is evil, and and must be mitigated.

  8. Me says:

    What did the little MacOS X get for its birthday? Did it get anything special? What a cute little booger.

  9. Jon says:

    Doing an “Open in new tab” (or “…new window”) is a workaround to that “feature.”

  10. Alex Kinnison says:

    What the heck does “Use your words, Justin!” mean????

    “Use your words, Justin!”

    Does Avie have magik power words that he bestows on children who comprehend the Zen of Mach? Do “words” affect your ability to run to ground competing 3 year olds?

    “Use your words, Justin!”

    “Use your words, Justin!”

    This will haunt me for ever.


  11. WordUser says:

    Hang around any little kids these days and you’ll hear “Use your words” a lot. Basically, it means “Say what you want instead of whacking your sister with your Barbie H2 Hummer.”

    It’s kind of like saying “Speak!” to your dog.

    Well, no. I guess it really isn’t.

  12. Name: says:

    Why are people so frantic to get the first post?

    I could have sworn that this was CARS, where it’s the rumors that are important, as opposed to Slashdot, where the karma is important.

  13. Jon says:

    “New Toy Syndrome.”

    It’ll wear off after time.

    See, nobody’s even mentioned the colors so far today (not counting this mention; BTW, that’s a GOOD thing; PLEASE don’t start going on about colors again!); “First-post-itis” will go away soon, too.

  14. Pythagore says:

    Are these comments really necessary? Really? People trying to be as funny and incoherent as you guys. No thank you.

    And the first person who says “but you don’t have to read them if you don’t like them” wins the special price.

  15. euplectes says:

    > “OS X proceeded to consume four pieces of chocolate cake and three glasses of Coke.”

    Uh, shouldn’t OS X be drinking Pepsi?

  16. MacStansbury says:

    > Uh, shouldn’t OS X be drinking Pepsi?

    Due to licensing agreements with the big cola companies, there are limited ways a company can get beverages from a distributer. CUC happens to be like the majority of chain restaurants that use Coca Cola products as their beverage of choice. In return for the exclusivity, they get the colored sugar water for real cheap.

    About the only companies that use Pepsi products are the businesses owned by Pepsico, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC.

  17. wwc says:

    My gosh, Moltz’s understanding of children and their parents is uncanny. I could see all of this happening.

    The story line item missed is where the kid is holding the pizza slice, drops it on the floor and then proceeds to try and be helpful by jumping down, grabbing it, and taking a bite.

    And then the one of the parents gags / faints while hte others tries to talk the food out of the kids mouth. And the kid swallows.

    Unless the 3-year old is the 3rd or 4th child. In which case the parents probably don’t even notice the food fell on the floor and was eaten.

  18. wwc says:

    Like the color scheme also. Matches my knakis.

  19. Zounds Padand says:


    OS X’s just little now, but in a few years, he’ll be out on his own, in the Big, Bad World. Out there with OSs 1-9……


    Let’s enjoy him while we can.

  20. Zounds Padang says:


  21. ryan says:

    As a rabid mac fan who has spawned offspring, I definately can find humor in this article. Any mac loving parent would surely laugh at this. . . unless of course they were one of those all too serious parents – who never laugh at anything. In which case I say “lighten up your damn blithering rabid hate monkeys!”

    Oh yeah and umm FIRST POST!!!!! for me

    and one more thing – what is up with that damn Left margin that you can’t get rid of . . . It makes it harder to discuise this page when I am supposed to be working. also it doesn’t look like the side bar on the right fits the way its supposed to (IE5 os 9 – hey its my work computer – don’t you think I wan’t X and safari)

    anways – If you don’t get rid of that extra brown space on the left – I might have to go back to ACTUALLY doing work and that would just be awefull!

  22. MICHAEL EISNER says:


  23. MICHAEL EISNER says:




  24. Phil says:

    Last Post

  25. Jason Young says:

    “until it collapsed in a tired, whiney lump on the floor, refusing even to support its own weight.”

    Funny how Windows ecks-pee does this often and the whole NT base is at least 11 now.

  26. Mortimer H. Rickenfeller says:

    I do not understand this little tale at all.

    Here in Lake Forest, the little tykes at Chas E. Cheese, LLC, are perfectly well-behaved, and when they are not, we make sure the au pair deals with them severely. Why, I personally can attest that Buffy Fotheringham’s dear little Madeline was denied her cellular phone for 30 minutes once when she was especially naughty!

  27. alienzed says:

    nice scene 😀

  28. Oziguana says:

    I miss the pink. At least then the whole site was being upfront and honest, proclaiming: “wwhhheeee! look at me! I am full of useless but moderately funny rubbish! whats more, im rubbish on LSD! Mahahaghaacrazzohgni *splutter, cough*!”

    Now it’s trying to be all tongue in cheek; “no really, the OS system *was* having pizza down the shops last night!Believe us! We are reputable humanoid reporters!”

    I mean, come ON! like any one believes that. *rolls eyes*


  29. John Moltz says:

    I’m not sure I like what you’re insinuating.

    Are you saying we’re *NOT* on LSD???

  30. Josh says:

    I know it’s been three years and all, but I still have to fight the urge to say “Oh Ess Ecks” in place of “Oh Ess Ten”.

  31. Conspiracy Theorist says:

    I’m not sure I like what you’re insinuating Mr. Moltz.

    LSD will weaken your perception, you must always be on the lookout for ESR’s, and their leader Mr. Ed.

    You can’t trust anyone!

    not even Howard.

    –Conspiracy Theorist

  32. Anonymous says:

    33rd Post!

    I ROCK!

  33. iKon says:

    “Sadly, the comment window cannot grow. It is a fixed size.

    This is evil, and and must be mitigated.”

    Someone obviously is not using the latest version of Safari! 😮

    This is evil, and and must be mitigated.


  34. Shivs says:

    MacStansbury, you are correct that Chuck E. Cheese serves Coke, but you are misinformed about PepsiCo.

    PepsiCo sold Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC to its management to form Tricon Global. Tricon Global, now Yum! Brands with Long John Silvers and A&W restaurants added, does still sell Pepsi products though.

  35. Fringe says:

    Dear Mr. Moltz,


    Keep up the great reporting!



  36. WoblingWooley says:

    >What the heck does “Use your words, Justin!” >mean????

    Avie Tevanian (an adult) watching one three-year-old boy (Justin) violently yanking on a little girl’s pony tail.

    “Use your words, Justin!” Tevanian called after the boy (Justin) as he ran off after another victim. “(possibly to pull more hair)

    She was trying to encourage Justin to speak (with words) rather then pulling her (the little girl) hair.

    Mystery solved>?

  37. I’m literally rolling on the floor laffing my arms off, help there’s blood everywhere, nice pink blood, etc. etc.

  38. Fred E. Crooger says:

    I especially enjoyed your commanding use of the word “the”. I’ve copyrighted it though, so if you’d like to continue using it you’ll have to pay me royalties. You’ve used it 10 times in this article, and at a penny per use, I figure you owe me a dime.

    Don’t make me take it out of your hide.

    Have a good day…

    P.S. My patent on the alphabet is coming through any day now.

  39. Everything is true to someone.

  40. LaRocca Karl says:

    The greatest administrators do not achieve production through constraints and limitations. They provide opportunities.