10 May 04Asylum Survives Being Run By Inmates

Well, we’re back! And I just want to thanks all y’alls who held down the fort in our absence.

More than 280 comments? You guys rock. Take a bow.

Now, you might have wondered where we were last week so I thought I’d share the personal journey of growth, exploration and development we went on together. While you guys were getting to know each other, we were doing the same. It was truly beautiful and… well… it wasn’t until Friday that it all devolved into a screeching, hair-pulling, slap fight that… uh… well… ultimately… Ugluk won.

I mean, the guy is really strong.

Anyway, the whole idea was to get away together for a staff retreat where we take the week to learn to trust each other and bond as a group through activities like rope climbs, scavenger hunts and that thing where you fall backwards into the arms of your coworkers.

Generally any time you hear the word “Psych!” yelled really loudly as you go into your fall you know it’s going to end badly. Fortunately, I was raised by wild chimps in Borneo, so I’m very limber and was able to nimbly tuck and roll as I hit the ground.

I did then spend the rest of that afternoon hanging from branches in the trees nearby and hurling my feces at the rest of the staff.

That’s actually something I picked up in business school, though, not during my time with the chimps. Every time I asked the chimps about that practice they’d just roll their eyes. Apparently one chimp did it about 40 years ago in a zoo in Ohio and now they’re all still paying for it.

The scavenger hunt ended equally as badly. Every time the facilitator would give us an item to find, the Entity would instantly disappear and reappear with the item and yell “Victory!” It was really pissing the facilitator off and he finally ended the hunt after the Entity came back with the carburetor for a ’68 Impala.

Somewhere some car nut is going to be really pissed when he gets into his Impala.

The worst, though, was the Circle Of Openness where we all sat around a camp fire and shared some secret about ourselves.

Since I had already displayed my freakish agility, I told them all about the chimps. Oddly, they didn’t seem really surprised.

Chet was next and what he shared really soured the tone for the rest of the session. Apparently, Emily has been telling him all about upcoming Apple products! He knows everything and just hasn’t been telling us! He said his love for Emily was too great to break her trust!

The recriminations really started flying after that.

As did the feces.

After about 15 minutes of yelling and hurling, the facilitator got us calmed down and we continued, but most of the rest of it was in a haze of anger. Masako shared something about her childhood… something about her dad being cold and distant… how that relates to her stalking Apple executives… I don’t know. To be frank, I wasn’t really listening. I was still steamed at Chet.

Howard then admitted his mouth really isn’t any cleaner than any of the rest of ours and that we really shouldn’t let him lick our faces because he’s been licking things he’d rather not mention. Ugluk said he’s been stealing office supplies and the Entity said something about knowing for a long time that the Cyber-Apocalypse is coming sooner than we think, with the running and the screaming and the mass extinction and killer robots and blah, blah, blah.

We rode back to the office in silence, but once the facilitator left we all lit into Chet. And then Masako started crying that no one cared about her feelings and Howard yelled “It’s my ass, OK?! I’ve been licking my own ass!” and the Entity said “We’re all going to die alone and afraid! Or, rather, you will all die alone and afraid. I can easily escape to another dimension. It’s not that it hasn’t been fun and all…”

That’s about when the hair-pulling and the kicking and the slapping started and pretty soon we were all whaling on each other until Ugluk stepped in schooled us but good.

Suddenly, we recognized how silly we were all being and just busted out laughing. By the end, we were hugging each other and saying how happy we were to work with such great people. We all agreed that next time we should skip the retreat and just have a slap fight in the parking lot.

Now it’s Monday morning and we’ve let go of the subterfuge and the bitter recriminations and the fighting and the tears and the admissions of ass licking…

But I think I’m gonna ask the Entity again about that Cyber-Apocalypse. That sounded kind of important.

No Responses to “Asylum Survives Being Run By Inmates”

  1. The Valrus says:

    I should be working on my papers which are due at five o’clock and which are the last things between me and graduation. But am I? No. I had to come and waste my time getting the second post after the Week of Infamy on CARS.

  2. greenacres says:

    Missed it by that much!

    -Maxwell Smart

  3. Leibnitz, N. says:

    No chimps in Borneo. Nada.

    There are orangutans, gibbons, macaques, tarsiers, lorises, and at least five species of monkeys.

    But no chimps.

  4. John Moltz says:

    Uh, not even in the ZOO?

    Yes, I was raised in a zoo, OK?

  5. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    That Entity guy, erm, thing is all kinda gloom and doom, isn’t he? He must be loads of fun at parties.

  6. Actually he is. The lamp shade on the head bit at the secret CARS Cinqo de Mayo party was a real hit, and as previously mentioned, he makes a guacamole dip that is out of this world.

  7. Peter says:

    Good thing this Cyber-Apocalypse is happening in John’s universe instead of mine. I was rather frightened until I realized that I get these news articles through the transdimensional internet.

  8. ipodguy says:

    Glad you guys became closer in your absence.

  9. David says:

    The deeper secret is that Howard has been licking *my* ass too.

    We’re sorry.

  10. EMan says:

    I would have commented sooner, but my Impala wouldn’t start. I’m kinda pissed about that.

  11. Shareholder says:

    I… didn’t really want to know that.

    Thing thing about Howard licking David’s ass and all…

    Isn’t there a law against that or something? I mean, if you’re not a resident of Lewis County, WA?

  12. PoisedNoise says:

    Surely it’s faeces.

  13. 15th Post!! says:

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  14. The Monkey says:

    Actually, that was me. Forty years ago.

    And it was at a frat party, not a zoo. Sheesh… you think I’d do that if I weren’t roaring drunk? Still haven’t lived it down.

    And my Impala wouldn’t start either. Stupid scavenger hunts.

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  16. Aaron says:

    Poisednoise — presumably Mooooltz is using US spellings.

  17. fuddes says:

    I’ll tell you how to spell feces!

    A-N-U-S D-R-O-P-S

  18. jasmine says:


    I am so cool I have the inbetween number!!!!!

    I used to be 20 back when I lost my v…. oh right I love CARS especially the backsea…. oh right yeah 20

  19. Anonymous says:

    are most of these comments about position in the comments?

  20. Cai says:

    Ya know, it just doesnt seem the same…


    Lets just post comments in the “mega comment” thread….go on….you KNOW you wanna!

    I mean *giggles* 1000 posts?


  21. Ozi says:

    oh and moltzi, you did say you were raised by “wild chimps in Borneo” and not the run-of-the-mill, back-of-the-garden-path, everyday-day-boringly-zooish variety.

    and just so I fit in, I think this is post 23. yay. *waves little flag half-heartedly, whilst busily hyphen-ating as many words-sentences-or-phrases as possible*

    … and jasmine, we had agreed to keep it quiet, k? some people just DON’T understand confidentiality clauses…


  22. John Moltz says:

    Yes, but I just meant they were wild, like partiers.

    OK, see, I’m in Borneo with my parents at the zoo and I fall in to the chimp habitat. My parents, who swear they didn’t push me, ask the chimps to “just look after” me for a while. The next thing I know I’m 13 and they’re picking me up.

    Damn, those chimps threw some wild parties in that habitat, though.

  23. Cai says:

    *feedback from loudspeaker*








  24. Anti Cia says:

    *feedback from loudspeaker*








    *gun shots*

  25. Cai says:


    is that you?

  26. Anti Cia says:

    womans voice: yes dear!

    *anti cia pulls sip up and leaves*

    *women clean throat*

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    mmm… nothing like the…


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    Did it survive?

    Looks like the spam bot found you, Moltz.

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