Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: First question!

A: What?

Q: Oh, wow! Did I get it? Yeah! I did! First question! Alright!

A: Well… see… you were just the first one I picked…

Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! First question! I got it! Wow, I can’t believe it! First question! So… what do I get?

A: Get? You… get to ask the first question.

Q: No, no. Like what prize do I get?

A: Prize? There’s no prize. What are you talking about?

Q: Oh, c’mon! There must be some reason why everyone competes for first question! So what do I get?

A: You… get… the deep satisfaction that you were first…?

Q: Ohhh… WOW! That is so cool! I… I feel my self esteem growing! I’m become more confident in myself! I feel superior to others! This is everything it’s cracked up to be!

A: Well, that’s great. That’s just great. Now… what’s your question?

Q: Oh. Uh… well… it’s kind of personal, but… is it wrong to fall in love with the stock pictures of women in telephone headsets in the MacMall and MacWarehouse ads?

A: Mmmm. Well, this is a very complicated issue and there are no clear-cut answers but… yes. It’s just really very wrong on many levels.

Q: Mmm. That’s what I was afraid of.

Q: I’ve been having serious problems with my Mac. I have an eMac that just will not start up. I haven’t changed my setup recently so I don’t know what’s wrong. What should I do?

A: Failure to start up completely can sometimes be caused by bad memory. I suggest removing a chip at a time and seeing if it clears up.

Q: Hmm. OK. How do I open it to get the RAM out?

A: First, you’ll need to shut everything down. Then put the eMac’s monitor face down on the table. Now, open the access door on the bottom of the eMac.

Q: Uh… monitor face down… access door… There’s no… I don’t see… I don’t see any of those things.

A: You don’t?

Q: No.

A: Well, what do you see?

Q: Um. Wait a minute. I’ll be right back.

A: Uh…

Q: OK. Uh. Yeah. See, the thing is… OK, the truth of the matter is, I was trying to use the Styrofoam.

A: You were…

Q: Yep. Took em both out of the box and they’re both white and… well… it’s kind of like a frame when you stand it on end… looks like a monitor if you’re not… Well, let’s just not mention this little incident, shall we?

A: Um, sure.

Q: That’s really weird, though.

A: Why’s that?

Q: Well, if I was using the Styrofoam… how did I spend the whole day surfing porn on it the other day?

A: Um…

Q: And where are my roommate and my girlfriend?

A: Uh, boy.

Q: I have a Newton 2100 that I want to connect to OS X to load some packages using NewTen. I have an Entrega USB to serial adapter, yet I can’t seem to get it to work. What do I need to do?

A: [INNER VOICE: Oh no! It’s a Newton question! I swore I wouldn’t answer another Newton question ever again! I’ve been off Newton questions for six months! I even have my six month medallion! Yet… it’s so tantalizing! So green and glowing! Ah, Newton! Ours was a forbidden love! Forbidden by Steve Jobs! Dare I kindle the embers still smoldering within me yet again? Into a flame so bright that it threatens to engulf my entire being? But how can it be wrong when it feels so right?]


Q: Thanks!

A: Uhuhuh. The flesh… is weak…