23 Jul 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: First question!

A: What?

Q: Oh, wow! Did I get it? Yeah! I did! First question! Alright!

A: Well… see… you were just the first one I picked…

Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! First question! I got it! Wow, I can’t believe it! First question! So… what do I get?

A: Get? You… get to ask the first question.

Q: No, no. Like what prize do I get?

A: Prize? There’s no prize. What are you talking about?

Q: Oh, c’mon! There must be some reason why everyone competes for first question! So what do I get?

A: You… get… the deep satisfaction that you were first…?

Q: Ohhh… WOW! That is so cool! I… I feel my self esteem growing! I’m become more confident in myself! I feel superior to others! This is everything it’s cracked up to be!

A: Well, that’s great. That’s just great. Now… what’s your question?

Q: Oh. Uh… well… it’s kind of personal, but… is it wrong to fall in love with the stock pictures of women in telephone headsets in the MacMall and MacWarehouse ads?

A: Mmmm. Well, this is a very complicated issue and there are no clear-cut answers but… yes. It’s just really very wrong on many levels.

Q: Mmm. That’s what I was afraid of.


Q: I’ve been having serious problems with my Mac. I have an eMac that just will not start up. I haven’t changed my setup recently so I don’t know what’s wrong. What should I do?

A: Failure to start up completely can sometimes be caused by bad memory. I suggest removing a chip at a time and seeing if it clears up.

Q: Hmm. OK. How do I open it to get the RAM out?

A: First, you’ll need to shut everything down. Then put the eMac’s monitor face down on the table. Now, open the access door on the bottom of the eMac.

Q: Uh… monitor face down… access door… There’s no… I don’t see… I don’t see any of those things.

A: You don’t?

Q: No.

A: Well, what do you see?

Q: Um. Wait a minute. I’ll be right back.

A: Uh…

Q: OK. Uh. Yeah. See, the thing is… OK, the truth of the matter is, I was trying to use the Styrofoam.

A: You were…

Q: Yep. Took em both out of the box and they’re both white and… well… it’s kind of like a frame when you stand it on end… looks like a monitor if you’re not… Well, let’s just not mention this little incident, shall we?

A: Um, sure.

Q: That’s really weird, though.

A: Why’s that?

Q: Well, if I was using the Styrofoam… how did I spend the whole day surfing porn on it the other day?

A: Um…

Q: And where are my roommate and my girlfriend?

A: Uh, boy.


Q: I have a Newton 2100 that I want to connect to OS X to load some packages using NewTen. I have an Entrega USB to serial adapter, yet I can’t seem to get it to work. What do I need to do?

A: [INNER VOICE: Oh no! It’s a Newton question! I swore I wouldn’t answer another Newton question ever again! I’ve been off Newton questions for six months! I even have my six month medallion! Yet… it’s so tantalizing! So green and glowing! Ah, Newton! Ours was a forbidden love! Forbidden by Steve Jobs! Dare I kindle the embers still smoldering within me yet again? Into a flame so bright that it threatens to engulf my entire being? But how can it be wrong when it feels so right?]

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU CAN’T USE THE ENTREGA ADAPTER WITH OS X! YOU NEED A KEYSPAN ADAPTER! THAT’S HOW YOU CAN CONNECT YOUR NEWTON TO OS X!

Q: Thanks!

A: Uhuhuh. The flesh… is weak…

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Firsty the Clown says:

    Repeating at top,

    It is Firsty the Clown here.

    I love the help desk.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Second!

    …time I made the fatal error of reading the article first. Oh well.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Not that I come here for the articles. No way! I’m really just here for those hilarious comments…like…this one. No, really.

  4. TwoHeadedBoy says:

    Mmm, styrofoam…

  5. peter says:

    5th post!

  6. UhhhDude says:

    Sixth!

    Woulda tried harder to be first if they were actually giving away a new Aston Martin, like they promised.

    Oh wait. That was a Mini Cooper. Either way…

  7. Mr. Mediocre says:

    Seventh Avenue freeze out… Oh yeah!

    Hey, self esteem’s not that bad. …Although I ‘ll never win and I don’t really deserve it anyway.

  8. Huck says:

    Uh… hi. Don’t mind me, I’m waiting for the eleventh post.

    Hoo boy, that number eleven, there’s nothin’ quite like it. Mmmmm, yeah, can’t get enough of it. Mmmmmm.

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

  9. Anonymous says:

    I am sure the elecenth post is going to be great

  10. cat person says:

    Fist port mad form a Newton!

  11. Eleventh Man says:

    Eleventh!!

    Had to take the joy from Huck.

    Don’t know why – I don’t know him really – and I am not normally a vindictive man. But – I just couldn’t resist it for some reason…

    Hmmm…

    Kinda makes you wonder….

  12. Anonymous says:

    You sick, sick bastard. You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

  13. OK – the Friday post and the ensuing comments has affected me on so many levels. On the negative side, I get the impression John is mocking those of us who value the first post. I may be wrong, but I do have that impression.

    Second, there was a Newton question, and I now know I don’t need my Entegra Dapater anymore.

    Finally, it was a mini SKIRT that was promised, not a mini Cooper.

    “HEY! John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith

    Na-na-na-na-na-na-na”

  14. Garnack says:

    Hey John Jacob, does all the shouting around you get annoying after a while? I would think your about ready to snap and kill the next little old lady that yells at you. And are they always shouting because you are a Nazi war criminal who has americanized his german name to try and hide?

    THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHIEMER SMITH!!!

    Back to the subject at hand though, What color mini skirt?

  15. Del says:

    I do have to say John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith looks quite fetching in his skirt.

  16. Huck says:

    Oh, eleventh post my dear, always kept so far apart, one day we shall be together and we shall taste true happiness and satisfaction. You can’t possibly realize what you’re missing, what bliss you’re passing up! Surely that cad, Eleventh Man, could never appreciate who you are, your individuality, your lively enthusiasm, your inexaustible potential…

    We could have had something incredible! *sob*

    But, for now, I must settle for feeble-minded and stench-ridden sixteenth post, whom I could never really love… but I have done this to send a message. A message to remind you that I am a person too, and that you can’t betray a man’s feelings like that and still expect him always return every day, every comments thread, to your disdainful feet… I… *gets distracted*

    Oooooh, Mr. Smith is just so perfectly scrumptious in that skirt. I could just eat him up!

    *flips hand*

  17. way2late says:

    First!

    Oh, wait…

  18. Cyanide says:

    LAST POST! WOO!

  19. Ozi says:

    OR NOT!!!!!! *evil laugh*

    ah, Uni starts tomorrow. 🙁 bummer. :O

  20. In answer to the questions above, I can only say that the shouting does bother me, but not all the time. Only when I go out.

    and the Mini skirt is in 5 colors – just like the original Apple Logo. I hope the next one I win will be in Newton Green.

  21. UhhhDude says:

    Besides, you can blame it on the Entity. He’s the one that started this “First Post! Look at Me! I’m the Superior Lifeform!” crap.

    And I’m sure a mini-skirt is just fine for our female viewers (as well at anyone else who fancies one), but I could sure use the nimble, agile handling of a MiniCooper when I’m trying to elude the authorities through the streets of Paris in my quest fo find my true identity.

    …What?

  22. The Milkmaid says:

    SEX FOR ALL THAT HAVE FIRST POST!!!

  23. Coombs says:

    FuNNNy!

  24. pran says:

    i wish to obtain a newton.

  25. mr. conspiracy says:

    Moltz – stop playing the grifter that you want to be – the sting will never go over like you want it to. Start being the hustler you were born to be. It’s time to stop fantasizing about 50 boiled eggs and cutting the heads off parking meters and start worrying about the color of money.

    Remember – only salad dressing and fast volvos can save you now.