22 Jul 04Newton Users To Receive Intervention.


After Tuesday’s announcement that former Apple CEO John Sculley had been named Honorary President of the Worldwide Newton Association, concerned members of the Apple community have decided to conduct an intervention. Starting next week, Newton users will be targeted for some “tough love” by some familiar faces.

“We wanted to pick people they’d feel comfortable with,” said director of iPod marketing Stan Ng. “Clearly this announcement is a desperate cry for help and these are people we need to tread lightly with.”

According to Ng, former Apple evangelist Guy Kawasaki has already signed on as an intervention coordinator and even Sculley himself has been approached.

“Newton addiction is a very serious psychological disorder,” said Ng, who is organizing this response on his own time out of concern for the Newton addicted.

“It’s like sex addiction. Not that I’d know anything about that.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard.”

Newton users, however, remained unwavering in their faith in the platform.

Alan Beckner has used a variety of Newton devices over the last ten years and, since Apple terminated support in 1998, has learned to develop applications for the platform.

“The Newton is truly a superior platform,” Beckner said, with no hint of irony. “Once we convince Apple to open source the Newton OS, all we’ll need to do is line up some hardware developers.”

His eyes starting to dart back and forth, Beckner admitted “I, uh, don’t really know what’s involved in doing that. But how hard could it be?”

Suddenly making a whooping noise like a bird, Beckner began scratching incessantly at his forearm, which appeared to be raw from previous scratching. He then began humming softly to himself and rocking back and forth, his Newton clutched between his arms.

“The first step for people like Alan is to admit they have a problem,” Ng said. “Then the healing can begin.”

No Responses to “Newton Users To Receive Intervention.”

  1. phil mcCrackin says:

    first??

  2. trey says:

    I lost my father to newton addiction… its about time people were made aware.

  3. Ozi says:

    I have one sitting upstairs, and wasted about 3 years of my life playing that “falling-bricks-game-where-you-have-to-write-the-words-freaking-fast” Oh it was great fun.

  4. greenacres says:

    4th again?! So close…

  5. UhhhDude says:

    Fifth!…

    …generation Newtons would be out by now if SOMEONE hadn’t killed the project! And where’s my clear-encased eMate with G5 processor and Überdrive?

  6. Been There says:

    Sixth!…

    …sense tells me it’s gonna take time.

  7. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Personally, I think Newton addiction can be a terrible thing. For starters, they’re never really crisp, and dissolve instantly in milk. All except for that nasty black gunk in the middle, which sinks to the bottom of the cup and turns into some kind of terminal sludge that the dishwasher never quite removes.

    On the other hand, if you try to eat them without dunking, the dreaded black goo sticks to your teeth, making you look like inbred hillbillies with terrible personal hygiene.

    Anyone with a Newton addiction is really crying out for help. It may be disguised by the noxious gas cloud following them around, but believe me, a successful cure makes all the effort worthwhile.

  8. creationist says:

    Fig Newtons, Yum!

    Take a bite out of that Apple!

  9. Adam Jackson says:

    i still have a newton 2100

  10. Anonymous says:

    10th!

  11. Huck says:

    Eleventh! (i.e. 11th). My favorite number. No one better post before I hit the “post” button. No one. Unless you’re hot.

  12. Norb says:

    I have my 2100 sitting in my desk and for more years then I can remember now have been putting in new batteries – is that part of the addiction? It still works like it did when I used it. Just waiting for a return?

  13. Carlos says:

    Denethor, definitely.

  14. patrick says:

    “. . . inbred hillbillies with terrible personal hygiene. . .”

    An inbred hillbilly with great personal hygiene would be who? Paris Hilton?

  15. I would have posted this sooner but I had to get my PCMCIA wireless card from the house, put it in my Newton 2100 and sign on to get this CARS post and then send this reply.

    And they said it couldn’t be done!

  16. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Hello, my name is Dwartz, and I’m a Newton addict.

    Let me start off by saying that the biggest problem I had as an addict was finding those really big hypodermic needles. Oh, and the scars.

  17. Pan Fried says:

    I just read the title of today’s rumor and had a laugh. thanks!

  18. Huh? says:

    My pants enjoyed this episode.

    I think.

    They’re still missing.

    Um…

    So- what I’m saying is, I THINK my pants would have enjoyed this episode.

  19. Mr. Punctual says:

    Am I wrong, or wasn’t this site typically updated between 1:00 and 1:07 CST?

  20. Mr. Nasty says:

    Newton users like me don’t need an intervention, although maybe a couple of beers would help.

    Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my Newton under my armpit like this and then *SNIFF*.

    Also sometimes I stick it in my}(H#$*&Y%T

    NO CARRIER

  21. Bellidancer says:

    John would probably tell you that the site is updated on a very strict and regular schedule. However, the schedule is set by The Entity so us mere earthlings have no earthly way of figuring out when the hell the update will be posted. I think The Entity uses a complex mathematical formula and a nonlinear time scale.

    So the quick answers is…

    YES…. YOU’RE WRONG… WRONG… WRONG… WRONG… WRONG… WRONG…

  22. Huh? says:

    Just what exactly are you trying to say?

    Hmm?

  23. Bellidancer says:

    What I’m trying to say is….

    I’m going on vacation! My boss can kiss my azz goodbye!!!

    Wooohooo!!!

  24. Lost in Angeles says:

    Dear Helpdesk,

    Why is there no help desk today? I have the fervent belief that you know more than I do, and I don’t have any naughty questions whatsoever.

    I just want to know…

    ..ah well, you wouldn’t help me anyway. Sigh.

  25. pran says:

    i wish to have a newton